A Killer Sex Drive?
By Brooke Davidoff
February 18, 2011
We had sex; not a big deal. We're married. We're supposed to have sex. It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last time.
But he wasn't supposed to get sick the day after. He was throwing up and had a fever that came out of nowhere.
Was it because of me? Is he no longer HIV negative?
I'm on Bactrim; I'm never sick. I'm afraid what it will look like when I do get sick, since last time I had my numbers done my CD4 count was still under 200.
Aaaahh the new stress that I/we face. Will sleeping with my husband kill him in the long run? I was afraid to even say that's what I thought when he got sick. His mind went to the flu. We both had flu shots in September or October. Whatever it was, our son didn't get it, and neither did I.
Now that I am on meds, is my HIV less infectious? He's been having sex with me for YEARS now and hasn't got it yet. As of when he was tested last almost a year ago. He doesn't like condoms and seems to not even want to bother with them. I don't know how I would handle the guilt if he got it.
From the amount of emails I have got from readers on this website, there are a lot of mixed-status couples who are in the same boat; you are my only sanity! Thank you. Sometimes you make it less horrifying to live like this. A lot of couples are mixed status and have told me they also don't bother with condoms. Some of them have been together a LONG time.
So far, none of my exes I have told have it. Which is nice to know. I haven't passed it along unknowingly. I don't understand who I got it from, or how long I have had it. Another topic altogether.
I think my husband is expecting to one day have it. He initially thought he gave it to me, until his blood work came back.
He is always sick; I never am. Before my diagnosis he always had a cold, a sore throat, the flu.
The last time I was really sick was when I had mono back in the spring of 2007. I've only been sick once after that and that was in the hospital when I had our son in July of 2010. Does my body fight off everything and that's why I'm never sick?
Is there a way to not feel guilty every time my husband is sick?
We have gotten over the fear of touching each other. Not sure if every mixed-status couple goes through this. I'm not sure how you single people do it. I have a hard enough time making a move on my husband who I have known most of my life.
It does take a while to get your sexy back. Having a disease doesn't make you dead already. I joke that I have a killer sex drive; it's so twisted it's almost funny.
Voice of ONE
Brooke was diagnosed HIV positive in January 2010 -- two months married and 11 weeks pregnant with her first baby -- and has already begun to educate others about HIV. She lives in Seattle, and her poetry has been featured on TheBody.com. Her son was born on July 15, 2010.
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