Lately I've been in the need of some male attention.
Singlehood and morning wood has never been so depressing (yes dramatic but it woke you up just now). I don't mind handling the situation yet it would be absolutely wonderful right now to have my head placed onto an Adonis' chest with his morning wood laying on my thigh, you know that romantic moment when it isn't planned or arranged.
In my bed completely pissed and horny I remembered the day before when I ran errands. I was at CVS picking up a few items with Momma Lyn, my fierce transsexual mother, friend, upcoming activist and diva. Her voice carried throughout the store without care of who heard or didn't like it, however she isn't obnoxious by a long shot. Lyn carries herself with class and sophistication. Just remember, Detroit isn't the business when it comes to disrespect and her roots are deeply embedded to ensure your understanding by throwing you through the window of a McDonalds at Five Points (and yes that really happened, I was shocked too). On aisle three grabbing for snacks, suddenly a short mocha-skinned young man passes by Momma Lyn exchanging greetings while directed to the restroom and as he's passing me I noticed his initial glance and intrigue. His name was Brian from Houston.
"I'm fine and you?" I responded.
He softly whispers "I'm better now," accompanied by a wink. It felt nice to have it happen so randomly. No chat lines or hookup site, just out in the open and smooth.
While paying for my items, Brian is standing outside with his backpack waiting for me to exit.
"Oh miss thing! You've got *trade waiting for you outside ... patiently." [Trade (noun): a masculine perceived/identified gay male.] WERK! Momma Lyn co-signs with a simple side snap. I kept glancing over to be sure he was really waiting on me and surely he was.
I must admit, I appreciated his approach and candor. A true Southern Gentleman, smooth and well mannered. As were walking and talking I asked his age, didn't expect him to say:
Both Momma Lyn and I were impressed and taken back by his boldness and maturity. Usually I cringe when a "wet-behind-the ears" approaches me since I have a baby face and a baby brother around that age group. It feels weird to date someone younger than me. Lord knows I tried, yet for some reason I just get frustrated easily and then dismiss the idea all together. However I've dated 40-year-old children ... but I digress. Brian was short in height but his body was cut, toned and I was in the zone. He had a certain je ne sais quoi about him which appealed to me and age was nothing but a number. Simply a breath of fresh air and a reminder of decent men still existing. I gave him the digits -- his swag was just too good not to.
After reminiscing and getting myself taken care of, I arose out of bed determined to have some male attention. I was in need to satisfy a hunger. It's been two weeks since I've moved into my new place and the only male company I've entertained is my nephew and he doesn't count. So venturing out, I run into a few horny old men who could have graded my grandfather's papers in school and horny homeless men who are delusional. Not really the attention I was exactly hoping for.
Escaping the grasp of the unwanted, I finally run into a 30-something at Publix who was obviously giving me some eye contact, personally I think he saw the booty before the face but however it works I guess. When he introduced himself and I asked for his number he declined for he was "seeing" someone. What's been up with that lately I've been getting the same line: "I wanna get with you ... but I'm seeing someone." Why bother? Why approach me when you've already been spoken for? Is this a new sport I don't know about? Is this a new ESPN channel I'm unaware of? Do you have to be in a relationship to play? I mean ... its hard enough being single and having to navigate this safari without off-market men giving you unnecessary and purposeless attention. After being over it for five minutes with groceries at hand, I return to my inner city villa feeling more determined to have some form of attention.
So I went where I knew there will be ... online.
When I first began my online escapades years ago -- when BGC (Black Gay Chat) was a brown background instead of blue -- my reason and needs were different and it was all frustration, movie scripts and hunger games. Now it's nothing more than entertainment and a good source of a great laugh. Yet a part of me feels hopefully of actually coming across substance. The standards these profiles set and uphold are bogus, tired, paunchy and just trivial to the entire online experience especially the infamous "NO FATS, NO FEMS" policy. Ugh and Shade!
I had a few prospects but none of them could add up or provide what I was yearning. Besides, the attention span of these men here is highly short, it's like being at Baskin Robins testing all the flavors but not actually buying anything. Buying requires work. Who wants to milk the cow when you can get the milkshake for free? At first I believed it to be just sexual. My loins doing the talking yet re-examining the whole scenario what I was really needing was intimate driven instead.
Just to feel the weight of another man toppling mine was what my body was yearning for with or without penetration involved. I just wanted to hear another heartbeat besides my own echo through my earlobes and into my heart. It's tough when there's not much consistency of having someone around, not necessarily a boyfriend or a fill-her (fill-her or Filler: a temporary, tune up, fixer-upper man), just someone who gets you and your needs with the dramatic motion picture. I have a high sex drive and I've grown to embrace my sexual nature. Yet sex is so limiting and temporary at least when you're unpaired. As much as I enjoy sex and, yes, I do enjoy a great session, I also have a need for my vulnerable side to be acknowledged and respected. Sometimes I just want to talk about the issues I'm facing as someone who everyone expects to always be the glue of their lives. It can be saddening to have so much to share and no one to share it with. I'm Wonder Woman but even she had Super Friends ... I'm just saying ... can't do it all by myself all the time. It would be nice to not having to always be my Knight in Shining Amor.
*YOU'VE GOT A MESSAGE* flashes across Madison (my iPad). With anticipation, I open the message from my new prospect ... ugh another dud! A part of me is feeling over it and another part of me is highly frustrated thanks to my hormones raging. Dud after dud after dud I finally threw in the towel. I wasn't getting the results I'd hoped but in the process of logging off, I get a text message which changed my entire mood.
Wreck-It-Ralph, a gentleman who I've been in contact with for a few weeks now messaged me. (I promise to explain who he is but not in this post ... don't worry it'll all make sense) Our conversations have been light starting off, however, he's made it clear of his attraction and I melt every time we speak. Our small conversations are progressing into lengthy dialect.
He asked me the usual questions and now I was as giddy as a school girl seeing her crush walk by. My whole world transformed and my need for attention was satisfied.
For years, I've had sex with men believing they will stay or at least consider staying but like anything else they can go somewhere else to get what they're looking for. In some instances, I found myself depriving me of the very thing that feels natural.
I guess it's because of my inner battle between who I am now and not reverting back to the longing, in search, running behind men old me. The day had matured into nightlife and stars were visible as the April wind embraced the air. Suddenly Jack'd and A4A didn't highlight my night for I was now tucking myself into bed having talked to a man who I wouldn't think in a billion years would talk to me let alone pay me any attention.
Overall, the whole point of all of this push-and-pull is to encounter someone consistently willing to provide something simple as a touch or a whisper. It's about connecting on a much grander scale not hiding behind anonymous faces, profiles, other people's pictures posing as your own and sexing everything or everyone who can be used as a coping mechanism. Simply put. Intimacy was what I wanted and needed. It's the intimacy that makes all of the constant hiking and maneuvering around the bullshit and landmines worth enduring.
Now, this is where the lesson "All male attention isn't good attention" is learned ...
Mikey Mike, in case you don't know who he is click here to watch my vblog for WITH LOVE ATL to catch up on the drama and if you wanna see my beautiful face. Anyway, he's been texting me trying to come see me and here I am allowing this reject to audition once again for a leading role in my movie. Along with a few others who have crashed, burned and failed miserably but this one in particular really sent me through. Grab the popcorn, chicken noodle soup with soda on the side or whatever you need to get through this next post because girl ... .he tried it! Ugh and Shade!
Stay Tuned ... next blog entry "Worry Wart."