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An Open Letter to My Future Sex Partners

December 18, 2015

David Duran

David Duran

I wanted to write this, not only because I still struggle with the right words to use each time I disclose, but also for others to read and understand the thought process someone has when disclosing his HIV status. Hopefully it will help others with their own, personal disclosure, either through inspiration or by simply being a link that is shared with others to help start the conversation.

So there's something I want to discuss with you before we take whatever this is to the next level. I wanted to bring it up right away, but I thought I would first see where this is going. It's not an easy topic to bring up, but here goes. I'm HIV-positive. I'm healthy, on medication and have been undetectable for years. It's not a huge deal to me, but I fully understand that it may be to you. Or maybe you already know all you need to know about HIV, and you are up to date on information. I don't know what you are thinking at this moment after reading this, but here's how I'm feeling.

Right now, I'm feeling a sense of relief. Disclosing is obviously not an easy task, especially when it comes to something as stigmatized as HIV. I'm feeling relief because I told you what I needed to tell you and on my own accord. If you had asked me, I would have told you, but it would have been a lot more difficult because I am not yet programmed to verbalize my carefully thought out monologue about my positive status. But now that a sense of relief has kicked in, I'm also beginning to feel anxiety and fear.

I'm asking myself, "What if this news is a deal breaker?" I mean, it very well could be. And just so you know, if it is, I'm not going to be upset because you wouldn't be the first person to reject me because of my status. But if you are going to reject me, I'd like to know exactly why. Because if it's due to a lack of knowledge and information about the topic, then I'm more than willing to share what I know, which happens to be a lot.

You know, when I first was diagnosed, I had my moments of darkness when all I wanted to do was grieve and forget about the rest of my life. I think I deserved that time, as I needed to put myself back together after my world came to a halt. But when I was ready, I took the time to become somewhat of an expert on this virus that is going to be a part of my life for the foreseeable future. I realized that knowing everything there is to know about HIV ... and more was to my benefit, not only because some of what I learned is vital to me staying healthy and alive, but because the more I knew, the more empowered I felt.

I have put up a bit of a guard since finding out, and it's mostly for my protection and sanity, because even with all the amazing advancements out there and news of new forms of protection, HIV is still a highly stigmatized disease. But every day when I wake up, I honestly don't think about it anymore. At night before bed, I'm fortunate to have just one pill to take before passing out. To me, that pill could easily be a cholesterol medication, or an allergy pill or even an aspirin. I realize the importance of that one pill, as it's keeping me healthy and allowing me to live a normal life, but each night when I take it, I don't think too much about it. The only time I am really slapped in the face with reality is when it comes to sex, and having to disclose my status. That's the moment when all those initial feelings of being scared, ashamed and alone set in again, the same way they did after I was diagnosed, even if just for a brief moment or two.

I want you to know that I'm an open book, for the most part. I believe in putting it all out there because honesty is just so much easier. If you have questions, I'm here to answer them. If you want to know how I came to be HIV-positive -- which at times is the initial question after I disclose -- I understand. Curiosity is a natural response. And if you really need to know right away, I'll let you know, but does it really matter? I just worked up the courage to tell you something extremely personal about myself, and I would prefer not to open the wound any further by rehashing the trauma. But at some point, if this goes anywhere beyond just sex, it's something that I am open to discussing.

Before I open up the floor to questions, here's some information that I'd like to share right off the bat. It's all good information, and I'm hoping you already know it, but just in case here's a refresher. There have been all sorts of studies on whether or not a person who is undetectable can transmit the virus. Some studies have concluded that it's not possible to transmit, while others say there is a minute possibility of transmission, but I can't tell you which to believe. What I can say is that even those studies that find a possible risk of transmission say that the risk is so small that experts argue it's equivalent to saying it's not possible to transmit. Regardless, the information is out there. And it only applies only if we decide to have sex without a condom.

