April 2, 2012
Patrick T. Perkins
Let me start by saying it's been awhile since I've thought about you in such a deep matter since you entered my life three years ago. We have never had the best relationship together but we work things out in the end. You have shaped me into the man I am today. Even though we do have our good and bad days; just like any other relationship. We definitely do have this love and hate relationship down to a T!
I was only eighteen when you crept into the tiny cracks in my doorway to my temple. You weren't welcomed here, but rather brought upon me, from dumb, naive mistakes made in my past. I don't know why you were brought upon me but maybe it could be to make me a better man. I have come to terms of some issues between you and me but not all of the issues as a whole. I figure I have more important issues in life to figure out than just besides you.
My schooling and health and just well being as a person. Sadly that includes you too. I've matured more rapidly than any of my fellow peers my age. If you hadn't snuck into the wounds left open from my past relationships and abuse, I'd probably be off worse than I am today.
You did take a part of me that I will never get back. Even if I fought and tore at the seams for hours without an end in sight, I will never get that part of my life back. It's almost impossible to put into words what you stole from me but I will give it a try anyways. You stole my innocence from me, first off. My inner child, not being scared of anyone or anything, laughter that couldn't stop, and compassion that overflowed. You took my courage to fight my own battles. Always feeling that I will fail and make a fool of myself. You broke up past and even present, love interest and lovers. You are like the gravity to my earth. You keep me grounded to the world, weather I agree to it or not.
Just leave me alone, please!
I put on this front for my friends and family. That why they don't know and understand what I really think of you. I'm really not too proud of having you in my life and you're my biggest disappointment. But yet you will always be there to remind me of those stupid ass mistakes I made right out of high school. Thinking I was so grown but in reality I was still so young and you didn't care to take advantage of that matter.
As much disappointment you have brought to my life there have been some successes in my life thanks to you too. I've become more responsible with love and life. I just don't let anyone and everyone walk all over me. I'm slowly beginning to find myself once again, in this world.
And, Oh God! I'm loving it!
It's like finding the door knob in a pitch black room. Locked up once and now free.
You have not just hurt me but those around me in my life. My friends and family. But I've been blessed to have them supporting me for the most part. Some days they just don't know how to pick me up on my darkest days.
You have broken up a family.
Emotionally, mentally and financially.
You don't keep your nose out of any aspect of my life, and it's a shame. Can I just get a break from you for one day? I think that's a little impossible but I will find a way to banish you for life.
You worried me when I was a teenager, but in my twenties you will not be blessed enough to ruin those wonderful years of mine. I'm going to set my goals high and reach for my dreams, even if it takes every being of my strength to be successful. I'm not letting anyone or you tear me down anymore in my life.
I hope to see a cure for you in my generation. Who knows it could be me who finds the cure, then the bells will ring and the KO signs will flash. I will have finally beaten you. I wouldn't wish this pain on my enemies or anyone else in this world just trying to find themselves. All we can really do is take it one day at time and roll with the cards we were dealt and make the best of the situation.
Hey it's what I did and look at me now. I'm working at a job I've been able to hold longer than six months. I graduate with my two year degree and get to transfer over to a university to further my education. I've been blessed to have such wonderful parents who would give up anything and everything to make sure I'm still here. I've been blessed to even have fantastic friends that have stuck around with me during this endless journey with HIV. So until I'm on my way six feet under you have not won the battle and you might not be what takes me from this world. No, not might. You will not be the one to take me from this world.
Patrick T. Perkins