May 3, 2013
It's been a little while since I've been writing. The reasons are very important and needed to sustain good health in mind, body and spirit.
I have been working at not drinking any alcohol whatsoever; I know most would say it's something I should have quit long ago. If you knew me well enough you would understand it's an outlet for me. In the sense I see different people and I actually enjoy getting out and having a good laugh and the company of people I have known for years. I have tried before, and failed. But, I'm actually finding myself fighting an even more stressful fight and that's to remain with my wife and children.
I have been in and out of the family home multiple times. Some I felt would be the end and resigned myself to believing it was over, and went on a hell bender in both my mind and actions. I was on a drinking binge. And not going in the right direction in life. I was more destructive than productive. I did fall a couple times with drinking, and I had to choose my family or drinking. The right choice was a no brainer. I sincerely love my children and wife through thick and thin, and lately it's been mostly thin.
I was considering just giving in and getting a divorce. Which after many days and sleepless nights decided not to do it, although I gave my wife the option of one if that's what she wanted. We have been at odds more than not, and I figured she wanted one. She said no, which i can't understand. she says really hurtful things and thinks it doesn't bother me; I'm actually good at hiding my thoughts and feelings. but, lately I cant and it affects everyone in our home.
I went to a dependency place for alcohol, and the way I see it was I didn't need help from that kind of place and would do it on my own as I have in other areas in my life. I have been doing better at avoiding alcohol, but the pressure at home is still high.
I went to the store one night just a few weeks ago, for stuff to make milkshakes with my kids and watch a movie, to kind of help bring us a bit closer to one another. when I was leaving, the throttle on my '09 mustang was stuck due to the floor mat and I crashed it into a boulder and tree. Certain I wasn't wrong I thought everything would be fine. Nope; my wife felt I was driving like a madman, which I wasn't. Through it all, it cost $8,000 to fix the car, which i still haven't driven yet. Heck, I don't even have keys to both the car or house due to her not believing in me. Which is where a lot of issues come into play.
It's crazy, but, I don't have my name on anything we own, due to the lesson I learned from my parents dying and the state putting a lien on everything they owned. So knowing this I felt I wouldn't be putting my family into the same position, and now whenever she gets mad all I hear is mine mine mine, never ours. I know it was my choice to do this, but, for the life of me I can't understand why she believes this is all her making. So I'm left to feel on the outside looking in, and I have to leave because when she's mad the police show up and tell me cause I'm not on ownership I have to go.
I know something has to give, she has held out the olive branch, and now we're going to go to Florida with our youngest son. I really hope this time on the road will help bring us back to knowing our commitment we made 19 years ago. I really feel we need to laugh and joke around and enjoy one another's company again. And this I'm hoping is the springboard to do just that.
My issue is difficult to understand for me, due to being on an up and down roller coaster and trying to keep us all together, but I'm going to keep on doing whatever it takes. I have lost friends since HIV; I will be damned to lose my family to it too. Even when the words that I hear from her are very demeaning and hurtful I will find a way to deflect the intent of her trying to hurt my feelings; I will use it to fuel my desire to continue to do what I need to so my family will survive this turmoil. And I believe I can do it, I don't think she would want me on a vacation if something wasn't there in her heart which has been cold to me lately.
I will not go easily, I will survive all of this and it will make me better and stronger for it. This has pushed me more than I have even been pushed, and I'm still alive2. I will not give up. But I can change my mind to help get through this part in my life, because I have more living to do, and more love to give, and many more hopes to share with everyone who needs it. After all people here have been giving me hope to carry on for years, for which I'm thankful. They know who they are, and I'm glad I've met you all.
Here is to a better future, and happier times; and I won't be away so long again.