Ex Boyfriend Called and He has tested positive, your advice please?



I was wondering if you could assist me in few questions. I have been dating someone for close to six months and we recently ended our relationship - he is moving out of state. He recently informed me that he tested HIV positive. I am a little freaked out, but think I a may be ok here are the details:

I was the top guy in our relationship, I always wore a condom and we never had a condom break as I always, always checked. I did perform oral on him many times as he is not a pre-cummer at all and he performed oral on me. I also did rim him several times (he has tested neg for hep, syphilis, and all the others). What is my overall risk? I am concered because I have checked out other websites before I found yours. They all say oral is high risk, anal is possible with condoms as condoms are always breaking and have tiny holes in them and rimming is very high risk as most people have microscopic holes in their anus and blood in their anus. I called the CDC and they told me that if someone was recently infected and oral sex was performed the risk of transmission is very high since the viral load is through the roof - is that true? So, as you can see, I am confused and scared. I always pride myself in always wearing condoms for anal and never allowing a guy to ejaculate in my mouth during oral. I don't do oral when I have cut in my mouth, and I treat my partners as if they are positives until I have written proof. My ex believes he contracted HIV about 9 months ago when he was having anal with someone and the condom broke.

Thanks for your help. My former BF, now my friend is hanging in there, and I am not talking to him per say, I am listening whe he talks. He is going through a lot, and I being there for him as a friend.

I am just nervous right now about myself.

Thanks for everything, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Nervous, scared in the Big Apple.


Hello Nervous Big Apple Guy,

Sorry to hear your relationship is ending and that your ex is positive.

First the facts:

  1. Oral sex carries a low risk at best for HIV transmission.

  2. Condoms are not "always breaking." In fact they rarely do and if used properly with lots of water-based lubricant, they very, very, very rarely do.

  3. Condoms do not have tiny holes. HIV cannot permeate through intact latex. No way. No how. End of story.

  4. Rimming is not considered a significant risk for HIV transmission. There has never been a documented case of HIV transmission from rimming or getting rimmed. Although picking up other STDs, such as hepatitis or intestinal parasites, is possible.

Taking the above facts into consideration, your HIV risk primarily unprotected oral sex without ejaculation with a partner confirmed to be HIV positive would be very low. My recommendations include:

  1. HIV testing at the three-month mark is warranted, but please note the odds are very much in your favor that you did not contract HIV from sex with your ex.

  2. Get your HIV information from reliable Web sites, such as TheBody.com and not from the Vatican or RightWingReligiousZealots.com or PuritanicalSexphobicFearmongers.org.

  3. Tell your ex about this site. There is a wealth of information here that can help him during this difficult period of adjustment. Kudos to you for sticking by your ex in his time of need.

Good luck to you both.

Dr. Bob