Starting a Mixed-HIV-Status Relationship

• I recently told a guy I liked I was positive, and he rejected me. I wonder if I'll ever have the courage to start a magnetic relationship again. Please help.
• I just met the man of my dreams, and he's positive. He says he's undetectable and strict with his meds. What does that mean for us?
• I've fallen in love with an HIV-positive man, but I don't know if I can handle the stress of being in a magnetic relationship. I'm also not sure if I can totally trust him. I need some advice. Please help.
• The woman I am in love with just found out that she is HIV positive, and she's pushing me away. I don't care that she's positive; I just want to be with her. Any advice?
• My boyfriend says that he completed his HIV treatment and is not able to pass the virus onto others due to "the miracles of modern treatment." Could this be true?
• Is pursuing a relationship with an HIVer completely insane? How many magnetic couples like us are there?
• I want to be as close as I can to my HIV-positive partner, and stay HIV negative. What can I do for them, and what can I do for me?

HIV Testing for Mixed-HIV-Status Couples

• My partner's positive, so to be on the safe side I get tested three or four times every year. The last two times my ELISA has been positive, but my Western Blot has been negative. What does this mean?
• After my partner tested positive, I took a Home Access HIV test. It was negative. Is this conclusive enough or do I need to get tested at a doctor's office to be sure?
• My doctor insists that I get tested every three months because he knows that my partner is positive. Is the constant testing necessary?
• As part of a magnetic couple, how often should I be tested? Also, should I ask my partner's doctor to write me a prescription for PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis) that I can have on hand just in case?
• My partner might have exposed me to HIV a few months ago, but so far my tests have been negative. How far out should I test to consider the results definitive?
• Recently, I tested negative; however this was only weeks after the last time my HIV-positive partner and I had oral sex. How risky was this behavior and when, if at all, should I get tested again?

Safer Sex and HIV Prevention

• My husband was just diagnosed HIV positive, and I don't want to use a condom when we have sex. What would happen if we have unprotected sex? Is it safe for me if he just pulls out before he ejaculates?
• Even though we always use protection, my negative partner expressed some concern over the safety of our sexual activities. What can I tell him to ease his worries?
• I'm positive, and my negative partner and I want to have oral sex without using a condom. Is there any way to decrease the risk of transmission?
• I always wear a condom when I have anal sex with my positive partner. However his doctor says that's not enough protection and that he needs to wear a female condom too. Is she for real?
• A few months ago, I decided I no longer wanted to use condoms with my HIV-positive partner when we had sex. Am I being ridiculous to not use protection?
• I am HIV positive, and my partner is negative. We have major concerns about our relationship and the possibility of him becoming infected. What should and shouldn't we do sexually?
• I'm positive, and my HIV-negative partner likes to have unprotected anal sex (insertive and receptive) without ejaculation. Are there any statistics on transmission prevalence in this situation?
• I would like to get your opinion on the risks of transmission between lesbians in the following sexual scenarios: 1) mutual kissing / rubbing / vaginal insertion of fingers; 2) oral sex; and 3) using a double-ended dildo simultaneously.
• When they say that condoms offer at least 85% protection against HIV, do they mean that out of 100 episodes of protected sex with a positive individual, 15 result in transmission? I guess not, but what do they actually mean?
• I read that the risk of infection for a negative man from a positive woman is ridiculously low, assuming there are no sores, rough play, etc. How safe is sex without protection?
• I don't have a problem with my new partner being positive, though I am sure I will have many questions for a while. How safe is using a female condom for gay men during anal sex? Am I out of my mind for telling him that I will not use condoms for oral sex?
• I am HIV negative, and my partner is HIV positive. Should I consider HAART prophylaxis if there is condom failure when I am the anal receptive partner?
• Since I was diagnosed, my husband and I have been using condoms and a substance called "Jell" that researchers say totally fights off infection. Sometimes he takes the condom off and hides it from me. Will he get infected if he continues to misuse and hide condoms?
• My HIV-positive boyfriend doesn't encourage me to be safe; he feels that my risk is so insignificant that it's not worth the time to use protection. Maybe I should just cut my losses and leave this relationship.
• I tested positive in August 2002. My partner, who is negative, and I have decided that it's okay for me to perform oral sex on him without a condom. Are we whistling past the graveyard?

Disclosing HIV-Positive Status

• Before my negative partner and I get our domestic partnership certificate, I want to disclose my positive status to more of the family. What should I say?
• I'm positive, and I don't want to tell anyone except my partners, past and present. However my current partner is pushing me to disclose. She's even told two people on her own. What should I do?
• I haven't told my boyfriend that I'm positive yet, and he wants us to go get tested together. I don't know what to do. How do I break the news to him?
• My son doesn't know that his dad died because of complications from HIV. He's asking a lot of questions about his dad now that he's 12, and I am having a hard time deciding what to tell him.
• I am starting a new relationship with someone who doesn't know I am positive. I am worried that once he knows he won't want to continue our relationship. How should I talk to him about this?
• I live in a very small town, and no one (not even my family) knows that my husband died from HIV. No one knows about my positive status either. I am so scared to tell. What I can do to protect my daughters, my new love and myself?
• I am confused about whether I should disclose my status to sexual partners. On one hand, I feel obligated to protect them, but I also feel that I have a right to privacy. What do you think?

