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The Drug Addict Takes a Holiday


A Video Blog

By Mark S. King

January 13, 2009

As carefully as I manage my HIV meds and doctor appointments, I manage my recovery from crystal meth addiction. "Recovery" means different things to people and those facing addiction find help in various ways -- 12-step programs, therapy, their church or faith -- and I'm not going to promote one or the other. I'll simply say that being vigilant and accepting myself as a crystal meth addict in recovery is vital, and the consequences of ignoring it are more dangerous than even my HIV diagnosis.

My video blog takes you to Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., where I recently spent time with a former partner who said goodbye to our relationship when I entered rehab about three years ago. He had had enough of my drama, my lies and my inability to function honestly. The relationship I squandered, though, has been renewed, however tentatively, as he and I try to figure out what we might mean to one another today, after all these years. He has learned quite a bit more about the nature of addiction, and I have shown a commitment to regaining my true self. There have been relapses along the way, to be honest, and getting to the root of what takes me there has been a tough emotional excavation. Check out the video blog as I try to make sense of second chances, or just to see me fall flat on my ass from a faulty hammock. (Ouch!)

Ironically, some of the personal traits that have seemingly served me well in dealing with HIV/AIDS have not helped my recovery. I tend to keep an emotional distance from things (I'm much more emotional as a writer than in real life -- something about the secondhand nature of writing makes it feel safer to me). Through the deaths of the 1980s and my own HIV diagnosis, I have maintained a blinders-on, healthy state of denial, in order to keep working for the community or through my own grief. Just keep pushing forward, pushing forward ... Alas, that "emotional insulation" betrays me when it comes to using drugs, because crystal meth is, itself, a way to choke my feelings. If I am ever to successfully maintain healthy recovery, I've got to just feel it, whether it's the grief of the past or the fears I experience today.

Trust me, those fears are there. Fear of HIV getting the upper hand, of relapse, of lost loves and last chances. But I'm learning to be afraid, be angry or depressed, and let the emotions flare up for themselves without dousing them in drugs. Sometimes a fire needs to simply burn itself out.

Thanks for reading and enjoy the video. And please, be well.

Mark

To contact Mark, click here.


Episode Five: The Drug Addict Takes a Holiday

See Also
Ask Our Expert, David Fawcett, Ph.D., L.C.S.W., About Substance Use and HIV
More First-Person Stories on Substance Abuse and HIV/AIDS

 

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VIDEO BLOG:
My Fabulous Disease


Mark S. King has been an active AIDS activist, writer and community organization leader since the early 1980s in Los Angeles. He has been an outspoken advocate for prevention education and for issues important to those living with HIV.

Diagnosed in 1985, Mark has held positions with the Los Angeles Shanti Foundation, AID Atlanta and AIDS Survival Project, and is an award-winning writer. He continues his volunteer work as an AIDS educator and speaker for conferences and events.

Speaking engagements: Mark King is available to speak to groups. Contact Mark about speaking at your organization or event!


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A Place Like This by Mark King

View an excerpt of Mark's book

To read PDF, click here


Interviews With Mark:

Mark King Looks Back at the AIDS Epidemic's Darkest Hour in the U.S. (May 14, 2008)

This Month in HIV: Crystal Methamphetamine and HIV (August 2007)


Articles by Mark:

Meth Burial (May 2008)

Outliving My Father (May 22, 2001)
Mark recounts how years of caring for friends dying of AIDS prepared him for taking care of his dying father
From The Advocate

AIDS Always Benefits from What We Don't Talk About (April 2001)


For the rest of Mark's articles, click here.


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The opinions expressed by TheBody.com's bloggers are entirely their own, and do not necessarily reflect the views of TheBody.com itself.

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