May 2, 2012
(But even sometimes my spirit has a limit!!)
Sometimes I feel like I can't continue. I feel that the energy gets low. This is normal to me ... it has always been like this. Ever since I was a teen I had this fear that I had to live every moment to the extreme. This is a good thing, but it can be a bad thing also for people living with HIV or any disease -- and even for someone who is healthy.
I think what happens to me is that I live on a constant roller coaster. Ever since I changed my eating habits and practice forgiveness -- trying to be in the light and send light to others that may not have love for me -- it's getting better. But as many of us know, we have good days and not so good days ... and sometimes I suffer from fatigue and I HATE HATE HATE to feel fatigued!!! Just being there doing nothing ... I know I am a very hyperactive person and I am a high energy person. Even if I am laying down trying to relax or even meditating, my mind always tries to roam somewhere on the things I have to do. So basically when my body shuts down, I push it with my spirit! I refuse to let my body control my spirit, but I am learning that I have to balance everything and not go from one extreme to another!
It's OK if we don't get to do everything we planned to do today ... there is always tomorrow.
It's OK to just be lazy and not do anything. It's OK to say NO to others when you don't have anything to even give yourself! Because in the end, if you get sick or overwhelmed, you won't be able to give ANYTHING to anyone ... including yourself.
I am learning to try and not stress on the future ... the what ifs ... the future is not promised! Our past is gone, so I want to live for today! But here is where it gets tricky for me: LIVE TODAY TO THE FULLEST, BUT NOT WITH THE ANXIETY THAT THERE WON'T BE A TOMORROW. So yes, my spirit is strong as hell! Yes, I am a strong woman! But even the strong fall.
I don't want to fall. I want to continue on living healthy and having that perfect balance. So even though many years have passed living with this virus, I am still in cycles with it ... or maybe I am just getting older and wiser ... I don't know.
I just know that every time I get up and feel 100% healthy, I try to do it all ... live it all, but then the time comes when my body says: Maria, slow down or I will make you slow down! So what does my stubborn self do? Push myself to the limit. That is why I know that my spirit is stronger than my body and mind!
I believe that is why when I am emotionally sad or I feel my spirit weak is when I have felt the sickest and this is like a vicious cycle. I hate to feel sick, but I make myself sick taking my body to the limit. So then I find myself laying in bed, not feeling well..thinking too much! And BAM! My spirit stumbles. So I can't do this to myself anymore!!!
I need to step back and relax and breathe ... really enjoy life and the days I am feeling 100%. Sometimes I also think that I do this to myself because I feel that I want to take advantage of feeling strong. I don't know.
I also have to accept that I am HUMAN ... and that we don't feel 100% all the time! HIV negative people get sick also. They get low on energy also! I have to stop being so hard on myself and my body ... even if my spirit always pulls me through.
I have sat and thought -- and even friends that observe me have noticed -- that I don't rest how I should. I think I am resting ... but am I? Really, let's think about it ... do we really rest our bodies and mind?
Maybe this is one of the reasons that I have been undetectable for more than 11 years and my T cells never go up more than 399 ... never ever! Even though I don't get sick or hospitalized (thank God), this is causing a form of stress in me that I have learned to live with all my life!
So this woman will try and chill and relax. I hope if someone can relate to this, you will also do the same.
There is always tomorrow. Enjoy today, but with measure ... hold your loved ones ... take time to walk, to watch your favorite show, to share with your family ... just put yourself first! There is always tomorrow! And if tomorrow never comes, at least you will leave this life knowing you gave your best and lived the best you could without pushing yourself.
So yes, my SPIRIT pulls me through, and I am thankful for this! But I want spirit, mind, body and soul in harmony as one.
Love and Light,
Maria T Mejia