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A Survivor of Indifference

October, 1999

I wonder if Lazarus

ever felt like this

having lived one too many lives

afraid to live, afraid to die.

Searching for that pot of gold

this medicated body growing old

Another friend diagnosed

with Kaposis Sarcoma

So many others pretending

AIDS is over

My truth is a reality

of a disease which tests humanity.

What kind of lessons

are to be learned?

God, I am trying

but I am so concerned.

Have we become so insensitive,

desensitized to illness, heartbreak and death?

I am unsure of my heart's wellness

Perhaps I should have already

taken my last breath.

And yet every day

I talk with someone new,

HIV infected, a disease

which makes us all so blue.

No, it's not over

there is no cure

So many lives in turmoil,

Is this too real?

As survivors,

we protect ourselves with denial

Overwhelmed with anger

I can feel my blood boil.

My heart wounded once again --

perhaps this is God's trial,

lessons taught us in the rain.

Maintaining my faith

I hunger for the truth

of life and all of its challenges,

a survivor of indifference,

My scarred soul grasping onto love

looking for a Rainbow

as I walk in the eye of this storm.

I am in a state of renewed health

living a life of the reborn

Unsure of where I am going,

Afraid of where I have been

hurting for a healing

will this confusion come to an end?

Have we become so insensitive --

desensitized to illness, heartbreak and death

Insecure with my heart's wellness

Perhaps I should have already

taken my last breath.

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This article was provided by AIDS Survival Project. It is a part of the publication Survival News.