Pride and shame will kill you and your spirit. This I know to be true. And it does not matter the circumstance. These two emotions have the ability to create chaos in your life, from your health, to your job and dating. These two will lead you down a path that adds absolutely no value to your life. It's like this: For years, I kept my HIV status a secret because I didn't want to be judged. I was more afraid of what people thought of me, over and above trying to live my best life with HIV.
Shame dictated all of my behavior. For example, I didn't read about HIV because I didn't want anyone to catch me reading literature about HIV and draw the conclusion that I was HIV positive. This behavior left me in a state of ignorance about the disease. By the time I transitioned to AIDS, I had no freaking idea what was happening to me. Honestly, I didn't even understand what a T-cell count was. By then, I had been going to the doctor for almost five years and had never bothered to ask or read on my own. I was living in an abysmal state. Even after it became clear that I needed to understand more about HIV, I would hide the AIDS treatment magazines deep in my handbag. Once home, I would keep them out of eyesight. I put more energy into shit that had no positive outcome on my life, but only added stress and misery. I was focused on the wrong thing.
My health was failing and I didn't have the courage to save myself. I allowed shame and pride to hold me captive. For sure, I was a complete and total mess. I was afraid to seek all the help I needed for the best outcome because of my captivity to the least important, less relevant things of all.
Over the years, I've allowed shame and pride to dictate my path, which also dictated the outcome. This has been true for my health, my lifestyle and also my relationships. How long have you continued to hang out with your group long past its value to your life? How often do you ask yourself: Why the fuck do I keep hanging with this group, or person, when I feel more pain than joy every time we are together? But nonetheless, you stay locked into the madness because you don't want to be called the "trouble maker." So you make face value peace with your presence, but the inside of you feels like it's under attack over and over again.
Yep. How many women have gone to the altar despite the fact that their soul told them over and over again that this was the wrong path? It does not feel good, but you get more and more locked in, out of pride and shame and before you know it you are in a marriage that is chipping away at your very core. Once, I stayed in a relationship hoping that he would marry me and when it became clear that he was never going to marry me, I continued to stay because my pride didn't want to admit to the outside world that I had wasted my pretty year in and year out.
I can give many more examples of how we allow pride and shame rule over and above making the best decision for our life at that moment in time. I'm so glad that I've turned that chapter in my life. I'm at such a good place. I'll continue to say it over and over again, I like who I have become. I mean really like me, who I am, what I do or don't do and even how I do it. I've been liberated from people's opinions of me, but I've also been liberated from the negative committee in my head. I have euthanized that bitch.
Today, I live from the place of my soul, not my head. Let me tell you, the head will create more problems for you than your soul ever will. The head will have you married to a man with two children and a dog and brotha man ain't thought past your vagina. The head will make you buy a car your paycheck cannot afford. It will make you stay in a relationship that sucks the very life out of you. Yep, the head will make you think you are in a relationship with a man who has clearly told you that he is not in a relationship with you, for real, for real. The head will mess you up so bad, that you miss the blessings that God has for you. Yep, God always gives us what we need; it's the head that tells us that it's not enough, or you want it in a different package.
I want to utilize everything God gives me for my journey. I will never look a gift horse in the mouth. God has arranged the universe in such a way that everything works in your favor; even the fucked up, in the end, will be a footstool to a better you. Remember, the Bible says that the rejected stone became the cornerstone. That's real. I've lived that in my own life.
Today, I'm not letting anything interfere with me living my best life. I take what I have to work with and use it for my good, without the burden of the judge and jury that lives in my head or on Facebook. For example, everyone knows my finances have been nothing other than scarce these last five years.
I've stopped bitching about it because I honestly haven't missed a meal, even when the refrigerator has been bare. It's like this, about a month ago, my case worker suggested that I apply for the food pantry. Yep, it's been that bad. And without any hesitation I said yes. And when I get approved, I'm going to put on my red lipstick and walk right in that place and get me and Chloe food.
I'm not confused that God has arranged everything in my favor to get me to what's next. The Bible says that God will provide your every need. I've concluded that my soul wants me to be here to do the work that I was called to do and I'm listening loud and clear. So, shame, pride and the judgments that come with it has been put to rest. Your soul is pleading with you to live YOUR best life, not the life your head made you believe or the life that others deem appropriate, but the best life that God designed just for you. Listen to your soul, it will point you in the right direction.
Post Script: Thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes!
This piece originally appeared in Rae's blog, Diva Living With AIDS.