That all being said, I don't know if you are aware about PrEP, a once-a-day pill that protects HIV-negative people from becoming infected with the virus. I mean, I'm being open and honest about my status, and I'm comfortable enough with being undetectable to know that I am not putting you at risk, but not everyone is like me. And whether or not you decide to have sex with me, I'd like you to know that you have options to protect yourself. So if you don't know about PrEP, you should check it out, because it's the most amazing advancement helping to stop the spread of the virus.

So there it is. I realize this is a lot of unloading, and you can take all the time you need to process the information. Again, I just wanted to be open about it all, and to make sure you are good with it and that you know you can use me as a resource if you want more information. I know it's a heavy topic, but it doesn't have to be, and it really shouldn't be. I hope that one day soon those of us who are HIV-positive will be able to verbalize these thoughts with greater ease, and without so many emotions arising. Let me know what you are thinking. I'm here when you are ready to talk about it.

David Duran is a freelance journalist and writer based in Brooklyn, N.Y. You can follow him on Twitter at @theemuki.

Copyright © 2015 Remedy Health Media, LLC. All rights reserved.

Related Stories's Just Diagnosed Resource Center
Telling Others You're HIV Positive
More Personal Accounts of HIV Disclosure

This article was provided by TheBody.

Reader Comments:

Comment by: shay Jones (Nashville, TN) Mon., Sep. 5, 2016 at 5:41 am UTC
I see folks still are scared to talk about HIV its here, and one day its going to be gone with, then some new virse is going to come, worse then that; but to the gentleman hope is letting his future mate know his positive status i think thats great 👍, because alot of people wont even tell there Status because there either selfish and mad about how they got it, and the person didn't tell them, it just goes on and on; whoever give it to them either probably didn't know they had it. All the more this world is messed up, because of peoples decision they made. But David is being open about it and honesty is the key and he his it. Great Job David, i know only they basics about HIV, but i know how to ask a person who im trying to start a relationship with to take this thing forward we have to get tested so we can know each other Status, I can tell you only 2 guys was willing to get tested and only two wanted to use a condom, so if this is happening More virses are going to be spreaded around, because people don't care and go on trying to feed there flesh and lustful ways. So now i plan on getting married and if that doesn't happen im never having sex again because it goes against God if your not married, and if you want to be with me you have to get tested and we are using condoms till we get married...
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Comment by: Anonymous Fri., Sep. 2, 2016 at 10:08 pm UTC
You are such an amazing man for being open and honest about your status. If she truly lives you, she will stay.
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Comment by: Bryan W (Birmingham) Wed., Aug. 24, 2016 at 10:18 am UTC
Well written and nicely worded. You described the struggles and thinking of an HIV+ man well.

