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A Poem by Brooke Davidoff

May 6, 2013

Brooke is one of TheBody.com's bloggers. Check out her blog, Voice of ONE, where she writes about her diagnosis, marriage, pregnancy, parenthood and life with HIV.

Lifeguard

I can say it doesn't affect me
but deep down I know the truth.
I take pills, go to work,
come home and I am a normal mommy.
I eat, drink, sleep and go about my normal life.

But once I stop moving and think,
it's all I think about.
Will I live long enough to watch my son grow up?
Do I have time to have a second?
I lost my dad when I was 30
and I feel robbed.
He was 60.

How long will I last with this disease?
How will it affect my son
when he's old enough to know what mommy's vitamins are?

I can't drink alcohol anymore.
My meds don't like them.
Even if I manage to get drunk,
I'm crying the rest of the night.

My mortality kicks my mind's ass.
How can I leave my son?
I'm not ready to die.
Goddamn my ex-boyfriend
for giving this to his two exes
who hold each other's hands through nights like this.

She is my salvation,
my comfort,
my strength,
my support,
my voice of reason.
She calms me down,
let's me know we're going to be okay.

This woman who ruined my life, years back,
taking the boy I loved,
just like I did to his woman before me.

We go to work.
We have new relationships.
We have families and from looking at us,
you would never know these thoughts burn deep inside.
I would never let you know.

I look at my son
Myles -- the reason I know I have it.
He's my lifesaver
and for now she's my lifeguard.

Would I go back,
erase him
to have me not have this?
I don't think so.
It's made me who I was supposed to become.



  
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This article was provided by 2013 Poetry Month at TheBody.com.
 
See Also
2013 Poetry Month at TheBody.com: HIV/AIDS-Related Poems From Our Readers
A Message From Your Poetry Editor
2012 Poetry Month at TheBody.com
2011 Poetry Month at TheBody.com
2010 Poetry Month at TheBody.com
More HIV/AIDS-Related Poetry

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