Standing My Ground With Latex: A Blog Entry by Terri Wilder

Terri Wilder, M.S.W.
July 27, 2008

Standing My Ground With Latex

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Time: 5:00 p.m.
Place: Georgia

Dating sucks. I hate it and wish I didn't have to participate in it. I realize that no one is forcing me to date, but does it have to be so complicated? Can't we just go out, like each other, find each other attractive, have great safer sex, get tested, get married, have kids, live happily ever after and avoid all the BS that comes with dating?

I guess I don't have to participate in the dating world, but I do enjoy a cute boy's company and if I'm lucky enough to be asked out, I usually take the guy up on his offer. The problem starts when we realize that we are attracted to each other. Of course, the guy knows from the very beginning that I work in HIV because I talk about it and am really proud of all the things that I've done. But I can't tell you how many times people have tried to talk me out of using latex condoms -- it's amazing. Do they think this prevention song and dance is only for the office? Am I going to throw everything I know out the window and act like I'm too good to become infected with HIV?

I am surprised at how surprised men are when I tell them that I won't renegotiate my commitment to preventing HIV. Preventing HIV is something I do on a macro level, but it's also something that I do every time I have sex with a condom. I guess it is possible that some people work in HIV, give prevention messages all day long and then go out and have unprotected sex, but I am not a "do as I say, not as I do" kind of person. I actually practice what I preach. I use latex condoms every time I have sex, but I am amazed at how difficult it can be to get someone to ride that latex train with me.

I have "dated" two guys in the last year. We didn't date in the typical sense of calling each other girlfriend and boyfriend, but we spent time together and the relationships progressed to sex. The first guy I dated willingly pulled out the latex condoms the first time we had sex. I had mentally prepared myself for a conversation but found that it was unnecessary as he grabbed them before I could even begin the dialogue. I was happy to see that he had a healthy supply of latex condoms.

As the "relationship" progressed, he told me that it was time for me to get on birth control so that we didn't have to use condoms anymore. This was despite the fact that I told him that one of my girlfriends had just tested HIV positive. I told him that unprotected sex would not happen anytime soon because I refused to have my vagina become my grave.

The second guy I dated really challenged me. He absolutely would not have sex with me with a condom, so we never had sex. He only wanted to have unprotected sex. We expressed our attraction to one another in other ways, but we never had vaginal-penile sex. You know, it really surprised me when he refused to have protected vaginal-penile sex with me because we have known each other for 20 years and he REALLY knows what I do for a living.

I guess working in HIV doesn't provide me with the out I thought it would. I just assumed that everyone would assume that I would not have unprotected sex with them. Working in HIV doesn't absolve me from having to negotiate safer sex. It doesn't absolve me from the conversation that women around the world have to have every day with their sexual partners. And it doesn't absolve me from having to explain why I absolutely will not put myself at risk. You know, I was hoping that I would get to take the easy way out with this guy -- grab a condom and go at it -- because all I really wanted was to have a passionate latex freak fest with him.

In both situations, I stood my ground. I'm lucky I got to stand my ground, because many women around the world would have had the shit beaten out of them for displaying such independence. Despite this privilege, I can't help feeling a little sad about the situation. It ultimately became a deal breaker that made me realize how little this guy respects himself or me.

So, why don't people want to use latex condoms? I just don't think they're that bad. Of course, I have been using them all of my sexual life so they are normal to me. Honestly, I don't know how I would react to having unprotected sex because I think that WOULD feel abnormal to me.

In the end, I believe that we are all at risk for HIV. Some of us are more at risk than others, but we all have risk. I wonder if there is anyone out there that I can date, have protected sex with and not feel like I'm the freak simply because I want to love in latex. Maybe the date I had in New York last weekend will work out and he will embrace his inner latex love with me. Wouldn't that be great? Two latex freaks in a bed ... mmm ... heaven!

To contact Terri, please e-mail twilder@thebody.com.

