Where It Came From
By Brooke Davidoff
February 2, 2012
I know now where I got it, THIS. I no longer need a man-map trying to retrace my who's and where's of the years past. One email answered it all today.
I sent an email to one of my ex-boyfriends' exes via Facebook a few weeks ago. I've known they were not together for a few months now. I noticed she was single again, and I sent her an email. We're not friends, but we KNOW each other. We have for years. I just dropped her a line saying I had no idea what happened with THEM, but I hoped she had a good new year and found a guy who treated her better than our ex.
She wrote me back.
You don't know what happened? The same thing you have ... he gave to me. I hope you are healthy and your baby is too.
I spent 3 years with him, and he cheated on me with this hot blond who used to be an acquaintance of mine. He eventually left me for her, and they ended up getting married.
He's cheated on everyone he dated, since high school. I thought I could change him. He replaces you while you're together, then says you deserve better than him. He leaves you with most of his stuff because he feels guilty.
I got married also. If I had not gotten pregnant none of us would know we have it.
He gave me an STD one year for Valentine's Day. My doctor at the time told me I was being cheated on. I did not believe him. I was told my STD was new, and for me to be with the same guy 2+ years at that time he had to be sleeping with someone else.
I stayed. I should have left then. But we lived together, where was I going to go? I loved him.
So all three of us have it. And I feel bad for her. I feel nothing for him, but I want to cry for her. She is beautiful, and HIV+ because of our stupid-ass meth addict, alcoholic ex.
How many women has he passed it on to? When did he get it? Who gave it to him? I'm still in shock they have it. Now I feel dirty again. Living in a bubble, thinking it's not really real if I can't find anyone I've been with who has it. Maybe I was misdiagnosed since I'm still NOT sick and have not been on meds for almost a year. But now I know it's real again. I have it. He gave it to US.
Denial might be the first step, but it's never GONE.
Voice of ONE
Brooke was diagnosed HIV positive in January 2010 -- two months married and 11 weeks pregnant with her first baby -- and has already begun to educate others about HIV. She lives in Seattle, and her poetry has been featured on TheBody.com. Her son was born on July 15, 2010.
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