sorry if i had bad English. I'm a gay 22 yo.from Indonesia the Country where Bali Province Located in. 2 weeks ago, i woke up in the morning (7 am) and i realized that i had a little wound in my ring finger (left hand) but i cant remember the causes of it existence. the wound looked white transparent (may be it was the healing tissue), and there was a speck of blood and when i wiped it, it still a bit pain. at the same day, i had a date with a guy from the yellow app at 3 pm. we did mutual oral sex, mutual sucking nipple, and mutual handjob. when i handjob his penis with my left hand and he ejaculated, his semen covered my left hand and my little wound too.
idk his hiv status but one thing that i know from the guys from app is they sexually active. now i really regret and can't stop to thinking about it and blaming my self. i feel like "i better died in car crash now, than i live with HIV"
am i at risk of getting HIV due to my sexual activity that i've told? mutual oral sex? mutual sucking nipple? fresh semen on little wound?
Even though English may not be your first language, your pain and fear are coming through very clear. I understand you are living in an area where there might be considerable stigma against sexual pleasure, and where HIV is sometimes seen as a punishment for being a sinner. But I can assure you that medically speaking HIV is completely neutral. It doesn't actively seek out to punish sexually active people, it is simply a virus looking for a way to survive. People living with HIV now have a life expectancy roughly the same as people not living with HIV if they get treatment. It is definitely not worth crashing your car or harming yourself if you someday did become HIV positive.
All that being said, I don't see anyway you could have acquired HIV from the circumstances you describe. HIV is really not an easy virus to acquire or transmit. It must be deposited from the mucous membranes of one person directly into the mucous membranes of another, hence why sexual intercourse and IV drug use are the most common routes. It cannot be transmitted through casual / surface contact such as kissing, hugging, crying, sharing utensils, rubbing genitals, sucking nipples, oral sex without ejaculation, mutual masturbation with or without ejaculation, or any non-penetrative forms of connection.
I don't know what kind of wound you are describing, but I can tell you that you cannot acquire HIV just by having a little wound on your finger. You would have to have a huge gaping open bloody sore in order to possibly consider HIV at a risk factor. And even then it would be nearly impossible to get HIV this way since live HIV dies upon contact with the air. The only conceivable scenario here would be if he had detectable HIV and he directly ejaculated his semen into a large open wound on your finger. This scenario is pretty unlikely and to my knowledge has never been reported as a way HIV has been spread.
I'm sorry that the potential pleasure you enjoyed from this encounter resulted in so much pain, fear, and thoughts of self-harm. I wonder if there are any mental health professionals in Bali that you could speak to about these feelings? Someone who can support you and help you cope with catastrophic thoughts? Sometimes it can really help to have a trusted outsider go through these fears one-by-one and support you in understanding that sex can be a healthy way to connect with others.
I hope these answers help you to experience the kind of sexual connections you want and deserve. To learn more about how HIV is and is not transmitted, please visit our resource page here at The Body: http://www.thebody.com/content/30024/hiv-transmission.html.