One night of pleasure led to years of pain to follow. One night of hot sex in that Motel 6 in Maryland. That one time that I took those shots, and let my clothes fly all over. That one night I put on a show! Two other people sat in the double-bed room of that motel, watching my boyfriend and I give them their life.

The liquor kicked in and I was ready to go. Fuck a condom, this was my dude. One night, ONE NIGHT, just that one night! I told him his dick was too big and it wasn't going to go in there. He pushed me over and told me he got this. He went down, and started doing all kinds of things with his tongue. Then he put it in. HOLY CRAP! That shit hurt! This one night, I was going to be a freak tho. Despite the pain and my urge to run from it, I laid there and took it! No lube, just spit. No condom, just skin. That one night, I was the shit! I don't think I've ever had my face that deep into a pillow. My whole insides were numb at this point. Ok, it's just one night. It'll be over soon! He flipped me over, pulled his dick out, and nutted all over me. MY TURN!

One night! That one night of pleasure led to years of pain to follow. Soon I got sick. Thought I was going to die. One night, after the next night, after the next night. Lying in bed, fever at 104.1, sweating profusely, can't eat, can't move, dehydrated. Is this what dying feels like? Ambulance rides, and doctor visits with no explanations as to why! Then, suddenly, one night it got better. Back to normal.

One night I heard a rumor, a rumor of a virus. HIV. Then in a quick oral swab and a few words my life changed. All because of one night. One night of raunchy, drunken, unprotected sex! WTF is HIV? Isn't this what homeless people get, or crack-heads, or hoes get? How did I get this shit?

One night of getting my back broke out led to many days of tears. One night of letting him hit it raw led to years of doctor visits, well at least the times I actually decided to show up to my appointments. I would sit in front of the camera for YouTube and make all these inspiring videos. What they didn't know was when the camera went off the pills stayed in the bottle. Or I'd stare at them. I remember staring at them one night for three hours, replaying the events that got me to this point. Man was that one hell of a night. One night in that Motel 6 pulling out my tricks led to 16 tubes of blood getting drawn from my arm, and Atripla. Fucking Atripla. Everyone loves Atripla right? Sure I love being dizzy and almost killing myself while driving!

That one night! One night became days of rejection because of my status, issues with disclosure, do I tell them, do I just put on a condom, do I pull out?? Ugh! Days of educating people about something I face every night, days of me pretending like suddenly I'm this condom guru. I'm under the spotlight now. I have to use condoms every time now right? Ok, that's what I'll let them think I'm doing at night. Reality is that I'd find another person who had a night like I did. We'd share a night and they'd be gone before day. Then there was that one night I caught Gonorrhea. I remember facilitating a group once. We were discussing HIV, STDs and other sexual health related topics. Man my ass was burning and itching and I was so uncomfortable. That would've been from that night I caught Chlamydia. I already have HIV, what is this other stuff going to do?

January 31, 2013, AIDS. DAMN!