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HIV/AIDS Blog Central

Anniversaries and a Cure

By Devarah "Dee" Borrego

March 5, 2013

This article was cross-posted from "A Girl Like Me," a program of The Well Project.

Devarah 'Dee' Borrego.

Today was my eighth anniversary with HIV. I was diagnosed in a small town doctor's office, all alone and terrified, eight years ago today.

It was the first time that I don't remember crying when the day started or when it ended. It's been a long eight years -- filled with life changes that I never could have foreseen at 21. I've had to learn how to fight for myself and my rights, to stand up nationally and internationally, to proclaim who I am proudly and demand the equality that is all of our birthrights.

When this journey started for me in 2005, I was lost, scared, and filled with the unerring conviction that I would be dead within three years. I never imagined that I'd see 2008, let alone 2013. I was so misinformed about what it meant to be HIV+ in the new millennium -- it remains a sad statement on the effectiveness of our outreach to young people that so many of us are uneducated about the virus. I didn't know anything about the medicines available, nor did I understand how being poz would change my life's course.

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But it seems that time and life are the great equalizers and I find myself on the cusp of 30, and nearing a whole decade of living with this virus, and I'm feeling remarkably okay with it. I'm still nowhere near where I want to be in my life -- everyday is still a struggle to deal with the overwhelming magnitude of the issues that plague my mind.

As a transwoman, there are so many situations that make me anxious, and sometimes knowing that I will have to deal with the reality of my serostatus is crushing. People are downright cruel when they think you're less than they are -- and as a positive woman that is what society tells us we are. And as a transwoman, the message is compounded even further to make us confused about having any self-worth at all.

When I woke up that morning eight years ago, I didn't have any self-worth. I believed the lie that I had been fed everyday with my cereal and mindless television ads that said I was had no inherent value. I didn't think that I was worth using a condom because if he said he loved me, then wasn't that proof enough of his intentions? Weren't his sincerely spoken, soft words in the middle of the night argument enough to let my guard down?

And they were, then. But they're not anymore.

I went to bed last night knowing the only cure we have is expensive, painful, and extremely experimental. And I know that it's not something that I will ever realistically have access to for many years, if ever. But as I woke up to start my most hated day of the year, my Facebook feed was filled with hope of a cure.

The story of the young girl from Mississippi, that hotbed of Southern values both good and bad, whose fate may change the fate of the world, was finally being told. The first thing I felt was an overwhelming joy that there are so many young people who may now be spared the lifelong commitment to medicines; that their mothers and fathers will be able to raise them to protect themselves from this virus, and in turn, to protect their own children from it someday.

I hope that this young woman's life is marked with joys and happiness; that her successes become a symbol and reflection of what this epidemic can look like for the millions of us living with the virus around the world. Yet I know the truth is her life will have struggles just like the rest of us, and the attention thrust upon her and her family at such a young age will be a tremendous burden to bear.

I used to not have any hope that a cure would be found for this virus, and especially when my HIV anniversary rolls around I begin to doubt that any progress is being made and think that nothing is changing. But now I have hope that a cure will be found for me too … someday. But this amazing story has me enthralled with possibility -- the possibility of a future without HIV.

And while today will always mark an extremely difficult day in my life, maybe next year my anniversary with HIV won't be something I'm sad and anxious about -- maybe it'll be an event I celebrate as the day the first cure for the next generation was found. No matter what happens, I'll be following this story closely. I'm sure the rest of the world will be too.

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See Also
Eliminating HIV/AIDS: How We'll Get to Zero
Can HIV Infection Be Cured?
More Research on a Cure for HIV/AIDS

Reader Comments:

Comment by: Susan (Arizona) Thu., Mar. 21, 2013 at 3:58 am EDT
Dee, coming from someone who has been affected with HIV/AIDS and know that I do live with it every day I just live with it differently than you and my husband do, I just want to tell you that my husband is at 17 years and going strong so there is hope alot of hope and perseverence is what will keep you going. There will be ups and downs but just hang in there. They told him 5 years ago to start taking aspirin not to worry about his AIDS causing his demise but rather a heart attack and last year he had 3 and survived and is still going so strong. He has been on the same regimin for 15 years and is very lucky as we went through the gabit of meds in the first 2 years, but I just want to you to know you have support out there.
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Comment by: Graig (Columbus , Ohio) Thu., Mar. 14, 2013 at 6:39 pm EDT
I commend you or your journy. I only wish you did the same. As I read the article It made me sad to hear how you have allowed all that has tried to defeat you, control you. To be strong enough to be and talk about your transgender issues, yet carry the scars of defeat. Now HIV infected , you appear to do the same. I have been living with HIV for 26 years, I am 52 years old. I am a strong gay male, pushed to the back of the social acceptance scale. YET, I refuse to be discounted or forgotten. My scars are my strengths my loss becomes my gains. Life is living without being the victim. We have endured hate and discrimmination, oppression and stigma. Own them each and everyone, then let them go and stand strong in your skin, and create a world you want, based on what you want. Stop letting others have the power, it is yours take it and own it.
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Devarah "Dee" Borrego

Devarah "Dee" Borrego

Ms. Borrego is an HIV+ transwoman originally from Denver, Colo., who grew up mostly in suburban Connecticut. She acquired HIV at age 20, the same year as she began her transition. She has been living in the Boston area since 2004, where she has worked with and at a number of different community organizations, including JRI Health, TransCEND, the Boston Living Center and Cambridge Cares About AIDS. She was also a founding member of the Positive Women's Network -- United States of America (PWN-USA), an organization led by and for HIV+ American women to address the way HIV disproportionately affects women in the U.S. She currently is a steering committee member for the PWN-USA, as well as the HIV Prevention Justice Alliance (HIV PJA).

Read more blogs by women living with HIV/AIDS at "A Girl Like Me"

A Girl Like Me

The Well Project shares its content with TheBody.com to ensure all people have access to the highest quality treatment information available. The Well Project receives no advertising revenue from TheBody.com or the advertisers on this site. No advertiser on this site has any editorial input into The Well Project's content.


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Interviews With Dee:

Transwomen and HIV With Dee Borrego

This Positive Life: An Interview With Dee Borrego


Conversations Featuring Dee:

Breaking Down Barriers to Transgender Health and HIV Care

Through the Lens of Community: Trans Inclusion in Women's and LGBT Organizations


Articles by Dee:

How to Survive a Plague Screening and Discussion

Criminal Musings at AIDS 2012

The Global Village Effect

Sexual Rights of HIV-Positive Transwomen

Misunderstood Communities: Building Bridges Between "Them" and "Us"

A Reflection on USCA's Coverage of and Dialogue on Transgender Issues


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The opinions expressed by TheBody.com's bloggers are entirely their own, and do not necessarily reflect the views of TheBody.com itself.

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