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HIV/AIDS Blog Central

The Day I Was Pronounced Dead

By Ellisya

July 14, 2011

It was the usual check-up for me and my daughter as we normally did every year, just to make sure we were healthy. We just had to wait two weeks for our results, so during that time I was just acting normally like nothing had happened, because it hadn't. I was 21 back then, and my daughter, Trisha, was 6.

I received a phone call from the doctor's office informing me that we needed to come to clinic as soon as possible. My heart beat much faster. "Is it something wrong?" I asked the doctor's assistant, but she said "Sorry madam, we can't tell you on the phone."

I started thinking, my mind going back to the past. Six years before, I got raped by my uncle. A few hours after that incident, when my grandmother came back, she saw my swollen face and took me to hospital for a medical check-up and to file a police report. Unfortunately my uncle is well connected. The case was closed with no justification. He had eventually died of AIDS.

I'd done my check-up at the time and the doctor said I was fine -- or maybe back then they didn't have proper tests like they have now. So I'd gotten pregnant, and I'd started living on my own and raising my kid at the age of 16, when most girls would be in school (REALITY CHECK!).

I drove all the way to clinic while my daughter was still in school. I decided that if it was bad news, I would take it and deal with it first before my daughter found out.

The waiting in the clinic was like hell. I waited and waited, and then they called my name. I went to see the doctor and she gave me a box of tissues. Hold on, Ellisya, I told myself. Don't be afraid, and just face whatever it is. The doctor broke the news: "I am sorry to inform you that you AND YOUR DAUGHTER are HIV positive."

I felt that day that God had pulled the plug on my life. I collapsed. After few minutes I woke up, but was still in shock. I just told the doctor "Thank you," went inside my car and burst into tears. Had I not gotten enough shit in my life? I got raped when I was 16; got raped again by three men when I was in London; was attacked and robbed by a man in Sydney; and on top of all that, now me and my daughter had HIV? I wondered, How am I going to break the news to her; how is she going to feel? Oh dear God ... are you punishing me for being born in this world? Are you being cruel to me when I don't even have parents? Why me? Why not some bad people who did badly to others? What have I done that I deserved this?

I cried like a baby. After a week, I picked myself up and started reading lots of information on the Internet. Web sites like helped me gather knowledge, and the spirit of others who still fight for what they have. Today I work very closely with an HIV organization in Malaysia. I work to create awareness, but they don't know my status. From time to time, when they mention HIV-positive people as mostly being drug addicts, sexually active people, gays and prostitutes, my heart sinks; I feel like I've been categorized in groups I'm not part of.

But then again ... Life is about looking forward; I hope one day I will be fine, and my daughter will find a man who loves her truly for who she is. When she was 12 I told her what we have and she told me "Mummy, no amount of disease is going to stop us achieving our dreams!" That is the day I knew I raised my girl well. I know that she will be great; in fact, she wants to be a scientist to help bring a cure to people.

We are going to fight this every day. No matter how long it takes, one day our fight might help the next people who have to live with HIV.

I remember the day I found out I had HIV felt like the day I was pronounced dead, but instead I came alive. I'm very much alive today, to fight and be strong for anything that comes my way.

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See Also
Sexual Abuse of Children and HIV

Reader Comments:

