dr. bob! i donated this year to the nyc aids walk and an active gay/queer theater company that is floundering in chicago - so know that my heart is in giving, but my pockets are tight these days...!
my question: i'm a recent convert, feeling/doing great - but haven't had a relationship/sex since being diagnosed in january (i know!)...partly had to get my head a bit 'straight' on my shoulders and partly because i hadn't met anyone i was interested in. but now i have, and it's exciting, and he's hot, and it doesn't stress me out - but of course i think about when and how to disclose quite often...i know that this can be a hot issue, but it seems to remain completely personal to me. long story short, haven't told him yet...
on to the interesting stuff: i'm a big precummer. balancing this fact with my not having disclosed yet - and knowing that i will be wearing a condom when and if we have anal sex - i'm wondering about oral sex. i am currently not under meds, my viral load isn't sky high but it's far from undetectable...
basically i'm wondering if the risk of transmission through oral sex with my precummage is high enough to necessitate disclosure anyway - ya get my drift? i'd like it to come more naturally instead of the moment when his mouth is in my crotch, but then again, the world isn't perfect. thank god, it's much more interesting this way. there wouldn't be this forum if it were!
thanks for your help, and all your past help and the help to come. look forward to hearing back.
The optimal time to disclose HIV status differs in each case because each is unique. However, as a general rule I recommend disclosing early rather than late. Also, disclosing while your new Mr. Right is actively gagging on your trouser snake would not be a good idea. In fact it would be a very bad (and potentially dangerous) idea! You should have this discussion far away from the bedroom. Check out the archives of this forum. We have an entire chapter devoted to disclosing HIV status.
Pre-cummer maximus or not, you should disclose! Just reverse the situation. Wouldn't you want to know? Together, once you've disclosed your status, you can decide how to proceed. He may opt for condoms during oral sex. You should also review the information in the archives pertaining to harm-reduction strategies for magnetic couples. I'll repost a sample of what you can find in the archives.
condom failed (HARM REDUCTION STRATEGIES FOR MAGNETIC COUPLES, 2009) May 27, 2009
I am an hiv neg. female, my boyfriend has been hiv pos. for 20 years.and his viral load has always been undetectable.3 nights ago,after sex, we realized the condom had come off and was still inside me,it took some digging, but he got it out.and it was evident that he had come inside me.. afterwards, i started spotting, and started my period the next day. wich has me concerned.i get tested every 4 to 6 months, and had just been tested a week before..i am not going to get all stressed out about it,i know nothing is ever 100% safe,and it can only make things harder. but, the fact that i was bleeding a little has me worried.. how likely is it i've been infected ?, and how long should i wait to get tested again?.this is the first, and hopefuly the last accident we have had.!!
Response from Dr. Frascino
Condom failure does place you at some degree of risk for HIV. That your positive boyfriend has an undetectable HIV plasma viral load would significantly decrease the risk of HIV transmission. However, your spotting may increase the HIV-transmission risk. In situations where there has been a significant HIV exposure, post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) would be warranted if it can be started soon and no later than 72 hours after the exposure. Your exposure was three nights ago; consequently, this is no longer an option for you. But I would encourage you and your boyfriend to review the information about harm-reduction strategies for magnetic couples in the archives of this forum. We have an entire chapter devoted to magnetic couples. I'll reprint below a sample of what can be found there. At this point we would recommend you have an HIV-antibody test at the three- and six-month marks. The six-month test is recommended by the CDC because you had a significant HIV exposure from a partner confirmed to be HIV positive.
Good luck. I agree getting all stressed out won't help!
Undetectable Viral Load in Semen MAGNETIC COUPLE SEXUAL RISK 2009) May 26, 2009
A "big G'day" from Australia to you, Doctor Bob!
I am an HIV positive male involved in a relationship with an HIV negative female.
I have been on Atripla (or the Aussie equivalent) for a year now, and for 10 of those months been undetectable.
My girlfriend and I always practice safe sex - I wouldn't put her at risk for anything!
However, during sex last night, the condom broke. We were unaware that it broke and probably had vaginal intercourse for about 15 minutes before realising it had snapped.
I did not ejaculate inside her, but (obviously), can't tell you how much pre-cum would have "leaked" during this 10 minute period.
What are the chances she would have contracted HIV from me?
We are both frantically worried about it and it is putting a strain on our (otherwise wonderful) relationship.
I have read that a recent Swiss study found that a consistent undetectable viral load in the blood correlated with the semen, but I have read other reports that say this might now be the case.
I am hoping that being undetectable and not cumming inside her stacks the odds well and truly in her favour. What would be the chances of her contracting something from this one-off incident?
