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Condoms: Papal Pontifications, a Quicker Quickie and CCCCs (Common Condom Complaints and Conundrums), Part One

By Bob Frascino, M.D.

December 2, 2010

So, a few years back a dude named Sergio-Gaylord (really, that's how he signed his post) wrote to me in The Body's forum Safe Sex and HIV Prevention concerning the subject of "man-bag condoms"!

He wrote:

Hey Dr. McHandsome,

I'm about to enter into the sexually active period of my life. I'm 25 and I can't wait to impress the ladies with my wit and fashion! I'm writing because I'm concerned about carrying condoms in my pocket or wallet. Should I carry them in my man-bag instead or would that be too ticky-tacky?

Thanks for your prompt reply,

Sincerely yours,

Sergio-Gaylord

And folks wonder why I would voluntarily choose to be an expert on this site. This kind of stuff is priceless, far more entertaining than even Stieg Larsson's Millennium Trilogy. And it gives me the chance to respond back with scientific facts and proper bedside manner and decorum.

Response from Dr. Frascino:

You refer to me as Dr. McHandsome; you're 25 but only now about ready to enter into the sexually active period of your life; you expect to impress ladies with your wit and fashion; you carry a man-bag and your name is Sergio-Gaylord????? Whoa! There are so many rainbow flags waving in that message that it's only one penis Popsicle away from a Gay Day parade.

Dude, first off, when someone mentions man-bag on this site, I think scrotum.

To answer your question, condoms can be comfortably carried in your pocket or attaché case or stored for handy use in your nightstand "goody drawer."

Next, you may well be as straight as a lawn dart, but the tone of your post makes me wonder if you could bottom for Liberace. Either way, of course, it's fine with me. I just want you to be safe and sexually content and never-ever ticky-tacky.

Good luck.

Dr. Bob

OK, OK, never mind about the proper bedside manner and decorum, but the scientific stuff was absolutely sound!

I'm amazed at all the things that can go wrong when trying to suit up before a dive into the love canal of your choice. Consequently I thought we should tackle the top five CCCCs (common condom complaints and conundrums). But before addressing the omnipresent "condoms feel too tight" or "condoms break" or "condoms turn my Mr. Stiffy into Mr. Softy," etc., I feel compelled to discuss perhaps the world's greatest condom catastrophe: Pope Benedict XVI.

Actually he and "the church" deserve multiple blog entries to address their shamefully immoral discrimination against women, homophobia and criminal conspiracy to cover up mass child rape, but in light of today's topic, I'll restrict my rant to the Pope's comments on condoms. Let me back up a bit to May 2005, shortly after the current pontiff took office, when he made his first formal pronouncement on the HIV/AIDS pandemic. Speaking to bishops from South Africa (where someone dies from AIDS every two minutes), Botswana (where 28.9% of the adults are HIV infected) and Lesotho (23% of adults infected), the Pope came out strongly against condoms! Such an enlightened and compassionate individual, eh?

In March of 2009, while visiting Cameroon where 540,000 have HIV/AIDS, the Pope proclaimed HIV/AIDS "cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problem." WTF? Condoms aggravate the problem??? How clueless can one dude in an expensive dress and funny-looking hat be???

In May 2009 the Congolese Bishops' Conference gladly embraced the pontiff's pontification, stating: "In all truth, the Pope's message, which we received with joy, has confirmed us in our fight against HIV/AIDS. We say no to condoms!" This is an oxymoron made by a bunch of morons who have sabotaged HIV-prevention efforts in the name of religion! Shame on them!

The Pope's minions have demonized condoms in some truly shocking and morally reprehensible ways, including outright lies. In 2001 Archbishop Francisco Chimoio of Mozambique announced that European condom manufacturers were deliberately infecting condoms with HIV to spread AIDS in Africa! One out of every eight people in Mozambique is HIV infected. Columbian Cardinal Alfonzo Lopez Trujillo had the dubious honor of infamously claiming that the HIV virus can pass through tiny holes in latex condoms! WOWZA! Excuse me, but aren't popes, cardinals and bishops supposed to at least tell the truth?

So now Ratzinger has made headlines once again with this now-famous quote: "There may be a basis in the case of some individuals, as perhaps when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be a first step in the direction of a moralization, a first assumption of responsibility." Color this HIV specialist (and recovering Catholic) unimpressed! That some are reading the Pope's comments as a milestone merely shows how much of a parallel universe the Pope and his minions choose to live in.

Somehow I doubt the true Higher Powers are all that pleased with or impressed by this pope's condom pronouncements issued at a time when two million lives are prematurely snuffed out each year by a disease that, although 100% fatal, is also 100% preventable.


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