Comment by: Nick (Dallas,Tx) Tue., Jan. 14, 2014 at 7:30 pm UTC
Incredible story.It definately inspires and motivates people who see like why me. I hope you and your little girl stay blessed and healthy
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Comment by: Laitishia C (Florida) Thu., Sep. 22, 2011 at 4:22 pm UTC
I just want to say when I read your blog it was very moving I truly admire your will to never give up and to stay strong for you and your daughter. I think one problem in this world, is many people are so quick to judge other people or condemn them for things they might have no control over. But you know what let them think what they want to because their opinions don't matter.
You truly are an inspiration to many people especially young girls who might be going through the same situation you did. Every time I read about the struggles that you and the other bloggers go through, it makes me strive harder to become a better person, to treat people with respect and to always be willing to help someone need. I wish you the best of luck, and just remember: The lord will never leave you nor forsake you, and he loves you more than anything in this world.
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Comment by: Beautifulmade31 (Houston, TX) Tue., Sep. 20, 2011 at 10:24 pm UTC
God bless you and your daughter.
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Comment by: saundra wright (new orleans ,la) Thu., Sep. 15, 2011 at 2:15 pm UTC
God bless youand keep you,migthy god is more important than any more powerfl than anyone,he never diesand he makes the finaldecesions. much love
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Comment by: Florence (Kenya) Fri., Sep. 9, 2011 at 8:51 am UTC
I can imagine what it feels like to get raped and just how could it feel like to realize you got infected in such circumstance?!! I know saying sorry can never be enough, rape is bad, rape is the worst.
I have never been raped before though like most woman I have survived several rape attempts (through luck).
I always tell myself that I only found it easy to accept my infection because it was my fault, no one put a gun to my head, I wast forced into the unprotected sexual act... but I do not know (and highly doubt) if I could have handled it all had it been forced onto me by someone, I feel I could have gotten murderous..!!
Thanks God you and your daughter are strong, intelligent and willing to fight... you will survive this, just be strong for yourself and your little gal, she needs you...
Get materials from everywhere, read, get knowledge, be well informed and you will combat HIV/AIDS.
we have now read so much of people in who are living over 20 years on and they sound happy, alive, and life goes on.
I get my strength (and a friend) from, so much that I might never get from any single support group, please keep strong, keep off infections, keep off unsafe areas (rapist love you, u know haha)... LIVE
God be with you
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Comment by: thomas delorenzo (los angeles, ca) Thu., Aug. 11, 2011 at 11:45 pm UTC
keep fighting!!! we need you here!!! beautiful words from an amazing person.
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Comment by: Immanual (Seattle ) Mon., Aug. 8, 2011 at 12:30 pm UTC
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Comment by: Cris (Espaņa-Gc) Tue., Jul. 26, 2011 at 3:15 pm UTC
Hola, yo soy una chica de 31 aņos con VIH, a mi me lo contagio el hombre que mas quiero en el mundo, pero por el destino ya no estamos junto el tambien lo tiene. Yo ingrese con una carga virica muy alta y sin defensa (32) tan baja que tenia y me dieron 4 dias de vida, tengo un niņos de 6 aņos, pero al verlo todos los dias me dio vida en pensar que solo es una enfermedad grave, que tenemos posibilidad en futuro tener una cura, admito que limita mucho en tener relaciones y tener pareja.. pero le tenemos que dar gracias a dios que estamos vivas... y que no hay que juzgar a nadien... la vida es una tombola de circunstancia que nadien sabemos donde estamos.

hay que ser positiva y optimista.

Me encanta esta pagina... y ayudemos a las personas que lo tienen diagnosticado hace muy poco y concienciarla que no es un mal de morir.. sino una segunda oportunidad para vivir.

un saludo y beso grande
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Comment by: Ann (USA) Sun., Jul. 24, 2011 at 11:16 pm UTC
Ellisya, I applaud you, your daughter and your Courage.
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Comment by: AsianPrince (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia) Sun., Jul. 24, 2011 at 6:56 pm UTC
Ellisya, I truly understand how it feels when people stereotyped. I felt the same way & I hope that you can get a good health support in Malaysia. Be well and stay healthy to you and your daughter :)
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Comment by: Keith (Melbourne) Sat., Jul. 23, 2011 at 10:01 pm UTC
I'm sorry for everything you've been through. Be strong. Treatment is very good these days.
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Comment by: Harvett (East Cleveland, OH) Fri., Jul. 22, 2011 at 8:16 pm UTC

I am so sorry for all that you have went through, I hope that the Stem Cell that they use on Timothy Brown in Berlin, reaches you and your daughter.
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Comment by: AsianPrince (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia) Fri., Jul. 22, 2011 at 7:32 pm UTC
Ellisya, I truly understand how it feels when people stereotyped. I felt the same way & I hope that you can get a good health support in Malaysia. Be well and stay healthy to you and your daughter :)
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Comment by: Ivan88 Sat., Jul. 16, 2011 at 9:43 am UTC
Kudos for exceptional courage!!!
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Live Life Like You Were Dying



I live in Malaysia with my daughter, Trisha. We both tested HIV positive in 2001, when I was 21 and she was 6. In a world that's full of ignorant people, life is about fighting and fighting all the time. I am here to share about my life: about being an orphan, a young mother at age 16 and a survivor of rape, hoping that everyone can learn from my real life experience.

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