I hope society continues to evolve, and of course, the gay community as well. Language such as bugs, toxic, etc. only set us back and take away from the focus. We all want to be healthy and we all want to be loved.
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Comment by: tina (rochester ny) Fri., Aug. 12, 2016 at 12:26 am UTC
Just no your not alone. I had to couisns. Lost there lives. From. HIV. Also. May god bless you. And keep you safe. Just keep you head up high and live life. Ever day. Take care.
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Comment by: Carla Barrientos (Visalia Ca) Fri., Jun. 24, 2016 at 3:47 am UTC
My heart goes out to you and thank you for being so brave & thought full enough to share some thing so personal and very helpful for us thank you Carla Marie Barrientos Visalia Ca
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Comment by: Jersey girl (New Jersey) Sat., Jun. 18, 2016 at 1:43 pm UTC
God BLESS you and your achievements with the journey that you are on and I didn't no about Prep br this reading of your letter s,d jyst wanted to say thanks for the update and Enjoy your life.
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Comment by: Willy (Albany, NY) Thu., Jun. 9, 2016 at 6:43 pm UTC
Since full disclosure of my status almost 3 years ago, I have been forced to put on my brave face since I am the guy with HIV! I am no longer me to so many friends and acquaintances. Sad, that this is how we are looked at by so my ignorant people. I have been positive since the early 80's, both of my relationships passed on early. Not until the test was available was it confirmed. My intimate life was always safe. But my last long term relationship turned out rather nasty, not sure why, but he disclosed my status! We were HIV discordant. But during that relationship, oh, have been undectable since I went on meds, we practiced unsafe sex and he remains negative to this day. My family and close friends have always been supportative but other than that, the calls have slowed to about "0"! I did not feel it necessary to tell everyone my statue unless we were intimate. Maybe I have not handled disclosure properly but the more negative comments about me only makes me retreat. Advice? Positive please! Don't need anyone tearing me apart! Thx.
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Comment by: Victoria Falco (MD) Thu., Jun. 9, 2016 at 9:57 am UTC
Mr. Duran's on some of this ridiculous. He may not want to disclose how he got HIV to someone but to say that it needs to pass a litmus test of progressing beyond 'just sex'? The cavalier attitude toward sex may be contributing to situations where people contract it in the first place. It is also self-serving to mention that would be sex partners can take a daily pill to keep from getting AIDS. Part of the motivation is that you can argue against needing to use condoms if you take it. His motivation -- surely that figures into it but isn't mentioned. His casual approach to what he has, his preparation of a letter in advance (how many would be partners does he plan to whip it out to?), and his desire to treat his diagnosis as no big deal is troubling. It can still kill you. Maybe he should join a group where the members are all HIV positive and choose his partners from a population he can't infect.
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Comment by: Cassandra Silva (Lowell, Mi) Sun., Jun. 5, 2016 at 3:46 am UTC
Thank you for sharing this article. Education is the key. I believe that.
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Comment by: Shanelle (Miramar, FL) Sat., Jun. 4, 2016 at 6:35 pm UTC
Hello David,
The one major thing wrong I find with this message is that it is not taking into account that if you're not married, it seems risky and unreasonable to have sex anyway. I know the world is in a place where it seems like everyone is having sex with boyfriends and girlfriends, but its not necessary. Often relationships are more stable when not going down that road, and sexually transmitted diseases also spread when people have multiple partners over time (even if it's over a long time). Have you considered not having sex with your partners? And jumping this kind of hurdle when you're married? Consider it. And remember God loves you, Christ loves you, cherish yourself, your body is truly a temple.
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Comment by: Linwood Jones (Washington, DC) Mon., May. 30, 2016 at 5:56 am UTC
PreP is not 100% but it helps to make the virus weaker and less transmittable which is why I decided to get on it because I think the person I love is positive and the only reason he keeps a distance is for my protection which makes me like him more. I can't help but find that admirable but also lonely. I wouldn't know how to tell someone if I had HIV that I truly felt for.
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Comment by: N (Arizona) Sat., May. 28, 2016 at 12:10 pm UTC
Thank you, Sir for your article and bravery.
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Comment by: Dean (New York) Sat., May. 28, 2016 at 8:14 am UTC
Future sex partners? Partners??
Date-fall in love- have a life long committed relationship-one sex partner........
A little self control please
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Comment by: A Friend (Seattle, Wa) Fri., May. 27, 2016 at 11:45 pm UTC
I am in a hetero mixed status relationship (soon to be marriage). I believe I blew my fiance's mind when instead of freaking out about his status, I enrolled in a class offered at school about HIV and AIDS. I became quite aware of what his undetectable status meant. Wducated myself on PrEP and immediately began taking Truvada.
To me HIV stands for His Annoying Virus...that is what it is...a minor annoyance. It is a virus and does not define who he is. Most people now see him as the guy with HIV...I just see him as my guy.
Never ever let something you don't fully understand ruin your chances at being happy. I tell people "you may not understand Algebra but it is part of life if you want to graduate".
I am very touched by your open letter in the sense that it is deeply personal but also caring and compassionate.
Wishing you the best in the future.
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Comment by: David Q (Los angeles) Mon., May. 9, 2016 at 2:16 am UTC
Great letter and I am glad to see you coming out and saying what so.many of us have a difficult time saying.
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Comment by: Mia (Houston, Texas) Mon., Apr. 18, 2016 at 11:45 am UTC
Is this a plug for a drug? I choose to not ever have sex with someone who has HIV.

Full disclosure is the law I do believe.

I'm not going to take a medication simply to have sex with someone who is HIV because I value my own health.

