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Finally: Letting Go of the Shame!By Rae Lewis-Thornton March 8, 2011 This piece originally appeared in Rae's blog, Diva Living With AIDS. I'm gonna admit that I have been holding onto a deep, dark secret that has been weighing me down. I have not blogged about it nor have I talked openly and freely about it. No, I haven't lived in total isolation, my close friends know, and I have mentioned it in a speaking engagement or two if I'm asked, but only if I'm asked, because I find no use in lying. But for the most part I have kept it close to my heart. Yes, people have reached out to me on this topic in private, but what I could have said very publicity to help others, I haven't. I rationalized to myself, "Can't I have some private issues?" Yes I can, but in truth, privacy has not been the reason for my non-disclosure. And let's be honest, it goes against the grain of my life. For me, it's about using my life/pain/joys to help others. But I just couldn't! I got in the way, or better yet, maybe my pride got in the way of my ministry. And I have had this heavy dose of guilt to match my shame. Let me be honest ... *Deep Breath* I am ashamed! Yes, I am ashamed that I have herpes. And like with most things, I can never, ever seem to have anything easy. I have herpes that is resistant to ALL oral medications that treat this infection. Yes, I said I have drug resistant herpes. And yes me, the woman who has faced everything head on, is ashamed of the fact! Close your mouth! Yep! I will say it agin, I have drug resistant herpes. But it didn't start out this way. At first having herpes was a breeze, or at least I came to see it that way. I just wasn't bothered at all, not one bit. But now, my herpes is laced with a heaping dose of the DEVIL. Mainly because AIDS and herpes is a deadly combination that should not be played with. And make no mistake, it has turned my world upside down and around again and again. Remember all those IV medications I have had to take. Yep, herpes! Sometimes I don't know if I'm going or coming. But we will get to that part of this saga a tad later. Like I said, close your mouth! Grab you a cup of tea and some of those damn good Lemonades Girl Scout Cookies, this is gonna be a deep one. Let's start from the beginning. I contracted herpes in college. It was 1982 and it was one of the most talked about diseases on college campuses across this country. There were even cover stories in magazines about herpes. So yes, it was a hot topic when I was infected. WTF? Why the hell wasn't I listening to the discussion? I was a very serious young woman at the center of cutting edge issues and politics on my campus. I was not using drugs or drinking. I was not hanging out with the wild bunch. I was about the business. So what happened? As smart and as on top of things as I was, how did I end up contracting herpes? Don't be silly. Yes, I had heard about herpes, I just said that it was one of the most talked about topics, much like HIV/AIDS is today. But honestly, I didn't think anyone I would have sex with could possibility have herpes, ironically much like people and HIV today. I didn't have sex with those kind of people, so I thought! So at 18, I contracted herpes on the campus of Southern Illinois University, before I had even heard about HIV/AIDS. Yes, I know who infected me! You see it was like this. I knew this guy and I really had a crush on him and I believed that he liked me equally as much. I had met him at the beginning of the semester of my freshman year and we spent hours talking about everything. No, I was not easily fooled. Remember, I left Mama's house my senior year of high school. I went to SIU a year after I graduated. So I knew the game. Hell, I even played it myself. I was not this young foolish girl wearing sucker across my chest. I was smart, serious, and even street smart, so how did my slick self get out slicked? Well, I really liked this guy. Did I say that? And I have already admitted in another blog that I had sex with men I loved and I had sex with men that I wanted to love me. Remember, Facing Yourself -- Part One and Facing Yourself -- Part Two. Close your mouth! And stop judging me and lying to yourself. Almost all of us have done that stupid shit once or twice. Then you find out, the sex wasn't gonna make him love you any more, if at all. Hope you didn't get pregnant to make him love you then you stuck with his sorry ass for at least 18 years, and at least holidays, if he shows up. Ok so it was like this. We spent a lot of time talking and walking and hanging out. #ForReal. He was a perfect gentleman. We spent no time fooling around. Honestly, for months we spent most of our time just holding hands and enjoying each other's company and exploring each other's mind. But the problem was, my slick self talked a big game when it came to sex. Yes, we went there in our conversation, don't everybody? You know ... how good I thought I was in bed ... how I could make his toes curl, and on and on. And don't be playing me like you don't have these conversations with someone you are really digging. So we talked for months, did I say that? I met him that September and we didn't have sex until that April, seven whole months later! I just knew he was right for me! He wasn't trying to force sex like most young guys. We were "taking our time."
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Rae Lewis-Thornton Speaks  Rae Lewis-Thornton Rae Lewis-Thornton is an Emmy Award-winning AIDS activist who rose to national acclaim when she told her story of living with AIDS in a cover story for Essence Magazine. She has lived with HIV for 27 years and AIDS for 19. Rae travels the country speaking and challenging stereotypes and myths about HIV/AIDS. She has a Master of Divinity degree and is currently working on her Ph.D. in Church History. Rae has been featured on Nightline, Dateline NBC, BET and The Oprah Winfrey Show, as well as in countless magazines and newspapers, including Emerge, Glamour, O, the Oprah Winfrey Magazine, Jet, Ebony, the Washington Post and the Chicago Tribune, to name a few. She earned the coveted Emmy Award for a first-person series on living With AIDS for Chicago's CBS News. Rae is an active user of social media -- read "Long-Term HIV Survivor Discovers the Power of Twitter," an article on TheBody.com about Rae's social media activities. Visit Rae's Web site, Diva Living With AIDS Learn about RLT Collection, Rae's line of AIDS awareness/fashion bracelets Speaking engagements: Inquire about booking Rae to speak at your organization or event! Subscribe to Rae's Blog:
Recent Posts:
May 22, 2012 - It's My Birthday: A Blog Entry by Rae Lewis-Thornton
May 17, 2012 - There Is No More Rain in My Cloud! A Blog Entry by Rae Lewis-Thornton May 14, 2012 - Coming Soon! The Politics of Respectability!!! A Blog Entry by Rae Lewis-Thornton May 9, 2012 - Dating the Right Reverend, Part Three: A Blog Entry by Rae Lewis-Thornton May 4, 2012 - Dating the Right Reverend, Part Two: A Blog Entry by Rae Lewis-Thornton A Brief Disclaimer: The opinions expressed by TheBody.com's bloggers are entirely their own, and do not necessarily reflect the views of TheBody.com itself. |
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