hiv test positive afraid and alone feeling hopeless


44 y/o male. Last week was notified by the clinic that im hiv positive. My viral load is 89,000 and my cd4 is 184. Im very afraid. I dont have health insurance and was told i needed a genotype lab to determine possible meds. Started taking 800-160mg bactrim. How hopeless is my situation if i cannot afford meds and how is the outlook if i can take meds? Please answer. Im having trouble functioning and feeling very afraid and hopeless. Should i begin making end of life arrangements? Can i hope to live? What can i tell my children? How can i keep my thoughts healthy? Im afraid im going to feel so hopeless and just end my life before i subject my family to seeing me fade away from this disease. Wish there was someone to talk to. Im freaking out and need some words to give ne hope.


Hello and thanks for posting.

Your feelings of hopelessness are understandable in the days after your HIV diagnosis, but please understand that so long as you're able to get into, and stay in good medical care, I'd expect you to live well and a normal life time.

Disclosure about HIV status can be difficult, and not everyone needs to know your status. You can choose the time and place and whom to tell- when you're ready, and perhaps when you know more about your situation and your care options.

While it's very important that you start on medications in the near future, If you can't afford medications at this time, the first thing to do is to connect with a case manager or advocate who can help provide support and navigation in a sometimes bewildering system. But, it is a system that can provide medications (here in the US) for essentially all people who need them. There are also clinical studies that can, if you're eligible, provide medications at no cost.

I'd suggest using our AIDS Service Organization Finder ( to identify a community organization with experience in helping you in your journey. Peer navigators and advocates can be of real help at this time.

I'd also suggest you consider reading some of our blogs here at or from our friends at The Positive Project. These are real words from real people who have gone through many of the same thoughts and experiences that you're going through right now.

I hope that helps. Be well and please write back anytime. BY