December 6, 2010
Trust -- This quality of awareness encourages us all to listen to and trust our own being enough to follow our instincts even if that means questioning teachers or authority.
When I re-read what I just typed, I instantly became aware how contracting HIV has honed my instincts. I suppose survival will do that. Through too much of my life I believed that I should follow the advice of those who knew more about something than I did, even when deep down, it didn't feel right. Forty-six years and a million mistakes later, I now know that there is no authentic replacement for that kind of inner truth that rarely steers me wrong. I just have to remember to honor it.
The past seven days, I turned to the 30-minute Body Scan and usually an additional 15-minute seated meditation to help me get mindful. I have a nice collection of exercises in my mindfulness toolbox but these have become my personal favorites.
This week was sadly the most inconsistent I've been with meditating so far and I can easily feel the difference. There have been so many times when I must choose between "something" and meditating. And truthfully, sometimes, "something" wins. Do I punish myself? Why should I? I'm doing the best I can with where I am. I'm proud to say that for perhaps the first time and really mean it, that is enough. (That'll do, Philip. That'll do)
Ernest Hemingway once said that the best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them. I might say the very same thing about myself. Much like a bank, every time I need to trust in myself and I come through, my account grows. There have been hundreds of times over the past three years when I relied on my gut when faced with a difficult choice. Sure I fucked up often enough but my "trust account" has never been bigger than it is today. Talk about priceless.
Ultimately, it is my hope that the more I learn to trust myself, the easier it will be for me to place my trust in others. Why not? I've done pretty well so far.