Feelings of Guilt and Fear in Mixed-Status Relationships

• Ever since I found out I was HIV positive, I haven't been able to bring myself to do anything more than kiss and cuddle with my partner. I'm terrified that I could infect him.
• My HIV-negative partner knew that I was positive when he started seeing me, but now he says he can't handle it. What can I do to help him through his fear?
• I was diagnosed with HIV last year, and my girlfriend and I have been having unprotected sex. She has known since then, but now is afraid that HIV will "eat her uterus."
• My husband just tested HIV positive, but I'm still negative. I don't understand how our statuses could be different as we've led a very active sexual life. I feel guilty that I am negative -- is that normal?
• I recently sent you a question about having a negative partner, playing with positive men and being guilt-ridden. In an answer to a similar situation, you said there was "no reason [they] can't have satisfying sex." Well, that's not how I feel.
• I'm newly positive, and I'm scared to death to get involved with someone who's negative. Most of my fear is concern of infecting him. However, it also has to do with a negative person never really understanding what's happening to me.
• My partner just tested positive, and he got really hurt when I suggested that we stick to safer sexual activities. Does this mean that I don't love him enough? Am I a shallow, narcissistic guy?
• I am an HIV-positive lesbian. I love my girlfriend, and she is very supportive of me. Yet she feels as though I have no interest in being intimate with her. It's not true ? I'm just terrified of exposing her to HIV.
• What is the best way to give support to my HIV-negative partner? Sometimes he becomes very scared of being infected, which I understand. I try to calm him down, but it doesn't always work.

Having Children in Mixed-Status Relationships

• My husband and I -- he's negative and I'm positive ? really want to have a baby. However we can't afford in vitro fertilization. Are there any other options for us?
• I'm positive, and my husband is negative. We want to have a baby the old-fashioned way. Do you have any advice for us?
• I have read many questions from HIV-positive men and HIV-negative women who want to conceive. My wife and I were recently patients of Dr. Sauer in New York -- and it was successful! I am now the proud father of a healthy, HIV-negative baby girl!
• She's HIV positive, and I'm HIV negative. What is the best way to get her pregnant without exposing myself to HIV?
• I am an HIV-negative female, and I want to have my positive male partner's baby. Is it safer for me if he ejaculates outside of me and we insert it into my body via tube or turkey baster?
• My HIV-positive boyfriend and I are interested in having children. Is there any new information about sperm washing or other risk-reducing procedures for magnetic couples?
• We are a magnetic couple that would like to have a child but are worried about passing on HIV. Is it true that the virus is very fragile outside of the body? Could it be killed with chemicals or washed away while leaving the sperm intact?

Caring for an HIV-Positive Partner

• My partner of over seven years was diagnosed with AIDS about six months ago. He's fighting with all his might, and he seems to be getting better, although it's slow going. What can we expect in the future?
• My HIV-positive partner has dementia and was just diagnosed with PML a few months ago. I'm struggling with what to do -- I love this man, but I'm having a very hard time taking care of him. How do you know when someone should be placed in an assisted-living facility?
• I love my positive partner and want to make love to him, but he's not interested. His viral load is way down thanks to meds, but the side effects are nasty. Any advice?
• Eighteen months ago, my fiancée was diagnosed as HIV positive. I love this woman with all my heart, but she often gets depressed and shuts me out. I'm beginning to take the rejection personally. What can I do to help us?
• My partner is HIV positive and I am HIV negative. I am having trouble dealing with my anger, not towards him, but this disease. He has been very weak and is now on disability. What can I do?
• Recently, the doctor told my HIV-positive partner that this is the last chance to get the virus under control. I am not sure what to do to help him feel some hope. He sees no future and, although it's been a bumpy ride, I don't want to see him give up.

General Concerns

• My husband and I have always had unprotected sex. How can he be HIV positive while I am still negative?
• About two months into my current relationship I found out I was positive. Even though my partner and I have stayed together -- and he says he's comfortable with us being a magnetic couple -- his attitude towards sex has totally changed. What should I do?
• What advice can you give to a newly diagnosed positive man? I don't want to lose my negative partner, but I know that there are some things he may not be able to handle.
• I am on HIV meds and have been undetectable for three months. My partner and I were having sex the other night and the condom broke. What is the likelihood of transmission?
• A month into our relationship, my partner found out he was HIV positive. I really love him, but I'm afraid to commit to someone I may lose. How long will he live if he takes his medications?
• What can I do to prevent exposure from my HIV-positive life partner? Giving her up is just not an option!

For frequently asked questions on other HIV/AIDS topics, click here.