When Everything Seems to Be Failing
October 29, 2013
What I am about to write might seem like a woe-is-me, feel-sorry-for-me story but I have to let it out. I am at a point in my life where I feel like a total and complete failure. Check it out -- for the past three years I have been doing what is absolutely necessary for my family and me to barely survive. I sold my car to a friend. Devin and I let go of our cell phone people and both purchased pre-paid phones. We let go of the cable. We downsized our place of residence to a small one-room bedroom. And STILL this seems to be not enough.
You know it's frustrating enough for both of us to be living our lives the best we can as two gay married men with HIV. At my current position I feel that my hands are tied and I'm forced to not be who I am openly. It is so humiliating to be forced back into the very closet whose door I banged down while in the U.S. Army to free myself of all of the bullcrap. THAT and the fact that I have to hide my HIV status from the same group of people.
It's a fact of life for everyone occupying this chunk of the Earth. LIFE HAPPENS. Having and living with HIV is simplistic and warming compared to all of the other crap that seems to be surrounding our lives. It just feels very hard and confusing for me to accept and tolerate what is going on in my life.
I do not believe and CANNOT believe what's happening in my life. You know, when I got diagnosed with HIV I felt that this would be the ultimate challenge in my life. I was there man, facing the main DEMON that was either going to destroy me or combat me -- and I prevailed. Little did I realize or allow to seep in the other things in life that might and DID occur.
I now have a family of four. Three Doxies that I and Dev love unconditionally as our three little sons. And of course there is Devin too to look after. And I am EXTREMELY proud and grateful and happy for them all. I love Charlie, Jeter, Hunter and Devin with the full onset of my heart. It's all of the other nonsense and difficult situations that are forced in front of me that I find difficult to deal with. Like I was mentioning before, I thought that my being HIV positive would be the ultimate challenge. What life does is sometimes complicated and silly huh?
So, now that I am in this place, what do or SHOULD I do? CARRY ON. I am going to apply everything in my life with the same concentration and focus that I do with having and living with my HIV. So life seems difficult and hard. So we have very little money. So we can't do some of the things other families get to do on a regular weekend. SO WHAT. What matters is that WE HAVE EACH OTHER. We have our health. We have our love. And we continue to have our hopes and faith. And, I guess, that can be said about you all that might be feeling alone and empty and left out in the dark.
The truth is, YOU ARE NOT IN THE DARK. Find those friends. Find those people that care and love you. And engage and embrace them. WHO CARES IF YOU HAVE NO MONEY AND NO HOME AND HARDLY ANY FOOD. Take to heart whomever you love and go to them. Pray to your Higher Power. Love your family. And most important: KEEP LOVING LIFE AND YOURSELF. NEVER give in and NEVER QUIT. And, in the end regardless of the outcome, you come out as a hero. Be a hero to and for yourself.
If any of you have any positive suggestions or stories or issues to share PLEASE share them HERE or to my e-mail. LIVE BOLDY my brothers and sisters and keep on keeping on.
Read Enrique's blog A Brighter Vision.
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