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Ode to Porn Titties

July 30, 2013

My porn titties before the Mediport!

My porn titties before the Mediport!

After the first Mediport

After the first Mediport

My chest now!

My chest now!

I always thought that I had porn titties. Not the kind that are super big, but the ones that are round and shapely and lay just that certain way; easy on the eyes so to speak. Even as I've aged, my breasts have been the one body part I prized the most. Well, I do have pretty legs and feet, but my breasts at -- 38D -- whether covered or uncovered, made a point. Then this past December, I had a Mediport placed in my chest, right above my porn titties!

Somewhere, the medical procedure went astray and before I left the hospital it became infected. Three days later when my home healthcare nurse took the bandage off, I was red, raw and scarred. Click here to read about my Mediport drama. You can also search Mediport on my blog for that saga.

The Mediport drama wouldn't go away to save my life. They took that port out three weeks later, then put another one in another three weeks later. Needless to say, I've been cut three times over my pretty porn titties, disrupting the flow of things. Like my chest was the introduction to my beautiful porn titties; like for real, for real. Shoot, at 51 with AIDS a woman feels like she has got to have some physical attributes. And don't you dare tell me that I'm smart and pretty. My scarred-up chest was not something that I signed up for and it has been an emotional adjustment.

Now, I know this may seem like a small thing to some of you, it may even seem shallow, but I know that every woman thinks there is at least one part of her body that is the best part, so stop judging. This is some real talk; when your body is altered because of your health, it leaves you feeling helpless and for some even hopeless.

Now, in honesty, in the fullness of living with AIDS, I know that my porn titties disruption is a small thing. But for real, it has caused me some embarrassment of sorts. I took this picture on the right last week and all I could think about was the ugly scars on my chest. But then I started to think about my girlfriend Alicia who has porn tits for real for real. I mean for real! I mean, big and shapely and easy on the eyes for real for real. I mean, my 38D cannot compare to her ummm 44D no matter how hard I wished. When I thought about her beautiful breasts I felt shame for how I felt about my scars.

In the last two months, I've watched her mourn the loss of her breast on Instagram. Each time she posted a picture, something inside of me hurt because she hurt. Each picture was like a celebration of what would be no more. Ode to real porn titties, I thought one night.

Alicia is a breast cancer survivor now two times. In 2009, I watched her through surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. She never missed a beat, for real y'all. She never even left home without earrings or lipstick. She is my kind of Diva. Then a couple of months ago, she was diagnosed yet again. This time, they had to remove that same breast that they had cut tumors from almost four years earlier

They took her breast last week, and I've watched her new pictures on Instagram. With one breast removed she's still wearing lipstick and earrings with a smile that says, "I will not let you take my dignity, cancer!" Follow Her on IG @Kushluvshouse13.

While I'm over here complaining about my scarred-up chest, I need to slap myself. I can't imagine the loss that she must be feeling. I wish I could change her destiny, but it is what it is.

Because of Alicia, I've been thinking a lot about breast cancer lately. How black women are often diagnosed late and that our survival rate is less than that of white women. Go to the Black Women's Health Imperative for more information.

Alicia before her surgery

Alicia before her surgery

Alicia  after her surgery

Alicia after her surgery

Alicia  after her surgery

Alicia after her surgery

I wonder why, like really, why is the survival rate for black women with breast cancer worse than any other race?

Some of it must be poverty, lack of access to health care and mammograms, but how much can we blame on health disparities? There are places that give free mammograms in every state. So then, is it lack of information? Or, at our base line, do Black Women think this is not our issue? Are there some cultural issues around modesty, especially for older black women? Is there an issue with the thought of someone you don't know looking and touching your breasts, even in a medical setting?

Let me go a little deeper. These questions must be asked because a breast exam is free. Like I don't see the problem. We can give our own selves a breast exam in the privacy of our home.

I remember after Mrs. Jacqueline Jackson, the wife of Rev. Jesse L. Jackson, Sr., lost her sister to breast cancer, she kept a fake breast on the table. Every woman that entered her home, she made them touch it. People had thought she had gone mad. But I got it! She had lost her sister and only if the cancer had been caught early, her sister would've been sitting around that table with her.

OK, so we won't touch our own breast in the privacy of our home, but we will let a man suck, bite, squeeze, gnaw, grab and some even let men cum on our breasts. I don't get it, but yet in the privacy of our home, we still can't touch our own breasts.

Some of you will even have contempt for the pictures in this blog. I don't get it. We are so fucking self-righteous that we can't even take care of ourselves.

Maybe you think you are too young to get breast cancer. Well, I've known women in in their 30s. Furthermore, you need to start giving yourself breast exams early so you can learn the shape of your breast, so if there is a shift, you will recognize it.

Breast cancer is a woman's issue and we need to be addressing it in our organizations, in our homes and among our girlfriends. How old is your mother? Have you asked her when she had her last mammogram?

There is something for all of us to do. It's not enough to Pin A Sister with a pink ribbon. We need to touch our breast, and we need to make sure that the women in our lives are touching their breasts. You can click here to watch a video on how to do a self-breast exam. Click here for help locating a place for free mammograms. Chicago has a great program for free mammograms, click here for details.

Change starts with you. Unfortunately for Alicia, even though the cancer was discovered early, it came back, which is sometimes the case. Now, as I complain about the scars on my chest, I watch her deal with the lost of a breast. She will have reconstructive surgery in a few months, until then I watch and I pray. On social media, she tells her story, she challenges the stigma and shame around the lost of a breast, of course wearing lipstick, earrings and RLT Collection bracelets, but only God knows her real pain.

Send Rae an e-mail.

Read Rae's blog, Rae Lewis-Thornton Speaks.

Get e-mail notifications every time Rae's blog is updated.



This article was provided by TheBody.com.
 
See Also
More Personal Accounts of Women With HIV/AIDS

 

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