Hello! I first and foremost want to thank you all for all the great work you all do. I'am a male and I have been recently been dating a male that I deeply care about and we had a long conversation about our statuses. I really trust this man and has told me he tested negative in Sept 2013 and again February 2014. But he did tell me that in May 2014 he had penetrative sex with an HIV+ male with a condom and that really scared me. So many scenarios came to mind as you can imagine. I have not had any penetrative sex with him at all and will not only after he gets tested after the three month mark. But I have performed on him fellatio and he does pre-cum a lot. Also he has practiced frottage on me, again him dispensing lots of pre-cum on the outside of my anus and then liking to insert a finger to give me pleasure after having all that precum there. If he was HIV+, would I be at risk when giving him fellatio with all the precum and being fingered with residual precum around my anus? I have been careful in the past but now I just feel dumbfounded by what he told me. I definitely want to be with him and would like your opinion on this. Thanks so much!
First, HIV transmission can only occur when there is a direct and prolonged exposure to body fluids, semen, vaginal fluid, blood or mother to child through breast feeding. This most commonly occurs through unprotected vaginal or anal sex and sharing of needles. Casual contact, sharing utensils, drinking after someone, etc are not way for HIV transmission to occur. If you go to this link HIV101 it will take you to our page that talks about the ways in which HIV is and is not transmitted.
Next, there has never been a known case of HIV transmission by fingering or any other sort of hand-genital contact. A cut risks HIV only if large, deep, and actively bleeding.
The risk of HIV transmission with oral sex is extremely low. It is even reasonable to state that for the person receiving oral sex (that is on whom oral sex is being performed) the risk of acquisition of the virus is practically zero. For the person placing his or her mouth on someone else's genitals, the risk may be slightly higher but still very very low. Theoretically, obvious cuts, wounds, sores, or infections in the mouth could raise this risk. But relatively speaking this is still considered to be a low-risk sexual activity as the mouth is not a hospitable place for the HIV virus. Please note that other sexually transmitted infections are readily spread via oral contact and you may need to be checked for these.
Getting tested: guidelines for HIV are to be initially tested at 3 weeks post exposure and then again at 90 days. As long as there are no other exposures happened during this time frame than the results are conclusive.
Next: The good news if he were living with HIV:
A large study of heterosexual and gay couples saw no cases of linked HIV transmission during 44,500 condomless sex acts when the positive partner was on combination antiretroviral therapy (ART) with suppressed viral load, according to a presentation at the 21st Conference on Retroviruses and Opportunistic Infections (CROI 2014) this week in Boston.
Of course we can't give a 100% guarantee but this is the closest we can get. If you think about getting into a car accident, to prevent serious injury you shut the door, put your seat belt on, have air bags, anti lock brakes all are ways to decrease the possibility of injury during an accident. The same with having an undetectable viral load and on medication.
Last, the penetrative partner with a condom carries a very very low risk of transmission.
It's important for everyone to know their status. I encourage you both to get tested to know for sure and know how to keep one another safe.
Be well and stay safe, Shannon