I am not a masochist.
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Comment by: Raul (Long Beach, CA) Thu., Apr. 14, 2016 at 3:25 pm UTC
You sounded sincere up until the point where you said that you might not use condoms.

As a person with HIV you should feel compelled to use every, repeat every, tool at your disposal to ensure that you do not pass this virus on to someone else.

Nothing is 100% effective at stopping the spread of HIV, however, if you have an ounce of sincerity you will ask that a condom be used.
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Comment by: Richard (Lax) Thu., Apr. 14, 2016 at 1:50 pm UTC
I can not express enough how u feel I understand completely it's hard but it's much easier then it was 20-25 years ago .when a good hearted person exposed it .it was considered the date is over or time to go home .it's this stigma that I witness nor the relief when then they where hug and some crying and the date continue with out an issue.I am very proud of you
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Comment by: Kate (San Francisco Bay area) Wed., Apr. 13, 2016 at 4:12 pm UTC
Did I miss something, did David say anywhere that he was gay or that he used drugs in the past?
There are other ways as getting blood that can cause a conversion. Lots of jumping to conclusions here.
Best of luck in finding a forever life partner.
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Comment by: Chrystyn (Alexandria, VA) Mon., Apr. 11, 2016 at 6:46 am UTC
To write this article about yourself is so far beyond bravery...good luck and best wishes to you!
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Comment by: Blessing Benjamin (Nigeria) Sun., Apr. 10, 2016 at 2:44 pm UTC
Pls I want to talk with u personal .I have challenge to share with u
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Comment by: Linda (Knoxville,TN) Thu., Apr. 7, 2016 at 11:35 pm UTC
In 1993 I began a relationship with a young man named Rusty. We work together and I had known him for several years. We dated for a while and eventually he moved in with me. I knew him his family and his friends. I trusted him when he told me he did not do drugs. He lied. About six months later he was diagnosed with full-blown AIDS and he passed away within that year. Only by the grace of God that I did not contract HIV. His ex-wife was also HIV negative. I feel for anyone who has been diagnosed with HIV but is very important to be open and honest regarding this disease.
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Comment by: Michelle (Stockton. Ca) Tue., Apr. 5, 2016 at 6:43 pm UTC
I'm in Love with your Honesty !
For I believe Honesty is always the best Policy ! I pray you find someone that will be good for you.
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Comment by: Jason (Phoenix, AZ) Sun., Mar. 20, 2016 at 6:12 pm UTC
I applaud your candor and strength to share about your status. The person I am in love with is positive and I am not. They have been positive for 3 years now and it hasn't changed my love or the way I see them. Also I should add I am very educated on the disease because I wanted to be protected and supportive of my other half... Education is the key. I believe we are on the cusp for a cure and when that day comes it will be like the second coming of Christ. David thank you for sharing your story. We need more folks to be forthcoming about educating the masses about HIV/AIDS.
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Comment by: Joy (Nigeria NG) Tue., Mar. 15, 2016 at 2:27 pm UTC
I feel a connection to your letter. Thanks David for sharing
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Comment by: innocentia shabane (inanda newtown a) Fri., Mar. 11, 2016 at 9:06 am UTC
ur really inspires i have almost gave up on seeing new life aheard bt after reading ur article i am ready for a happily and long life again

