As much as sex-positive folks love to say, “Consent is sexy,” and, “If it isn’t a ‘Hell yes!’ it’s a ‘No,’” (two statements I wholeheartedly endorse), the omnipresent existence of rape culture makes understanding the intricacies of consent a bit difficult.
But there is a place we can all turn to for more knowledge about consent: the BDSM community. These folks are the ones who have it down. You may think that kinky people are all leather-clad daddies, donning custom harnesses in the underbelly of a dungeon somewhere, beating up some poor sod chained to the floor, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Well, yeah—sometimes leather-clad daddies smack around a submissive chained to the floor, but that’s not all kink is: It’s about trust, boundaries, and above all, consent.
“Mutual consent is what makes BDSM safe for people to explore. The consent woven into BDSM ensures safety for those wanting to play,” Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, tells TheBody. As a certified sex educator and kink enthusiast myself, I have a deep appreciation for the kink community and their standards around consent. It’s only been recently that BDSM has popped into the cultural zeitgeist. Before it ever found footing in mainstream representations like Fifty Shades, sex-positive Instagram, and shows like Bonding, this community existed in the shadows, writing its own rules outside of heteronormative, sex-negative standards of sexuality.
While the play may be inherently dangerous, within its framework of enthusiastic consent and skill, BDSM can actually be a lot safer than most run-of-the-mill sexual interactions. While this community is not perfect at consent (no one ever is), the more “vanilla” among us can learn a lot from it.
Lesson 1: Consent is Fundamental
The bottom line is that some BDSM practices are quite dangerous. Think: choking, bondage, spanking, etc. These kinds of play are super fun and exciting, but they need to be practiced with great care.
“Within BDSM, there are many types of kinks to explore which can be physically and emotionally damaging if boundaries are not set before play,” Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of the New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a private-membership Open Love club for the adventurous, tells TheBody. “Whether it's choking, spanking, humiliation, or jumping into some advanced kinks like sensory deprivation or knife play, there are many reasons why you want to discuss and enthusiastically agree to what you’re looking to explore before engaging in BDSM.”
Every single aspect of BDSM play needs to be thoroughly discussed beforehand. While aspects of the play can seem “spontaneous,” nothing is truly left out of a pre-play discussion. You may not know when your Dom is going to smack you with a flogger, but you do know they’re not going to bruise you with it, if you’ve said you don’t want marks.
As long as you’re careful and know what you’re doing, everyone can be safe. If you know what you’re doing, your partner knows what they’re doing, and everyone is 100% on board, you can have the time of your life.
When have any of us had that level (or any level, tbh) of safety and communication in our Tinder hookups? Most people have zero to very little sex education, gleaning whatever misguided lessons they can from free porn sites. We have random guys trying to choke women out or have anal sex on a first date, with zero preparation or knowledge of how to do this safely. Kinky play may seem like it’s “out there,” but BDSM practitioners are the ones who are highly educated in what it means to be a considerate sexual partner.
Lesson 2: A “Yes” Does Not Mean “Yes to All”
Another lesson folks can take from the BDSM community is one that most of us don’t even know we need: Saying “yes” to one sexual thing does not mean you’re saying “yes” to all things.
If you’re wondering what that even means, you’re far from alone. Most of us don’t realize that when we agree to some sexual activity, we’re not giving blanket consent for all sexual activity. Raise your hand if you’ve ever wanted to fool around, gotten caught up in the moment, wanted to stop midway through, and didn’t think you should “cause a scene”—and instead just waited for it to be over? Yeah, pretty much everyone has been there. The fact that this is a normal part of sexual experience for so many of us is disgraceful. It’s a damning indictment of the way we’re socialized to think about our sexual rights—or perceived lack thereof.
We need to teach sexual communication skills to everyone to ensure that no one walks away from a sexual interaction feeling violated. “It’s important to discuss boundaries with a new or current partner (because boundaries change) and make sure you’re both willing and ready to experience new things that have been discussed prior to the act. A partner can say ‘no’ at any time, so stop if you hear that,” D’Angelo says.
In BDSM, discussion of boundaries centers around “subspace,” where a submissive (or bottom) gets lost in the endorphins and rush of the moment. Saynt points out that this can make clear consent somewhat hazy—hence the pre-play negotiations that outline what someone is or is not OK with. “It’s important to know your hard limits and make these clear to your partner before you begin your session,” he says. “You may say ‘yes’ to something you didn’t consent to while in subspace, so it’s important to have clear negotiations on what you want to experience.”
It’s about awareness. When you’re informed about boundaries, are aware of what enthusiastic consent entails, and engage in play with cautious excitement, you run less of a risk of harming another person or yourself.
We could all do well to absorb this lesson. Check in with your partner, advocate for yourself, and talk things through. Consent is not just sexy, it is a fundamental part of positive sexual experience.
Lesson 3: Use Safe Words
One of the first tools I give to clients when helping them facilitate adequate sexual communication with their partners is the use of safe words. A safe word is a staple of kink. These are non-sexual words that are used to signal when you’re getting close to a boundary, something doesn’t feel right, you want to slow down, or you want all play to stop.
Kenneth Play, a sex hacker and the creator of the Sex Hacker Pro Series, tells TheBody that the “traffic light” system can be very useful for first-time safe word users. “Kinksters often use the ‘green, yellow, red’ system to communicate levels of consent. Red means no, green means yes, and yellow means slow down, or ‘I’m getting close to saying no,’” he says. “This system is a super clear way of communicating in the moment with one simple word.”
Often in sex there is a lot of ambiguity in our language. We aren’t given lessons in sexual communication and therefore can find ourselves in a verbal quagmire, unable to fully express our discomfort. Safe words are powerful because they give you a solid way of telling your partner that you want to stop or slow down. You don’t have to struggle to find the right words. The safe word is right there for you to use. When a safe word is used, all sexual activity should stop so you can check in with your partner and see what isn’t working for them (or you).
The kink community is not perfect. Like all factions where humans exist, there are predators, people who don’t follow the rules, or those who misrepresent themselves—but without putting the BDSM community on an infallible moral high ground, we can still learn from them. Sexual agency is a key part of good sex. We can all take that lesson and implement it into our sexual experiences for a better, more pleasurable world.