A Brighter Vision

When I was diagnosed with HIV in 2007, the news was devastating. For the first time in my life I felt totally alone and defenseless. My mind immediately shifted from helplessness to acceptance. I made a personal decision to carry on with my life and do whatever necessary to fight my HIV. That meant learning everything I could about my disease. I began educating myself. I obtained as much medical information from every possible source. That's when I discovered TheBody.com.

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The year 2010 is coming to an abrupt close and as my days grow shorter and colder I am looking back at this interesting year. You know, ever since my diagnosis in 2007 my message has always been one of hope. But the events that I witnessed and participated in in 2010 shifted my point of view a little. To get an understanding of what I mean I write the following illustrations.

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I've been thinking about how my life was before getting HIV for the past few days. I've been allowing my mind to wander in some of those lost and forgotten rooms buried deep inside. And it is comforting for me to say that these memories and thoughts are more of a reflection rather than self loathing. It's funny because, and you make think I'm weird for saying this, when I take myself to my past this Stevie Wonder song plays. I hum it to myself and listen to the tune. The song is called "Yester Me, Yester You, Yesterday." I love this song so much because it makes me feel good to hear but also gives me brief moment of sadness. In shorter terms: it is bitter sweet. Just like my life and the many experiences I have encountered. But, hasn't anyone else done this? Don't you find that certain songs, foods, places, and people take you to certain places or moments of your past?

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"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness." This statement from the U.S. Declaration of Independence defines what every American citizen pursues and believes in. These rights apply to every American. Unfortunately, some American people would rather infringe on the rights of others while defending their own. One right in particular is the right to marry.

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For the past several weeks there has been a question lingering in my mind. It's been rattling off and on, on and off. To me, it doesn't matter if I ever get an answer to this question. It also doesn't matter if I get the correct answer. I just need to hear other people's inputs for the sake of my mind.

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I'm not talking about the HIV, but about people ashamed or scared about getting tested. It is an unspoken subject throughout many homes in America, and throughout the world. No matter what cultural community you are in, people refuse to get even TESTED because they fear others backlashing. It is really sad. Because they choose to live in fear, possibly unknowingly infected, rather than take care of themselves.

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The definition of pride is: a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct. The word "pride" standing alone can be viewed as someone coming off as a conceited, pompous, self-righteous, egotistical person. But, when you marry pride with words like honor and courage, it takes on a very different look.

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I recently read something posted online that almost made me faint. I sprinted towards my living room window to see if any pigs were out and about, flying in the summer sky. My dear friend, and sister, Olivia from TheBody.com, sent me the link. After reading this article, I can honestly say my heart started to beat faster.

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I can remember a time when I would get up at 4:45AM and head over to the gym. Hearing that lousy buzzer go off and forcing myself to get out of bed. Sometimes THAT was the hardest part. I would sit up and force my eyes to open. My head was like a computer starting to power up. You know, how you hear that bleep sound and wait for all of the systems to download itself. All of the important icons popping up on the screen, like my thoughts for the day following an order.

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Having this HIV in my body sometimes disheartens me. This HIV reminds me of what my limitations are. It can discourage me from running that extra mile. It can also soften my spirit at times. But these thoughts are all brief and insignificant. They do not carry as much weight as does my serenity. When they filter in my mind, I turn to the Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The Courage to change the things I can. And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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