"I'm Back": A Message From Paul A. Kawata, Executive Director of the National Minority AIDS Council
March 1, 2010
A special thanks goes to John Hill, chair of NMAC's board, who was the Acting Executive Director during my absence. He made it possible for me to take this break without worries.
During my time off, I tried to uncover/understand my feelings of grief, loss and anger associated with this epidemic, particularly during those early years. Work can be a good way to ignore and/or avoid good mental health. For the first time since I started this job, I stopped to look back at the funerals, memorials and hospital visits I did over this period. I am part of a generation of gay men (between 45-65) who have lost more friends than they can remember.
Can anyone wrap their brains around this amount of loss? I use work and food as my mechanism to cope. Recently there was a series of articles about the AIDS doctors from the early years in New York and San Francisco. So many of them have gotten lost in drugs, depression and even suicide. Like many of the survivors of this pandemic, good mental health seems just out of my reach.
In 1993, less than one month after my friend, Paul, passed, I had to return to work because NMAC had a big benefit at the Warner Theater. It was during the March on Washington and we sold over 1,400 tickets. Somehow I had to smile and thank all the guests. I remember pushing down so much anger and rage as I walked up on stage. The event was Divas Simply Singing with Sheryl Lee Ralph. As Sheryl held my hand, in front of 1,400 people, I sobbed. It was the first time since Paul had died that I cried, I mean really cried. There is nothing more attractive than a person crying so hard that snot is running out of his nose.
The next month, I had 5 funerals, over 30 hospital visits, and I spoke at 2 memorials. That was my life in the 80s and early 90s in the AIDS epidemic. My life was not unique; this was the reality for many folks fighting the epidemic in those early years. It is a lot to ask for one sabbatical to heal all that loss.
It's going to take time, maybe the rest of my life, to understand and put into perspective the enormity of the grief and loss so many of us experienced. This sabbatical was the first time I stopped to examine those horrible years and the friends I lost along the way.
In 1987, I was arrested in front of the White House. The formal charge was civil disobedience. I was part of a group of national leaders who were chained to the gates of the White House to protest the lack of response from the Reagan administration to the HIV/AIDS epidemic. This is actually the second time I was arrested; the first time was to protest apartheid in South Africa.
In order for us to be arrested at the White House, we had to sit on the ground. Well I was wearing a brand new black cashmere jacket and I was not going to sit on the ground. So the Capitol Police got me a blanket so I could sit on the ground and they could arrest me.
It was all very orchestrated until we got handcuffed in buses and had to wait for hours to be processed. At that time, AZT had just been released and compliance to the treatment regimen was still very new. We were all so concerned about missing a dose, yet with your hands cuffed, how do you take your medication? So we worked in teams to split open AZT capsules and folks had to lick their meds off the bus seat because we did not have water. Boy those were good times ...
On top of this indifference, add homophobia, racism and sexism and its no wonder there is so much dysfunction in our movement. I think we should embrace our dysfunction. For it is through this dysfunction that we created the organizations that continue to fight this epidemic.
We are not the American Red Cross, we are not Citibank and I hope we never will be. It is our rage, anger and loss that gave us the strength to change the world. Now 28 years later, we should not become that which we rebelled against. Can our movement professionalize itself and still stay true to the rage, anger and loss? Yet without systems and structure, is anger or loss enough to sustain an organization?
We are in the middle of the Darwinization of AIDS service organizations. Survival of the fittest. As funding continues to be flat or reduced, federal, state, and local government funders, corporations and foundations, and a limited number of individual donors will be deciding the future of our movement. The new reality means that either you get the grant and stay open or you close your doors. There are very few new funding options. Small and rural cities will have at most one AIDS service organization. This organization will coordinate with their local health department and other nonprofits to provide HIV/AIDS care and services to their community.
Every year this CBO's budget will be slightly reduced as their local or state government reduces or flat funds its HIV commitments. For some communities, the services will move to the local health department as AIDS service organizations close their doors.
In larger urban settings, you will find more than one AIDS service organization. Even in these environments, you are seeing a culling of the field. As we look to this future, we have several difficult questions:
When I say "we", I don't mean NMAC, I mean the AIDS community. I've learned over my 20 years at NMAC that no single agency does it alone. It is through our partnership and working together that we are a stronger community.
Unfortunately, we still have many challenges. Foremost from my perspective is the state HIV/AIDS budget cuts. California alone cut $87 million state dollars over a 2-year period from their budget. International HIV activists are very concerned about the Obama administration's commitment to global funding. And Gay Men, particularly Black Gay Men, continue to be disproportionately impacted by HIV/AIDS.
If I learned anything on this break, I learned how much I like to plan. During my break, I traveled across Asia (Thailand, China, Hong Kong and Singapore). My travels were planned at a level of detail that even surprised me. I am the person who reviews all the web sites and travel blogs to make sure I make the most of my limited time. I am not the person who likes to arrive in a city without a hotel reservation. I am the person who likes to visit/stay/experience the newest, coolest most cutting edge hotels, shopping and restaurants.
As I return to NMAC, I will continue my obsession with planning. I will also continue my commitment to new and cutting edge ideas. For me, it is important that NMAC be in the front of the curve and not following the trends. It also means that if someone else is doing it better, we should support their work and stay out of their way.
Thank you for your support and understanding. I truly believe that I am a better leader because I took this time off. I continue to see my future at NMAC. At this time I do not have any plans to change jobs. The dream has always been to "be here for the cure". It is still the dream I dream.
Yours in the struggle,
You may contact Paul at email@example.com.
This article was provided by National Minority AIDS Council. Visit NMAC's website to find out more about their activities, publications and services.
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