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Reader Comments:

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Comment by: Bernadette (Rhode Island) Tue., Jul. 28, 2009 at 9:55 am EDT
I wish I had thought more like this. Now I am so very scared that I could have contracted something. I got tested last year, and all was clear. I met my boyfriend and we were using condoms. After a while and after having discussed both (supposedly) recently being tested and coming back fine, that since we were committed we would stop using condoms. One year later and now I am finding out about multiple women he was sleeping with behind my back, unprotected. I am so very scared now. I know it will sound crazy, but I had a vision about him with HIV, and now I am afraid of it coming true, and am praying that it hasn't happened yet and that I dodged a bullet. From now on I will always use condoms. Sad thing is, now I have to use them every time, for the rest of my entire life? You can never know for certain what someone is up to, so now I have to assume someone is going to lie to me?? this sucks. I cannot wait to get tested. Now I am just afraid of all men. I give up on dating!

Comment by: PeterMontee (Israel) Thu., Jul. 2, 2009 at 6:23 pm EDT
Rather amusing message

Comment by: LeraJenkins (Canada) Sun., Jun. 21, 2009 at 11:34 pm EDT
Bravo, what words..., a brilliant idea

Comment by: Robert (South Carolina) Wed., Mar. 25, 2009 at 3:53 pm EDT
Sigh! It's no better with gay men. I remember two I merely, more or less "interviewed," in a face-to-face discussion, after meeting online, pondering....more. One had lied, and was still in a relationship, but was "planning on leaving"! The other admitted that as a P.W.A., he did *NOT* disclose unless they asked him! He said, "I'm not their babysitter! If they don't care enough to ask before having sex, why should I tell them?" And then admitted to having unsafe sex, being a P.W.A.! Needless to say, we did not date again. I doubt either really knew why.

Comment by: David Mboya Tue., Aug. 12, 2008 at 7:01 am EDT
Shame on us men!!

Comment by: David Mboya Tue., Aug. 12, 2008 at 7:00 am EDT
Guys, get serious. Men are always required to be in control of things.

Comment by: Shellie Ann Fri., Aug. 8, 2008 at 11:02 am EDT
This article is really inspiring. Thanks for letting us know.

Comment by: mark Mon., Aug. 4, 2008 at 4:54 am EDT
i wish i had your discipline

Comment by: Sharon Sat., Aug. 2, 2008 at 3:42 pm EDT
I'm glad I stumbled on this ...I just had a conversation with my boyfriend, well we are debating ending it, and I said that I felt his a attraction to me had been drifting off for a while now ... when I asked him to try and pin point why, he said he thinks its cause we use a condom during sex..."its inconvenient,it doesn't feel the same, etc." I couldn't believe that this was his theory. Yet, he agreed, because of pregnancy risks it was still better we used one, and he didn't want me on birth control cause I had never been and I don't want to put my body through those chemicals, but still, he felt the condom was killing our emotional connection. To believe for a minute I actually contemplated his theory ... its quits for us now. Thank you to all the other posters!

Comment by: Jimmy C Des Moines, Ia Sat., Aug. 2, 2008 at 1:24 am EDT
I am proud of those who hold steadfast to holding dear to what a thin layer of latex gives in security, mentally and physically. I learned the hard way in the Christmas season of 2007 when I went through the agonizing steps from denial to wanting to 'take myself out'once realizing that I had too fell victim to hetrosexual sexual trust and deception in becomint HIV positive. I am a praying and believing person and used a great deal of this to bounce back to realize that these children of ours are un-educated in the perils of this life changing event that lasts a life time and face taking 5 pills a day to stay alive or in the running to live out your life with the germ inside you.I was dis-heartened to think all that I can't do in donating blood or a chance of donating an organ to a loved one in need because of me letting down my guard. It all begins with a adherence to principles and not letting passion outweigh our listening to our inner voice to insist on wearing this life protecting and sexual enhancing device. All one needs to know is how to best use it for ones pleasure and practice using it. If someone truly cares about themselves and you, this would not be an issue at all. God Bless! Blazenfast@msn.com

Comment by: Richard Sat., Aug. 2, 2008 at 1:16 am EDT
good for you!!! Is everyone listening and taking notes!! You can't love someone to death.

Comment by: Youth Radio Thu., Jul. 31, 2008 at 8:04 pm EDT
Hey, you might want to check out our video, "Unprotected Sex is the New Engagement Ring" at http://current.com/items/ 89149905_unprotected_sex_is_the_new_engagement_ring Vote and comment on the video if you have a sec! Thanks!

