March 12, 2012
It's still difficult for me to talk with you or about you. At first you stormed my life away, now I don't want you to interfere in my life as much as you've already done.
I grew up in those days where a little was known about you, only fear and stigma was the general feeling ... Ad campaigns and media were all focused on you, how brutally you ruined a lot of life, as you are still doing it unfortunately really silently now ... but back to us! I tried to avoid you with all of my strength, I have never been the usual gay guy, don't want to play the saint, I was not going to cruising place, sauna, back-room or engage in any dangerous behavior ... but you caught me anyway.
How naive of me thinking that being faithful and having sex with only my long-term partner would save me from meeting you if the feeling is not mutual! How stupid of me in my later twenties to think that a "so called" serious relationship would be my shield against you! And I know that it's my fault too, but why I trusted a man like him, I was so blind ... The fact that you also damaged my health of course, but also my spirit, my "positive" spirit, making me build walls around me to defend myself from people and life in general, this is for you Hiv, but also to who lied to me, betrayed me, stomp on my feelings, leaving me with this "gift" for life ... Even after I found out and you were gone, I tried to respect yourself and helped you to start a very difficult process, sharing with you the little information that a confused mind could have in such a hard time, what did you do? Make things even worse ... I know everyone makes its own destiny, but I always kept those bitter feeling for me, because you have to get over it, but once in a lifetime I could let myself "throwing up" those words and bad thoughts about you and your blinded messager.
You made me feel so ashamed of myself, upset my family and closest friends that luckily adore me and love me for who I am ...
But that was a long time ago, nearly 7 years ... I am stronger even if still struggling with you HIv, but you are not the main reason why I do not do things that I like or whatever ... I have to live with you, share my time with you ... But a part the daily gesture of taking a pill each and every day I get along with everything and you don't own me or haunt me ... I just have to stand you ... but you're not the centre of my universe!