Thanks if you can shed any light on the matter, and good luck to you and your partner in your own magnetic relationship - opposites attract!!
All the best, Oz Boy. xx
Response from Dr. Frascino
Hello Boy from Oz,
Here's what we know:
The HIV plasma viral load usually, but not always, correlates with the HIV viral load in semen (or cervical secretions).
Having an undetectable HIV plasma viral load significantly decreases the chances of HIV transmission.
Not ejaculating in the love canal significantly decreases the chance of HIV transmission.
PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis) taken as soon as possible and no later than 72 hours after an exposure can decrease the chance of HIV transmission. (You can read much more about PEP in the archives.)
To specifically answer your question, the odds are very much in your girlfriend's favor. However, HIV testing is still warranted. I would also recommend you and your gal-pal review the harm-reduction strategies available for magnetic couples (PEP, PrEP, proper condom use, etc.). I'll reprint below some information from the archives. Please note we have an entire chapter devoted to magnetic couples.
Good luck from one magnetic couple to another! Magnetic couples rock!
Hiv infection? Magnet couple stress and fear (MAGNETIC COUPLE SEXUAL RISK 2008) Oct 8, 2008
I am negative at the moment and my boyfreind is HIV positive. he is an HIV educator actually.
After I accepted his status, we finally became intimate with each other. I did oral sex on him 3 times that night. Twice on his penis and once with his ass. He precums almost instantly (I don't know if its just with me lol), but I feel like despite the wealth of knowledge about the risk of unprotected oral sex I feel like I may have exposed myself. I didnt not swallow much if any precum. I had a little after taste and I mouthwashed mid session. I only have minor gum bleed after toothbrushing. I am a little concerned about anal oral intercourse too even thought I saw no possible way i could get infected. He penetrated me with a condom and i am not concerned about infection there.
I just want to feel a little assured about my chances for infection here. I love him so much and I find it hard to be intimate with him without thinking about his status. It's a reason why I can't put myself in a condition to penetrate him. And I feel horrible even thinking about talking to him about it because he is an HIV educator and probably know more than most about safe sex practices. Gawd, Just thinking about it and letting my mind run amok about possible infection makes me want to cry becasue I dont want to hurt nor loose him, but I want to trust him with us and our intimacy. And I want to be able to give him my all when we make love without holding myself back.
Given what I said, what were my exposure risks. And what advise do you have for me and the relationship with the one i can see myself with forever?
Response from Dr. Frascino
Your HIV-acquisition risk is extremely low. There have been no documented cases of HIV transmission due to rimming or getting rimmed. Oral sex carries only a very slight risk for HIV acquisition/transmission. You can read much more about this in the archives of this forum. We have entire chapters devoted to oral sex and sexual-HIV transmission risk.
Regarding your concerns about sexual activity within a magnetic relationship, as you might imagine, you are not alone. It's something all magnetic couples must come to terms with. Communication is key and that is what is lacking in your current relationship! That your Mr. Right is an HIV educator should make communication easier, not more difficult! Chances are he's as worried about infecting you as you are about acquiring the virus. The two of you are overdue for a heart-to-heart (note that's heart-to-heart, not hard-to-hard) talk! You need to openly discuss your concerns and together the two of you need to develop sexual rituals based on what is known scientifically about the HIV-transmission risk and on your individual levels of comfort. I suggest both you and your Mr. Wonderful read through the chapter in the archives devoted to magnetic couples. You'll soon see your concerns are shared by many of us in serodiscordant relationships. In addition to taking equal responsibility to make sure HIV is not transmitted, there are a number of other measures the two of you might want to consider to further reduce transmission risk:
Have your poz-partner take antiretrovirals to drive his HIV plasma viral load down to undetectable levels. This will significantly decrease transmission risk.
Get a starter dose of PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis) to have on hand just in case there is an accidental exposure (condom break).
Consider PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis). This involves the negative partner taking antiretroviral medication prophylactically on a routine basis. We still don't know if this approach is effective. Clinical trials are underway. Some magnetic couples aren't waiting for the results of the trials, but rather are instituting PrEP as a harm-reduction strategy now.
You can read much more about PEP, PrEP and other risk-reduction strategies in the archives.
Finally, I want to assure you from personal experience that opposites attract and that happily-ever-after can indeed become a reality for magnetic couples. Steve (Dr. Steve, the expert in The Body's Tratamientos forum) is HIV negative. I'm "virally enhanced." We've been happily-ever-aftering for 15 years and yes, that includes toe-curling, wake-the-neighbor, own-name-forgetting fusion sex. My advice to you is to make sure Mr. Right doesn't get away for all the wrong reasons.
Good luck to you both!