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Brookey's Back and Bitchin'

June 16, 2014

After a sabbatical from the real world I am returning, going to the gym, looking for a job and wrangling my almost-4-year-old Myles while I attempt to find my next new beginning. Sometimes you need to do "something" to help lift the fog, and sometimes it happens on its own.

Myles will be 4 in July, I have been unemployed for a year now. We have had lots of fun together, but he needs to play with kids, he needs friends, and I need some sanity and adult conversations. My husband Keanen has a new job, now it's my turn. I am motivated for change like I have not been in years; I see the future we keep talking and daydreaming about just out of reach. It's time I get off my ass and fight for it.

As time goes by I have random illogical HIV fears; I'm still mentally getting over the loss of my father who died four years ago. While Myles comes down with common childhood illnesses and random rashes I wonder if Bactrim will save me from whatever THIS is.

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Believe it or not I have issues speaking my feelings, to anyone other than Myles. I avoid confrontation as much as possible and with anyone. I feel like a teenager sitting at the dinner table with my parents, shutting up and having an internal monologue. Keanen has been working with me on this the past few months and I can speak again. Shutting yourself off sounds like a great idea sometimes, but turning yourself ON again takes so much more work. I'm not sure the brick wall we work so hard to build is worth it.

I need a new everything, almost. A new job, jean size, couch, baby, house -- I could go on and on. It had to begin inside, the strength to believe the idea, and the motivation to chase after it. With blinders now on my "Life" board seems so black and white. Follow the road. All I had to do was get back on it. I see myself coming back, crawling out of this armor I've been carrying around for so long, and I'm excited!

I think the last time I felt this excited, I was pregnant. I'm going to chase after me until I catch up with her before I lose myself again.

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Brooke Davidoff

Brooke Davidoff

Brooke was diagnosed HIV positive in January 2010 -- two months married and 11 weeks pregnant with her first baby -- and has already begun to educate others about HIV. She lives in Seattle, and her poetry has been featured on TheBody.com. Her son was born on July 15, 2010.


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Working on ME to Make US Stronger
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