March 18, 2014
I'm always amazed at how women respond to my blog posts both good and bad. I used to internalize this stuff until I realized that the response really isn't so much about me, but about them. I find this to be true no matter the comment, good or bad.
Sometimes though, people think they are being super smart and the motives are really not nice. So I started treating comments on my blog, like I do at my speaking engagements when somebody comes for me.
First, I step back and ask ,why are they coming for me? Typically I'm able to hit it on the nail, and then I try to use it as a teaching moment. So last week when I was knee deep in my hot flash drama, Lynette who I don't know, made this comment on my blog post, Live by the Golden Rule! Treat People the Way You Want to be Treated! You can read it here. This is her comment, "Your entire life and the problems within are the direct result of dealing with men. Aren't you tired boo?"
My first impulse was, woman why are you coming for me? But after that hot flash passed, I said, You know Lynette is so correct. My life has been impacted by men both good and bad. For sure men have caused me pain. I was molested as a young girl by the men (yes plural) who were supposed to protect me. That then lead me on a path of early sexual activity in my preteens, which lead me on a path of in and out of relationships and POW HIV by age 20. These things are undisputed facts about my life and it is no secret. I have blogged about my it, talked about it in news interviews and spoken about it.
With this truth in tote, I wondered what was Lynette's real point and what she wanted me to do.
1) Was she just really coming for me or was it my imagination 2) Does she want me to become a lesbian 3) Does she want me just give up dating altogether or 4) Does she want me to try and get it right. Which of course is what I'm trying to do, that was the point of the blog post.
Furthermore, anyone that have been a avid reader of my blogs or have read my book, knows that I've done worked on myself to the 10th power. So then that lead me to be even more confused about Lynette's comment. Cause yeah Boo I'm tired and yes Boo I've done something about it! Took me years to get here but I done arrived
Now I'm never going to give up men cause frankly, I think life should be spent in companionship. And good lawd, there's nothing like being in a mans arms. But just because I'm trying to get it right, don't mean it's gonna be right. It does mean however, that I love me enough to say to a man you cannot treat me in this manner. It also means that if we can't see eye to eye, then I love me enough to keep it moving, no matter how much I want him in my life.
The fact of the matter, men will treat you based on what they think is right and how they have treated women in the past. Another woman may accept what you want.
Their right may not be right for you and you gotta have enough balls to say this don't feel good. And hope he wants to be with you enough to admit the wrong and make it better.
Oprah in her, What I know for Sure April Issue said that she had a disagreement with Stedman that really hurt her years ago. His response was "I'm sorry. This isn't the man I want to be. I can do better." That was so profound. Oprah said, "Whoa, that registered big-time on my respect meter" POW!
Why can't men say that I hurt you. I'm sorry, let me work on making it right, rather then shutting down on you, running because they were confronted with a wrong and making you less than what you really are because that don't want to deal with the truth, or their emotions, which only pours more salt into the wound.
I liked Yansa's comment, for sure she is a avid reader of my blog and her comment made a light bulb ding in my head. It was the best self love advice anyone could have given me and it brought me back to my senses unlike Lynette's comments that made me want to say Boo why you read my blog?
Now I'm not irrational when it comes to meeting a man somewhere in between. I know for sure that no single man and woman will ever see eye to eye on a topic. We are the coming together as two. No man or woman should want a pasty. But rather, someone who respects and values you for who you are. Respect is key for me. But what I will not do is allow a man to be half/in half/out but still get what they need from me emotionally and leave me empty. I love myself to much for that. We should both benefit from a relationship, thats what makes it a healthy relationship. There should be mutual caring alone with mutual respect. While mutual caring will grow over time, mutual respect is some basic shit that we should give to everyone.
So you are right Lynette Boo, I am tired and I will not accept less than what I deserve. Will I ever give up on men? Nawwww. I want companionship, but I also want a man who understands my value and treats me there within, with mutual respect, consistency, stability and loyalty.
Most importantly, I'm never going to give up on this life and all that comes with it. I have no idea what God has for me so I dare not stop. I plan to go and see what the end is going to be.
Shoot just a month ago I drank cognac for the first time in my life. That was an experience that I would have never had, if I had given up on men and not met Mr. Handsome. I had cognac with him not out of pressure, but because I felt safe with him. I was actually having tea and reached over a took a sip and then another. It was an awesome intimate moment we were having on that day. Stopping means that you are giving up on life's next experiences and there is so much to be explored
And on a side note, No matter how many times a person comes for me. I'm never going to stop sharing my journey because I never know who just might get a breakthrough from of my willingness to be vulnerable.
Read Rae's blog Rae Lewis-Thornton Speaks.