Time time time, is there ever enough? Are we spending it the right way and with the right people? How do you know?
We are always in a rush, we go to bed too late and we have to wake up too early; we snooze to get an extra five minutes of sleep before work. We make quick easy meals after work so we have more time to spend with our kids at the end of the day. We rush around like chickens with our heads cut off to juggle laundry, cleaning the house, the car, the yard.
On my list for the next few days--- I have to dust, sweep, mop, tackle a pile of dishes, Windex my mirrors not to mention the loads of laundry my sick husband made for me in the last three days. I have to clean the litter box (daily), pick up the dog poop in the back yard, water the lawn front and back and the veggies we are growing get watered twice a day, clean the bathrooms and somehow entertain Myles my 4-year-old son for the next week before his grandma comes to take him back to Seattle with her for a few weeks.
Soon, very soon Myles will be 5 and we the parent-people are in our lateish 30's. Are we too old to have Baby Two? Will I really live a normal life with this HIV crap or is that a bunch of BS?
If the statistics are true and I should end up with some random type of cancer, does Myles need a sibling to help him cope with all of this in the years to come? Will it make it easier for him to deal with a sick dying mother with a little brother or a sister and not just his daddy? Or will he get angry that he did not get enough mom solo time because of another baby? Oh the random things this disease has caused my head to fill itself with might drive me crazy.
Are siblings positive or negative? Is anyone as close as they really want to be?
They make childhood memories like family vacations, trick-or-treating, holidays, even moving to new places embedded in your mind forever. There are lots of reasons to have more children.
Watching my father die in a hospital not so long ago makes me want Myles to have someone other than his dad to help him get through that.
So in all reality DEATH is dictating my son's future life and the possibility of a sibling. Do all parents think like that, or am I currently emotionally tweaked due to my HIV and my dead father?
I don't want Myles to be alone; I think he will be an amazing big brother. I'm not sure my husband or I have the patience for another newborn, nor do we have any family in Texas to help us out with a new baby. The amount of money it takes to have a baby is not a small thing; formula alone is a bank breaker since moms with HIV cannot nurse.
We can live comfortably in Texas on one income; I can walk Myles to school in August if the temp drops below the 90's. A three-bedroom house here costs less than a two-bedroom apartment in Seattle or San Diego so there is a plus, also child care here is a lot more affordable.
To be continued ... :)
This blog entry was originally written in mid-June. Brooke's son, Myles, turned 5 on July 15!