There is no easy answer concerning how to talk to a partner about HIV and
STDs (sexually transmitted diseases). Although many people find it easy to
have sex, they find it extremely difficult to talk about it. So how does one
begin?
The dynamics of every relationship are a little bit different. The most
important thing is to talk about STDs before having sex. But many people
feel too embarrassed or scared to do this, or do not have the necessary
communication skills it takes to talk about it. Most of the time, a person
simply has to muster up enough courage to bring up the subject. However,
some people are just too scared to bring up the subject altogether, for fear
of a partner rejecting them by the mere mention of the terms "STD" or "HIV."
Keep in mind that if your partner breaks up with you because you have
brought up the subject of STDs, then there was not much keeping the
relationship together in the first place! Also, there is only one way to know your
partner's HIV/STD risk factors, and that is to directly ask.
Let me make the following suggestions on how to bring up this topic:
- Read up on HIV and STDs. The more you know about this topic, the easier
it will be to talk to your partner. (Check out The Body's information on
Safer Sex/Prevention, particularly The
Link Between HIV and Other STDs from the Centers for Disease Control.
- It is crucial to talk about HIV/STDs before you have sex. If you wait
until afterwards, it will be much more difficult to bring up the subject.
The time to start talking about HIV/STDs is when you start feeling the
emotional urge to have sex with someone.
- Talk about HIV/STDs in a quiet, one-to-one setting. For example, you may
want to talk about it while on a date or while taking a walk.
- Expect your partner to get defensive about this subject. They may find
the subject just as hard to talk about, perhaps even more so than you.
Explain that you are discussing this subject as a way to protect your health
as well as theirs. Tell them how much you care about them!
- Do not interrogate or interview your partner about their HIV/STD risk
factors. Rather, discuss your own risk factors first. Then ask about
theirs. This will often make it easier for them to talk about their own
risks, after you talk about yours. Try to make it as relaxed a conversation
as possible.
- If you don't know how to bring up the subject of HIV/STDs, then bring it
up when it's mentioned in the news or on TV. Another suggestion is to surf
the net, and take them to The Body's Forum on Safe Sex and HIV Prevention.
- If you start having sex with someone, and you notice a symptom which may
be an STD (unusual growths or lesions, an unusual discharge, etc.), tell your
partner immediately! He or she may get very defensive and upset. This is
normal. But point out the symptoms, and explain to them you are mentioning
it only because you are concerned about their health.
- Consider getting tested with your partner for HIV and other STDs before having sex. Call it a "ritual of modern dating" if you wish. Getting
tested together takes away some of the pressure of your partner getting
tested, since you are getting tested yourself as well.
- Talk about HIV/STDs when both of you are sober, and in a relatively good
mood.
- Discuss this subject in person. I do not suggest that you talk about it
over the phone, by e-mail, by instant message (IM) or by letter. The
personal touch can really make a difference here!
In summary, discussing HIV/STDs (or any sexual issue for that matter) can be
extremely difficult. But talking about this issue ahead of time is crucial.
It's part of learning more about your partner and taking care of yourself, and it's an important part of every relationship.
Do you want more information on AIDS, STDs or safer sex? Contact the U.S. Centers for Disease Control AIDS hotline, open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, at 1-800-CDC-INFO. Or visit The Body's Safe Sex and Prevention Forum.
Until next time . . . Work hard, play hard, play safe, stay sober!
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