Comment by: Alan Y. Thu., Jul. 31, 2008 at 4:20 pm EDT
Aloha Terri! I want to thank you for voicing your story. As a board member, I too serve an HIV/AIDS services organization which espouses prevention first and foremost. I too have faced the frustration of dates who try to cajole me into having unprotected sex. I too have turned these men away, as hot as some of them have been. I've lived for 23+ years with HIV, and I just don't want to either pass it on, or possibly get reinfected. It's a hard (no pun intended) and lonely path "sticking to your latex", but it really does say that we love ourselves and our partners. Thank you for sharing your "mana'o", your spirit, your story. The right one is waiting out there for us, and he's got lots of condoms with him. I know I do. Aloha and Be Well! Alan Y.

Comment by: Kirk Thu., Jul. 31, 2008 at 4:00 pm EDT
Thanks! I am pos and wish I would have listened to the inner voice. Now, I adhere to this truth and attempt to tell my friends. I am confident that I am forgiven but I know I am still living so that I can help spread the word. Great courage and great latex sex.

Comment by: jill Thu., Jul. 31, 2008 at 12:05 pm EDT
I am pos. just found out last year 2007. been married for 25 years. only 2 sex partners. my past partner has been tested. he is neg. but my spouse refuse to be tested. please people, no matter what protect yourself.

Comment by: Belle Thu., Jul. 31, 2008 at 9:29 am EDT
Terri, more people should be like you! I used to be one of those women who felt that condoms were a "love breaker" until I got involved with my current love...we're in a magnetic relationship; he's pos, Im not. He was infected by his "committed" girlfriend who cheated, became infected and did not disclose her status to him. Eventually, she became pregnant with his children (Twins), had pregnancy screening done, still did not disclose and now, all four of them are pos. She continued her lies until the children were almost 2yrs old, then she finally came clean about her actions. All this to say that even when you think you are in a committed relationship, that still does not protect you! Stay well & safe!

Comment by: NO Glove ...NO Love Thu., Jul. 31, 2008 at 9:23 am EDT
NO GLOVE....NO LOVE...It is about respecting oneself, taking responsibility and not giving into the passions of the moment without using a condom (everyone that feel and look good is not always good for you). Once the few minutes of no glove passion is over there is guilt and wondering why didn't we use a condom. Just think if a person doesn't use a condom with you they most often are using a condom with others they had or is having sex with. Unprotected sex should not be negotiable. I have had guys to tell me, "See you are special and not like the rest we don't need to use a condom" I say, "and yes I am very special, "No glove, no love" Now trust that!!!!!

Comment by: Freda J Thu., Jul. 31, 2008 at 8:45 am EDT
I understand you. I am living with the virus and do not have a problem with disclosing my status, and I still get guys that want to have unprotected sex. Men listen, wake up that's how I got exposed to the virus (heterosexual unprotected sex), I do know better now.

Comment by: Lilian Thu., Jul. 31, 2008 at 7:56 am EDT
I work in HIV too, in Africa, I'm African, and yes, it shocks me that regular condom use is not even considered in the relationships of my closest friends and relatives. The unfortunate truth is that we believe we only need condoms for once-off sexual encounters with strangers and not for long-term relationships as we assume that trust comes naturally when we've been with someone for a while and when we know that person.

Comment by: Mandu Thu., Jul. 31, 2008 at 1:58 am EDT
I have lost a few relationships because i refused to do it without latex, and also i have people asking me when am i going to have a second child??? People just don't learn!!!

Comment by: Matt Thu., Jul. 31, 2008 at 1:38 am EDT
Hi Great post - I've been in the same situation where the woman I was with really got uptight about me wanting to use a condom. It scared me a little given I live in South Africa where as you know HIV is very prevalent. I don't get why its SUCH a big issue! Let me put the condom on and we're all good - If an argument starts the mood goes and all is limp erm lost :)

Comment by: Eroticize the Rubber Wed., Jul. 30, 2008 at 7:35 pm EDT
I'm with you, Terri.

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Working in the Frontlines of the HIV Pandemic Since 1989

Terri Wilder, M.S.W.

Terri Wilder is a social worker who has worked in HIV for nearly two decades. She has written numerous articles about HIV, and has presented at HIV conferences around the United States. She is currently pursuing a doctoral degree in sociology at Georgia State University.

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