I hate that I have to sit here and write to you about contracting HIV. I cannot stand the fact that I ever did this to myself. An adult man crying like a baby. I cry every moment of the day. Its so depressing. I cry driving to work, i cry on my break, i cry in my office, i cry driving home, and i cry in the shower. I have no where to turn. Doc, Ive had all the symtoms. Theres no need for a 3 month test. Im a dead man. A night of drunken sex. With a less than 1min!! ONE!! Vaginal, took it out then put the condom on. This was my last barrage of fun before my next phase of life. Marriage and kids with a woman I deeply love. I will never get married. I will never have a boy which i named Maximino. I will never be a grumpy old man like i wanted to be. My future is over. My parents will see me die. This too much for any one person to handle. Im going insane Doc. The stats all over the internet do no justice. 1 in 10,000!!! Get real. 1 million infected??? No way. Whoever made these numbers up sure didnt know what they were talking about. I had sex with the girl next door type of thing. This wasnt a hooker or a sex worker. This was a 19yr old with a couple of sex partners. Its bullshit Doc. I wanted a family Doc. I wanted to live life to the fullest. Isnt sex apart of that? Doesnt life include sex? I struggled my whole life just when things start to turn for the good(financially, socially, relationship). I get hit with this. I have it Doc. Dont try to tell me I dont. Ive had all the symtoms, the acute infection right down to the numbing stabbing pain in my hands. Nero path whatever. I dont get hungry!! I miss it being hungry. The simpilist things about human nature. Its not anxiety Doc...this is very very real. damn........
sorry i needed a moment to shed some tears.
Im seriously thinking of suicide every moment of the day. I have a method and location planned out. The only thing stopping me is my parents grieving. I can see it so clearly it hurts badly. Doc, 1 in 10,000? Come on. I never win anything in my life but I win a disease? What kind of bullshit is this?
This is it doc. The mountains are so beautiful and peaceful. I use to hike up there as a kid. I once loved life with a passion. Im a handsome young looking man. Athletic, played basketball every chance I had. Spent countless time with family, singing, playing music together. The hardest parts were financial issues and alcoholic problems. Im only 32 with my birthday a few days away. what a way to celebrate huh?
This is a disaster. Im a disaster. I will never be a grandfather. So much for the good karma. Doc, youre the only one i can talk to no one else to hear me. Im finished. Thanks for hearing me. Good riddance doc.
diagnoised and by himself
You hate me? Hmmm . . . now let's see. I'm HIV positive and have been struggling with the challenges of being "virally enhanced" for over 16 years. I've dedicated the majority of my personal and professional life to providing crucial services to men, women and children living with HIV/AIDS and raising awareness of the pandemic via advocacy and education. I founded two medical clinics devoted to the comprehensive and compassionate care of HIV-positive folks. Plus, I've founded a not-for-profit charitable foundation that has raised well over a million dollars for AIDS service organizations worldwide. And you choose to hate me because you had less than one minute of unprotected drunken vaginal sex and then decided to freak out and go on a crying binge???
I have three suggestions for you:
If you are really as screwed up and whacked out as your post suggests, see a psychiatrist.
Get an HIV test at the three-month mark. Your HIV risk is very low, whether you choose to believe it or not.
Stop hating. Stop crying. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Write back only if and when you've gained some perspective and self-control. As for "'diagnoised' and by himself," I don't agree with your "diagnoisis," but I certainly understand why no one else wants to hear your blah- blah- blah- poor-me nonsense.