I've been an idiot, and need some guidance.


My first boyfriend cheated on me with a woman a lot older than me and him when I was 17. We had never had sex. When I was 18, my dad died, and I was a complete mess. My ex contacted me a few weeks later. Foolishly I got back with him, and we began dating again. We used protection, and had no oral sex. But then my mom chucked me out over the grief of my dad, so my boyfriend let me stay with him. Then he quickly got abusive, and started beating me up, urinating on me, keeping me in the house and raped me a few times unprotected. He then had this older woman back round when I would be there. And they did this disgusting sex act where they cut each other and sucked each others blood, as well as more deranged things than that (or maybe I'm close minded). I was so scared to leave, but absolutely horrified about this, so, I went home and begged for my mom's forgiveness. She welcomed me back, I went to University 3 weeks later and my life went upwards. I then met a lovely man in his 30's, whist in my first year, who after 6 months, I decided we probably didn't need protection. But then I got told that my ex had HIV. I have depression and anxiety, and found I was getting a lot of symptoms. He fully supported this terrible shock, and came with me to get my tests, and said, If he caught it, he'd be gutted, but it's not my fault and we'd get through it. The tests came back negative.
After 12 months together, me and my new boyfriend broke up because of my depression. It didn't help my depression, I just drank for weeks on end, and refused to eat, and slept all day. After a few months, I started sleeping with other men, but with protection. I lost a lot of money within the space of March and May, and in order to get places to sleep, some of my so called friends at Uni would make me do sexual things for them to pay my way. And I did because I didn't really know what else to do, and I needed some help. But it was only ever unprotected oral sex, never unprotected vaginal. My money problems got better eventually and I went through 6 months celibate. I also tested negative for all STIs. Most recently (5 weeks ago) I started a relationship with another man in his late 30s. He was really sweet and charming, and an acclaimed scholar, but I just found out he used to be into swinging, and he's a coke addict. As a friend I went with him to get support, but I am no longer sleeping with him. We also had unprotected sex when we were both really drunk. He didn't ejaculate inside me, and he didn't ejaculate in my mouth, although I did give him oral. I'm a bit worried as to how at risk I may be. I keep getting thrush, and I have infections, although I know this could be smoking related. I'm also really tired, have rib pain, some of my toes are discoloured and I can't put any weight on. And I keep getting canker sores. I'm getting tested tomorrow for HIV and other STIs, but my anxiety is making me wonder whether I'm worrying for a reason, or for nothing. I'm worried whether the negative tests weren't true to begin with before, and I'm wondering whether swallowing sperm has put me in this mess. I can't excuse my bad behaviour though, or my bad judgement. And if I do have anything at all, it was completely my own fault. I'm human though; I don't really want to be punished for my bad ways, and would like a second chance. I'm only 20, and this could ruin my dreams of coming to USA for a career if I find out that I have HIV, because I know Americans don't let immigrants with the virus in.

Thank you for your time. :) And have a good day.


Hi Wow you have had a lot going on and I'm sorry you have had to go through all of this and am happy to see you are slowly getting on the other side of it. First, yes you need to get tested because you had unprotected sex. The prior negative result could be true as HIV transmission doesn't always happen. Just like getting pregnant. You can come to the USA, the travel ban has been lifted if you are living with HIV. But don't put the cart before the horse. Get yourself tested not just for HIV but all of the sexually transmitted infections out there. Knowing your status on all of the STI's is crucial not only to your long term health but also for your potential partners.

Be well and stay safe, Shannon