Monday Reflection: The Pesky Details ...
By Rae Lewis-Thornton
August 27, 2012
This piece originally appeared in Rae's blog, Diva Living With AIDS.
Lawwwwddd Lawd there's nothing like the newness of a relationship. When the flirting is exciting as shit and he makes every bit of you smile and I mean every bit.
It's an exciting thing when you can let your guards down with a man and can go from God to Sex in a conversation and not miss a beat. It's a good thing when you are mature enough to share your past and the hopes for your future without judgments.
But many people don't let their guards down and share the most important parts of their life or their desires, for fear of rejection. Lawdddd Lawd, who wants to jack up the flow of the newness with the pesky details of condoms, one's last HIV test and their STD history. Like, I bet you know what his favorite position is when he's doing that thang, but do you know how he feels about condoms?
I get asked all the time, how do I tell men that I have AIDS? And quite honestly, most men that approach me already know my status. I mean, I have been on the cover of five magazines and have an Emmy Award for news reports that I did on my life. I have done everyone's TV and radio show that's important to name; so my having AIDS is not hard to miss; but the fact that I have herpes sometimes gets lost in all the other information that's out there about me.
So I know what it's like to interrupt the flow of newness with the pesky details that no one wants to talk about. Those details that might cause judgments that leads to rejection. That's a hard one, for real... for real. But I think the lack of pesky details can in the end be far more costly if you don't fill in the blanks up front.
And I know it's hard. I promise I do. Take this exciting ass man I'm talking to right now. It's really really really new and lawdd he makes my body smile and he ain't even touched me yet.
He already knew that I have AIDS and knows a lot about HIV so we only needed to talk about a few minor details, which really made me happy. He is so cool about my HIV Status and shit he just wanted to know if I knew how to put a condom on with my mouth... LMAOOOO, no but you bet I will learn.
So the flow was great...All day! Then it hit me, the pesky details. I know he reads my blog so my first assumption was that maybe he had read "it" already. The pesky details of my having herpes. But honestly, living in the grey areas of an assumption is being dishonest and it's not honorable.
So with baited breath, I told him that I had herpes. I took a deep breath in and waited to exhale.YESSSS I was nervous, because I like this man. SMDH that I like him a lot. And honestly my ex was nervous more about the herpes than the HIV, go figure. But those who have been following my herpes drama on the blog, know that those IV treatments I have to treat my strain of herpes is a motha... For real...
So I waited for his response. I didn't filll that moment of silence with chatter. I waited... Waited for him to tell me what was acceptable for him with the understanding that each of us have to make the best decisions for their life and body. At the end of the day, I have to be a woman and accept it.
And honestly if they don't want that one thing to be a part of their life, then you need to move on to someone who wants you in your fullness, your flaws and your greatness.
I waited... but not long, being the man that he is, he didn't miss a beat. He likes me, my flaws and all. *giggles* So, now we are onto getting to know each other better and see where it will all lead. One day at a time.
I was thinking about this today because a lot of you are getting ready to start the school year. You will meet men that excite the fuck out of you.
But then there are the pesky details. The pesky details must not get lost in the excitement. In the 21st century you need more information than his favorite color or what position he likes to fuck. And while the Auntie in me would prefer that you focus on the books and not that man, I understand that is not always reality.
So with that understanding, I want you to deal with the pesky details because that's when you live your best life. That's when you put you first and self-love first becomes a way of life. The pesky details is you at your best! My bottom line, if a man dosent bring out the best in you, then he dosent deserve you.
You can lose your dignity and self-worth in a relationship that does not allow your value to shine bright. And equally worst, you may be left fighting for your life, for the rest of your life... And there is no man worth your life.
I don't give a fuck how wet you are between your legs or how he makes you feel, if you have not had the honest conversations then you are living in half-truths and your relationship is a lie.
I know in my own life, I don't have time for bullshit. I'm way too old for that.; if he does not add value to my life then I will keep it moving in a heartbeat. If the pesky details can't be an honest part of the discussion then the rest is futile.
I want you to live your best life and any man that you meet, should want you to do so too. No matter how he makes you feel, I promise you that the best feelings are in the pesky details.
Good Luck this Semester! Study hard in those books and not on the dick *Auntie voice*
Post Script: This is the first in my Back To School Series...
Rae Lewis-Thornton Speaks
Rae Lewis-Thornton is an Emmy Award-winning AIDS activist who rose to national acclaim when she told her story of living with AIDS in a cover story for Essence Magazine. She has lived with HIV for 27 years and AIDS for 19. Rae travels the country speaking and challenging stereotypes and myths about HIV/AIDS. She has a Master of Divinity degree and is currently working on her Ph.D. in Church History. Rae has been featured on Nightline, Dateline NBC, BET and The Oprah Winfrey Show, as well as in countless magazines and newspapers, including Emerge, Glamour, O, the Oprah Winfrey Magazine, Jet, Ebony, the Washington Post and the Chicago Tribune, to name a few. She earned the coveted Emmy Award for a first-person series on living With AIDS for Chicago's CBS News.
Rae is an active user of social media -- read "Long-Term HIV Survivor Discovers the Power of Twitter," an article on TheBody.com about Rae's social media activities.
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