how can i speed up my death??

Question

i have read all your answers, and i must time you make me feel better, but most of the time i just feel suicidal. i dont want to sound selfish knowing that you are hiv+, and i really admire your positve character and you must give courage to many people around you. on the other hand u live in a first world country, where the virus is not as stigmatized, you have people around you that support you, and you have access to modern medication free of charge if u can not afford it. whereas i, live in a third worl highly religious country where an hiv+ test result would mean end of any social and public life, even close familly will avoid you (close; ie mother brother and sister), hiv+ would bring "shame" to my familly and myself as if i have done something so wrong, on top of it all treatment will cost around 1000$/month something i can't afford so death is emminent, so i ask you how can i speed my death.... I know you don't usually answer questions that has already been asked, but i beg of you to make this one exception, its just the humane thing to do... my case is that exactly 88 days ago i had a sexual encounter with a sex worker of ukranian origine, these kind of workers can not enter the country and work without prior hiv testing (i am in lebanon)and hence since she was here she must have tested negative but fuck she could have been in her window periode. so after a nice lunch and wine we went up to my room where (stupid me) she asked me that if i always use plastic( condom in russian) i said of course i do.. so what she did is she sliped down and i completly penetrated her for about 15-20 sec then realizing what happened i asked her to get off and we continued with a condom. (i'm circumsized if this helps) so 6 weeks exactl after this incident i walk up with a very painfull sore throat with white patches very visible and swallen tonsils and with fever 39 one day and 38-37.5 for the rest of my illness which went down while i took panadol 2 tablets every 4 hours. this sore throat lasted for 2 weeks (even with the augmentin1000) with difficulty swallowing with drooling, and i used to sweat when i took the panadol tablets. i saw a GP he said it must be strep and gave me augmentin 1000 twice daily, which gave me a white tongue(or was it hiv) after the treatment was over and it still persist, and i also got a kind small rash on my left elbow (i was at the beach the day before could be from the sun). 3 month later (these couple of days) i feel like itching sometimes (its not too bad) a little bit on my chest tghies or my elbow rash (yes its still here). plus i have some muscle pain. ok i know my risk and they are pretty high even it's 5 in 10,000. The problem is that i want to get tested i dont know where, i want it to be anonymous(i live in lebanon), i am afraid that if i get a positive result that i will be a parea. I can not afford medication and the only way to get it( half the time the medication does not exist since the ministry of public health forgets to buy them due to economic problems) i have to proclaim my positivness (i would prefer killing myself). I beg you to answer me even if you receive millions of messages like mine everyday (just copy paste if its easier for you) but i need you to answer. can you tell me how to get tested anonymously in lebanon, or if the FDA approved home test kits works outside the US. thanks a million dr. bob, and good luck with your own battle.

Answer

Hello,

How can you speed your death . . . ? Hmmm . . . sorry, Charlie, you've come to the wrong Web site, if that's the information you are requesting. I prefer to focus my attention on those with a desire to live.

Yes, I do understand your concerns about the inequities of HIV/AIDS care and medications. However, as far as governmental and/or societal HIV stigmatization, that is a problem we must all work to address. And that means you, too! The basic problem is obviously one of education and resources. Why not start with educating your friends and family and then enlist their help to educate the community, civic leaders and eventually the governmental policymakers. That's what we did here. I yelled and screamed my head off at HIV/AIDS demonstrations in the early 80s, long before we knew much about the illness. Likeminded folks banded together and demanded research, health care and laws to end discrimination. Change always begins with one person. There's no reason that one person shouldn't be you!

Regarding anonymous testing sites in Lebanon, unfortunately I have no specific information on that topic. I'd suggest you contract your local AIDS service organizations and ask them. As for FDA-approved home HIV test kits, I would recommend "Home Access Express Test." These kits can be purchased at online pharmacies for a cost of approximately 50 US dollars. You provide a blood specimen using a lancet and a filter strip, which is then mailed in a protected envelope using an anonymous code. Results are available about a week later by phone (using the anonymous code).

Your HIV risk remains very low. Your symptoms are not concerning for HIV/AIDS. The odds you are HIV negative remain astronomically in your favor. Whether you're positive or negative, I hope you'll do your part to change the attitude of your "third world highly religious country." Religion should never discriminate against a virus! And we now have good data to show that quality HIV/AIDS care and treatment can be effective and affordable even in Third World nations.

Dr. Bob