July 25, 2011
This piece originally appeared in Rae's blog, Diva Living With AIDS.
When I heard about Amy Winehouse's death the first thing that crossed my mind, is that you die how you live. It's a sad but true reality and it's not just about drug and alcohol addiction but anything that has a hold on you, and that thing dictates your life.
I understand addiction. My mother and father were heroin addicts and my step-grandmother who raised me, was an alcoholic. My father died a violent death when I was about three years old and my mother used for half of her life. She was clean for over 20 years, to start using again. When I went to see her on her death bed, I almost fainted when the doctor told me that she was on Methadone; and all this time I thought she was clean.
But during those years of being clean, she never got help for the thing that started her addiction. She was a tormented soul and using again was inevitable.
And my step-grandmother didn't stop drinking until the alcohol started to burn the cancerous tumor in her mouth. And she was the mean ass in death that she had been my entire life. It didn't matter that I was the only one caring for her, Mama would cuss me out in the hospital room like I was a bitch on the street.
What I learned half way through my life is that addiction is a sickness that affects everyone that comes in contact with it. This was further confirmed after living with an addict, the love of my life. I began to understand this sickness in a way that I never had. The chaos it created daily, wondering if when he walked out of that door would he make it to his intended destination, or to that corner of the world where he used.
That sent me to Al-Anon. I knew I was out of my league. I instinctively knew that if I didn't get help for myself, that his addiction would kill me as sure as I got to die.
STOP! I can't believe I told all that ... Little nervous here. Go on and gossip, but don't bring that shit to my face. Just Sayin!!! It's interesting, when I first started this post it was about putting your demons in check. But God seems to be leading me in another direction. So this post is for everyone who loves someone who has an addiction. Just some insights that I hope are helpful.
How they choose to live, does not have to dictate how you live. You cannot allow their addiction to control your life. Addiction is a very dark place and it enjoys company. They have to ultimately do the hard work that is required to not only get clean, but stay clean.
I often wondered about my mother and what would make her use for over half her life. And while I understood some of the root of my lover's addiction, my compassion and love for them both could not interfere with my love of self. It's deep, we spend so much time trying to make them happy, they become our addiction and it affects everything we do, from the people we see to the things we do or don't do.
What I have learned is that no matter how much you love them or alter your life for them, they are who they are. And a word of caution, even an addict that is clean, but not seeking some kind of professional help is still guided by addictive behavior. While you are relieved that they are clean, they still tend to be the narcissist, self-serving person they were while using.
Addiction is an illness that needs professional help and until they get the help that sickness will continue to manifest, just in different ways. And everyone who comes in contact with addiction needs help, whether it's your brother, lover, sister, aunt. Don't be confused, the drunk aunt at the dinner table affects everyone.
The sad thing is, while you may try to control the environment, and sometimes that person, the only one you actually have control over is yourself. And if the truth be told, there is a sickness spending your life trying to control someone else's life. How they hell you gonna control something that they have no control over? You become sick trying to make them well.
Another word of caution for the high, mighty and opinionated. Addiction is not something you can simply rule away. Addicts need help, but they have to want help. Part of the problem with getting clean and staying clean is facing the demons that drove their addiction. And then on top of that, having to face all the damage that has been done during the addiction journey. That's a lot of baggage for one person to have to address in addiction.
I hope you get the point ... I may not have an addiction to drugs, but I have lived an unhealthy life as a result of addiction from my childhood. I know how hard it is to live whole and healthy. I was man crazy, clothes crazy and just plain old fucking crazy. I didn't know what was normal and what was not. It took years of therapy, to get to this place I'm at today and there are still days I struggle to do the right thing. Then I fell in love with an addict and my world stopped as I tried to stop his addiction. I thank God that He had a plan when my plan crumbled before my eyes. Addiction should not be taking lightly, not for the addict or the ones who love the addict. In the end you will both die how you lived.
I understand why they say "one day at a time," because truly, thats all you have is this day. Tackle tomorrow when it gets here. Sadly for Amy Whinehouse her tomorrow was death. What I'm suggesting, is to not let their death become yours, either, physically, emotionally or spiritually. Get the help that you need even if they are not at the place to get the help they need.
Amy is in a better place. There are no more demons. May she rest in peace.