Since I started speaking in 1992, it seems that everyone wants to take me aside and ask me questions about sex. It doesn't matter where I am, from the office of the IRS (Internal Revenue Service) to the Archdiocese of Paterson, N.J.; people have questions about sex, love, relationships, body image and plumbing. My mailbox is full of questions every day. After lectures I often find little slips of paper with inquires hastily scribbled out.
I was thinking about how I came to know so much about sex. I know about sexual wounding after surviving several sexual assaults, some brutal, while others were more emotionally devastating.
I woke up this morning and discovered an e-mail from YouTube in my inbox. They have banned one of my videos! I don't know what it is about me, but I seem to offend people with what I think is educational and entertaining information.
The said video, which you can view below, describes how to put a condom on with your mouth. It is done in a very direct and candid manner, but is in no way obscene. I was indicted in 1996 by the district attorney of New Jersey for doing the same thing at Hillsborough High School. (I had permission and I was using a demonstration penis, not a student) In the end, they had to drop all charges because it was not against the law to educate. It did not stop me from being banned from high schools for about a decade.
Since I found out I was HIV positive, my whole life went into high gear. I had things to do before the final goodbye. Eighteen years passed without a vacation. I work seven days a week, 10 to 12 hours a day on the books, articles, shows, lectures, art and all the details to keep it running. When I am not in the office, I am on the road.
Since it seems I am destined to live longer than I anticipated, I recently thought it was time for a formal vacation. I have always wanted to go to Panama and used accumulated credit card points and frequent flyer miles to go with my husband on an expedition.
It did not start off well.
The first thing I did after I found out I was HIV positive was eat. I decided that if I was going to die, I was going to die fat. Fuck 'em, I thought; let 'em buy an extra large coffin.
For the first time in my life, I let myself eat without recrimination. Anything glazed, cream filled and deep-fried. I put vanilla ice cream into the microwave and used it as dip for Doritos.
Some people have alcohol or drug addiction, I have those as well, but my first addiction was food. I came from a long line of women with issues around food and their bodies.
You know how people like Tony Robbins will ask, "What if you had only six months left to live? Are you satisfied with the direction of your life? Are you living your dreams?" After you are diagnosed with HIV, these thoughts often come up as well.
Subscribe to River's Blog