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Comment by: Brandon (Arizona ) Fri., Mar. 11, 2016 at 6:14 am UTC
Nice and also it seems that your looking for some sort of forgiveness with led to guilt witch led to this just Sayen go America
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Comment by: Tammy (Puyallup WA) Thu., Mar. 10, 2016 at 6:28 am UTC
Your kind . I enjoyed reading about you and your life . Your very eloquent . You have me thinking
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Comment by: Aimee (Ohio) Sun., Feb. 21, 2016 at 8:00 am UTC
I am humbled by such powerful words. I would love to hug you- for your honesty, your bravery, your persistence. I hope you find someone as thoughtful and caring as you seem to be.
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Comment by: Silver (Florida) Sun., Feb. 7, 2016 at 7:48 pm UTC
Well said David, will said. I shall think of your unique words the next time I approach a new Bo...
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Comment by: Muke (Texas) Thu., Feb. 4, 2016 at 6:08 pm UTC
Beautiful. Thank you! I have isolated myself from dating for nearly 5 years. I have simply been too afraid of rejection. I am getting ready to meet someone face to face, from a Facebook introduction. We've chatted for over a year, and I keep postponing our meeting... This gives me hope. Thank you!
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Comment by: Jaimie Elliott-Svoronos (Canberra, Australia) Wed., Jan. 6, 2016 at 4:27 pm UTC
Great article, able to connect with all as so true and heart felt. Amazing how no matter how accepting we are about ourselves, it all reverts back to day one when we are faced with disclosing to a potential sexual partner.
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Comment by: Jack (Mass.) Wed., Jan. 6, 2016 at 10:02 am UTC
The sad truth is that you are contagious..... No matter how minute "some" experts say, it is transferable.... No, I am not up to date on the advancement of the medications to date, but, you caught it from someone/somewhere, whether by sex or needle and that is proof enough. I do not mean to be harsh, and if that is how this comes across, I am sorry. I respect that you are "man" enough to put it out there as you have, and I wish you the best.
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Replies to this comment:
Comment by: Angel (Sarasota) Fri., Jan. 8, 2016 at 8:09 am UTC
The transmission rate is very less unlikely when you have an undetectable viral load. Yes , there are resevoirs and we should always be safe first. I do have a partner that is negative and the lines sometimes get unclear. However I have never transmitted to a partner in my stage of this diagnosis.
Comment by: Anonymous Wed., Feb. 17, 2016 at 1:30 am UTC
This is getting ridiculous. For all practical purposes, we are significantly less "contagious" than someone who believes they are negative. It's comments like this that make me angry-not just at the stupidity of the general public, but at HIV writers who've allowed this ignorance to continue.

Comment by: Jeffrey Alan (Louisville, KY) Mon., Jan. 4, 2016 at 11:03 pm UTC
Thank you, David, for sharing this part of yourself and your journey. Your experience will help many people.
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Replies to this comment:
Comment by: Kevin Paul (San Diego CA) Wed., Jan. 6, 2016 at 10:13 pm UTC
How is it that it is only the hiv poz who get thanked for "sharing their journey?"

Comment by: Michael Mancini (Ottawa, Ontario) Mon., Jan. 4, 2016 at 10:56 pm UTC
You are clearly a great guy. Thanks for writing that. I wish you all the best. Xo
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Comment by: james (London) Mon., Jan. 4, 2016 at 7:38 pm UTC
Kevin Paul's loss would be my gain! I know the stats of being exposed to HIV even without PrEP and i've met the most amazing guys who are HIV undetectable. I've also seen the Partner studies and take PrEP - so yes I'd go bare with you.
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Comment by: Kevin Paul (San Diego CA) Wed., Jan. 6, 2016 at 10:08 pm UTC
Jimmy, what makes you think it would be my "loss?" Been there done it and did it again, and again... So all those "amazing guys who are hiv undetectable," because they told you so??? And when you go "bare" with david, is the sex going to be "hotter???"

Comment by: JL (Montreal) Wed., Dec. 30, 2015 at 12:37 am UTC
I agree with Kevin Paul, disclosing is a brave act, only later to be diminished by the lack of talking about condoms. Saying one is undetectable should not be equated to banning rubbers. I am first to admit it feels better without, but we still have to put down conversion stats... As well, It just occured to me that undetectable doesnt seem to take away that rather nagging issue of trying to explain how one acquired hiv.
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Comment by: Kevin Paul (San Diego CA) Thu., Dec. 31, 2015 at 6:54 pm UTC
Thanks JL, I have few fans. The political arm of this community continues to portray gay men as victims. As individuals, young gay men must take control of their own health.
Comment by: Anonymous Sat., Jan. 2, 2016 at 2:49 pm UTC
Why do we have to explain how we got HIV? Why don't you have to explain how you became a sanctimonious jerk who thinks one virus, more than others, is somehow a moral failing?
Comment by: Kevin Paul (San Diego CA) Wed., Jan. 6, 2016 at 8:50 pm UTC
So it is mr 'brave' anonymous to call me a "sanctimonius jerk." Hiv is a virus "more then others," but I have yet to talk anything about a "moral failure." Any "moral failure" would be that of the community itself.

