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Five Poems by Ronnie De Koker

April 2010

I live in South Africa; I am a 37-year-old male, and have been positive since 2006.

Silent night

Caught in the abyss of my mind
Thinking what if and should've,
The tournament has started;
Of blaming and self guilt.

Silent is the night,
As I enter my room,
Alone in the dark,
Alone in mind,
Alone in flesh.

Standing in a corner,
As to the day that I was a little boy,
But know that I am a man.
Punishing and beating myself,
To a pulp in my mind.

Silent night but not a holy night,
The emptiness of my guilt,
The false smile packed away,
Until the night is over.
Morning comes my double life starts.
Silent is the night.
Silent is my heart.
Silent is my mind.

Hear my cry

My need I have,
As my soul feels lost.
My heart a mess to who I am,
Days go by that I just want to give up
On one of the most important people,
In my life that I am so grateful for.
The one who has taken me,
To higher levels of being.

Hear my cry, my need,
I have to be loved.
As I walk the ways to the new day,
You have given me to this day.
To love another so near to my heart and soul,
To be loved all the same by them,
Is a dream so real and true to us all.

Hear my cry, my need,
I have to find,
My way back on my road,
My way to my purpose,
The journey I have to complete.
The way I need to help those,
Around me is of importance,
To my life,
To who I am,
As you shine your light,
Showing me the way.

Hear my cry, my need,
To feel and be wanted.
As I need you to be my strength,
The pillar of a strong belief,
And faith into who we can be,
To each other and those we call family.

Hear my cry, my need,
As I am a humble,
Man on his knees testifying my belief and faith,
In you and God,
Hear me, hear what I have to say.

Fallen Angel.

It takes us years to build on ourselves,
Who we are and who we become.
Situations may alter our perceptions;
And outlook to whom we can be.

I try my best to develop and grow,
To the best I can be to others,
But sometimes it feels as if I am going nowhere.
I have fallen back into the Abyss,
of what I don't want to become.

I have fallen, the Angel has fallen back,
A few notches into the past.
Listening to others and not myself,
I have fallen into the depths of despair of unhappy thoughts,
Wondering where I went wrong.

The journey I was taking went into a relapse,
Of doubt and disbelief,
Doubting where I am heading,
In my mind I went back in time.

Searching for answers but none came forth,
This Angel has fallen once again.
But my guiding Angel saw the change,
Assisted in finding solutions to what,
I have to do to find my way back,
To my path of exploration.

This Fallen Angel will find his way back,
And take flight!

Feeling of revolting touches

Some days I just want to break
Away from this life,
Not knowing what tomorrow holds for me.

Always feeling that I may revolt another,
Fear of touching them as I don't know,
How they will react to my touch.
I am human like any other.
I have feelings and a heart like all I know and see.

Do people think that we are less human?
Hiv is just in me, it is not me!
It does not define who I am,
Nor the people that have it,
How many have it that do not tell?
How many will say nothing to hurt you?
Infect you with?
You do not know do you?
but I will always revolt you?

My touch will send shivers down your spine,
But I am only human.
I want, what you want, what you have,
My unconditional love.
My heart is yours and you only abuse it.
Hurt is something I have dealt with before,
But lately I cannot anymore,
It is not worth it.

What can I do to make you realize my love?
For you, what do I need to do to prove to you?
That I am yours for the taking for life.
All I want is your unconditional love.

I am in your blood

day by day I take each day the best I can,
facing people that I work with,
even facing the public when I go to the shops,
paying accounts.
always wondering how many can see?
that I am positive that I carry the scarlet ribbon,
on my chest in my blood with my person.
Is it so obvious that I am too blind,
to notice them stare, look at me differently.

as if I have some board hanging from my neck,
this is the face of many faces.
the face of hiv.
there are more like me.
can you see it?
can you feel it?
can you notice the little hiv buggers?
flowing in my blood.

look into my eyes and tell me you see them
tell me,
for i am in your blood,
I have invaded your body,
I have stripped you from,
your negligent ways of destroying your body,
your soul.

I have brought you to your knees in front of many,
making you humble for who you are,
what you can be to many,
I will destroy more when you encounter,
sex, substance abuse.
I'll get you,
I'll bring down, the society you serve;
the lifestyle you own.

I have brought down many and I'll keep on doing so,
until people, nations and communities take me seriously.
see me for who I am,
the killer of the new age,
the serial killer in your town.
Many think that raping a virgin will cure me,
cure you what a joke?

I am here to take you down with me,
to the millions I have taken already,
you are mine until your dying day.
You need to take care of yourself,
or I will take you from this life you know as yours,
the people you love, the family you were given to,
I am your worst nightmare,
when given the opportunity to change you,
I am hiv.

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This article was provided by 2010 Poetry Month at

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