After Finding My Blog, the Son I Abandoned at Birth Gets in Touch
I want to share with you something amazing in my life right now, which I can absolutely attribute to my blog. Before I became HIV positive in 1989, I had a girlfriend who had a baby boy born in August of that year. I was there in the delivery room to see him born, and I signed his birth certificate. This was the same year I went to California to party and engage in reckless behaviors instead of staying and doing the responsible thing: raising the child I helped bring into this world.
To be completely honest, I don't remember exactly why I decided to go to California. My son's mom and I broke up. Probably, I was the reason why, but the relationship wasn't really based on anything solid. Looking back at this time in my life, I think it was a purely sexual relationship. That was really all I was interested in at that time, which was totally irresponsible at 19 years old. I have always wondered whether she saw herself growing old with me and raising a family? I never considered her feelings when it came to what she wanted at that time, which I now regret.
My father was friends with this girl's parents, which is how we met. I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on her and looked into her beautiful almond-shaped dark brown eyes. Her long dark brown hair flowed over her shoulders. The smile on her face just lit up the room, which made my heart smile and made me feel that we were the only people in the room. She was amazing and very beautiful! I wanted to be her man. Did she feel the same way?
We eventually hooked up, which turned into a relationship. It was also an adventure. I have no regrets about being with her. My regret is that we were too young, and I wasn't there for our son. I am so sorry that drinking, using drugs, and running around was a bigger priority than you were, my son and his mom.
Recently, I received an email from my son's mom. She told me that my son Googled my name and found my blog right here on TheBody.com. He sent his mom a link, and she read it too! Way back, when I was going through my trial, she knew about my HIV status, and she wasn't at risk of exposure because we were together before the infection. She came and saw me in the county jail and asked me about this. The look of relief on her face when I told her she wasn't at risk of exposure for HIV: It gave her inner peace and no fears about her future.
Over the years before my dad passed away, I would call and ask him to get in touch with my son's mom. The last time he tried, she said that she didn't want any contact with me. This broke my heart, and I moved on with my life. What else was I supposed to do? My son didn't want me in his life either.
When I got this email from her, it made me wonder why, after all these years, she was contacting me now when she knew where I was? I don't have any animosity toward her now. The chance she is giving me to get to know a son that I abandoned as an infant is a blessing that I am grateful for. This is something that I am really nervous about. What do I do? How do I handle this? Any suggestions from someone who went through this before? Please help?
I told my readers previously about getting in contact with my birth mom for the first time after 47 years, which was a lot to deal with. The fact that I already had experience being a son made it easier to deal with. Now, I will be a father, and I have very little experience. This is beyond intimidating to me!
Obviously, if he has seen my blog, he has read what I've written about my having HIV over 27 years now. I am sure that he will have questions for me that I will honestly answer for him. My days of making excuses and being untruthful are over, simply because it takes away any credibility or integrity I have or want to keep. I just hope that he can accept me.
If you have comments, questions, or just want to talk, please email me and I'll answer you back!
Stay healthy and stay safe.