April 7, 2012
Sometimes, I don't know what to say to you. Other times, I fume and rant and rage with cussing and foot stomping. You anger me. You took my peace. I am a peaceful woman and now, I don't feel peaceful. Look at me, on the outside I am beautiful and on the inside, you reign. You are the queen living inside me and taking from my life. Sure, I can cover it all up with pretty words and say, I am the same Dona that I used to be ... but, am I? Am I the same woman that you met all those years ago? I have changed in many ways, some ... I will say, I am thankful for the change and others ... yeah, I cannot be thankful for the others.
You made me more aware of myself. Thoughtful of who I allow in my life and what I put inside my body, because if I damage my body, you will be right there with a quickness and devour my strength. So, yes ... I love how I am aware of what is happening around and within me. I hate the fatigue. I hate the fear. I hate having you in my life.
When it all boils down to reality, I feel broken. I am incomplete and afraid of intimacy. Where I once was passionate and an awesome lover, I am afraid to be involved emotionally and physically with another. I have tried and I end up crying. Even tho I know I am worthy of love, having you hiding in my body, hangs as a cloud above my head and I don't know how I can be with another person ... and just be me. No matter how much I am "just me", I am not "just me". I am me and you.
We are a team. An unwanted team...
So, I will remain broken. I recently read about a Goddess from India, her name is Goddess Akhilandeshvari. Her name means "never not broken". She is the Goddess of turmoil, sadness, life changes ... The Always Broken, Goddess. She rides a Crocodile, which is essentially her fear, her turmoil. She travels upon the back of her great danger and her body is broken and radiates light and change. She surrenders to change.
You, HIV are my change. You are my fear. You are my Crocodile and I will ride the hell out of you and surrender to my change of life. I am always broken. Always. With my broken-ness, I will inspire and radiate light and life and continue to flow with the changes. You, despite your best effort, will not control me. I will control you.
So, HIV ... One day, you will leave my body, we will separate. My soul will travel to the light and you will fall to the grave. Despite the changes you have caused in my life, I win. I win with graciousness and beauty because I will die on my terms and become one with the light.
Your connection to me is temporary and I belong to the eternal. I am saddling up my Crocodile and riding to the sunset and under the moon light ... you cannot stop me ...
Dona L. Lackey
Resonate Love ...