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Feeling Sorry for Myself
Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2010

By Autumn Preusser

Posted: April 2011

Autumn Preusser

Autumn Preusser

"I'm a 31-year-old transsexual woman living in rural Arkansas with my boyfriend of five years. I enjoy dancing and music, and I really like photography. I am disabled and on SSI (Supplemental Security Income). Right now I'm just learning to live with HIV."

This morning started off normally. I kissed the BF goodbye, and talked to him on the phone while he was on the way to work. But when we hung up, I started feeling horrible.

I'm so nervous and anxious. I don't really know what to do with myself now.

The last week or so has been horrible. I'm either extremely anxious and nervous or totally wiped out and exhausted. I don't think any of it has anything to do with being "sick." I think it's just the stress of the whole situation taking its toll on my body.

I don't want to deal with this anymore. It isn't fair. I just want my life to go back to normal.

I don't really know what to do. I'm lost, confused and afraid!!! I feel like I'm just going to wake up and all of this will have just been a horrible nightmare.

I feel so desperately alone in all of this. I'm not saying I don't have support and people who love me, because I do. I just feel like they don't have a clue what I'm going through. Hell, I don't even have a clue what's going on. I just feel like this HIV thing has isolated me and put me just out of reach of everyone else. If that makes any sense. I just don't feel like I belong anymore. I don't feel like I'm a part of anything anymore.

Just feeling lonely,

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