Comment by: Kevin Paul (San Diego CA) Sat., Dec. 26, 2015 at 4:26 pm UTC
David, in response to your disclosure we will not be having sex, but not because I would be in that ignorant category you place all those who would say no. I am fully aware of all the new 'vernacular,' undetectable or not, we be using a rubber. I have had more then 1000 sex partners and remain hiv free because I have always insisted on slapping a god damn rubber on it when pokin' butt. I have always assumed the man was "poz." No David, we will not have sex because I don't care how you feel and I certainly do not need you to tell me about all the medical advancements now available for your chronic infection. Point is dude, I don't like your ego centric, selfish belief that you are doing me some sort of favor with sharing your enlightened point of view and found wisdom. I don't date drama queens, you say it is no "big deal" but you took quite a few words telling me so. (Back in the day, didn't have to talk to him with the baths.)

By the way, are you another guy who finds it "hotter" if he still has sex with you?
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Replies to this comment:
Comment by: Jeffrey Alan (Louisville, KY) Mon., Jan. 4, 2016 at 11:02 pm UTC
"...even those studies that find a possible risk of transmission say that the risk is so small that experts argue it's equivalent to saying it's not possible to transmit. Regardless, the information is out there. And it only applies only if we decide to have sex without a condom."

I saw nothing in David's letter indicating he was not willing to use a condom. In fact, "if WE decide," seems to be indicative of an open discussion. Condoms are a great tool in remaining negative. Congratulations, Kevin, that they've worked for you effectively and consistently. But please don't apply your stigatic views to everything...There are many many people out there having fulfilling and safer sex lives with (and without) condoms...
Comment by: Kevin Paul (San Diego CA) Wed., Jan. 6, 2016 at 8:38 pm UTC
I think jeff meant 'stigmatic' views, but I wish I knew what it means. It be just rhetoric in a bloviated response from dude who gets his scientific facts from social media. Never said dude would not use rubber, the point was, we still not be having sex. Did jeff not read the part where I say I do not date drama queens and if I am in a bath, I prefer he does not speak???

Comment by: T. (Sacramento, CA) Sat., Dec. 26, 2015 at 1:01 am UTC
This is awesome! This is exactly what I wanted to say the last time I disclosed to someone but couldn't verbalize it. I'll be saving this. Thanks for the letter.
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Comment by: David (San Francisco) Tue., Dec. 22, 2015 at 2:56 am UTC
Thank you for sharing this beautiful open letter. It has always been a challenge for me to figure out when the best time to disclose is. What I have learned is the earlier the better if I feel it is a connection that will lead to sex. Also, I want to be comfortable that they are comfortable with this aspect of me before investing deeper feelings and commitment. I think this valuable conversation should continue in our community and my hope is that one day, magnetic couples will be much more commonplace with more knowledge, acceptance and the release of stigmatism around HIV.
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Comment by: Rosemarie Cosentino (Kennewick Washington) Mon., Dec. 21, 2015 at 6:53 pm UTC
Thee Muki is now David Duran on Twitter.
Great article.
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Comment by: Katania (Champaign il) Sat., Dec. 19, 2015 at 4:31 pm UTC
The letter beautiful HIV lives matter
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Comment by: alex (seattle) Wed., Mar. 9, 2016 at 6:06 am UTC
HIV lives matter? Who said they didn't? What a brainless comment. Do you feel "big" riding the victim bandwagon, even though I'm almost positive you aren't HIV positive?

How about an article that isn't about sex and is about how to prevent getting and spreading HIV in the first place? There's a reason gay men are the primary transmitter of HIV... a lot of them don't use protection and don't use it with MULTIPLE partners as in hundreds. I appreciate Kevin Paul's comments on here because he has learned the not very difficult secret of to having many partners while not picking up AIDS on the way.

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