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Merry Christmas Everyone
Saturday, Dec. 25, 2010

By Autumn Preusser

Posted: April 2011

Autumn Preusser

Autumn Preusser

"I'm a 31-year-old transsexual woman living in rural Arkansas with my boyfriend of five years. I enjoy dancing and music, and I really like photography. I am disabled and on SSI (Supplemental Security Income). Right now I'm just learning to live with HIV."

Well, it's Christmas morning!

I'm doing my best this morning to try and have a happy and productive day.

I plan on spending the day with my family. Mom, dad, brother and niece.

I have had a hard time being around all of them lately. I have always been the strong one. The one that is there for everyone else when things get tough. So, lately, even though they all know of my recent change in status from negative to positive, I've been sort of just pretending that everything is OK. I hadn't realized how much this was effecting me until yesterday. It's hard being everyone else's rock when you are falling apart inside.

I haven't really taken the time for myself to just grieve. This has been so very hard for me. My whole life is different now and I don't really know what to do with myself. I don't know how I really fit in to our family dynamic anymore. On one hand, I don't want them to treat me any differently; on the other, I don't want them to just pretend that everything is OK either. Maybe a happy medium would be nice.

With everyone basically sticking their head in the sand over this, I feel so alone. I'm the only one dealing with it and I'm not doing the best job of actually dealing with it. Thank god for therapy, I wish I got to go more often.

My BF had to work today, and after work he is going to stop by his parents' house. Probably won't see him until 8:30 or 9 tonight. Sucks, but the holiday pay will be nice for him. Thank god for him. If it weren't for him, I don't think I could go through this.

Maybe after today, the holidays, I'll be able to take a break and get my head around what is going on in my life.

That's it for now,

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