I pushed my Chanel handbag to the side and my toilet bath began. I tore off a good size piece of toilet paper and dipped it into the ice-cold toilet water. Then, I began to wash my body. I wiped off as much as I could from my behind, and then flushed the toilet paper. I pulled off another piece of toilet paper, dipped it in the ice-cold toilet water and repeated the procedure. Dip, wipe, flush, dip, over and over. After I'd gotten every single ounce of poop from one part of my body, I proceeded to the next until every trace was gone.
As I strolled down Chicago's Magnificent Mile, I was feeling too good and looking too cute to do anything other than take full advantage of the great weather. Chicago's premiere shopping area was bustling with shoppers and sightseers, and I was one of them. Looking like a diva, from head to toe in my black and white pinstripe St. John's pantsuit.
I'm always amazed at how women respond to my blog posts both good and bad. I used to internalize this stuff until I realized that the response really isn't so much about me, but about them. I find this to be true no matter the comment, good or bad.
Yesterday, I went to my gynecologist to find some solutions to my perimenopause issues. When I came home I was beat emotionally and physically. First off, she removed my IUD, which I've had for 5 years to help regulate my issues from endometriosis. That left me bleeding heavy and cramping. All I wanted to do was take pain medication and crawl into bed.
I've said it before, I never thought that I would live to see perimenopause, but I did. While I'm glad to be alive, I've got to admit, menopause or pre-menopausal which is what I'm gong through, is more than a notion. Now, menopause is when your menstrual cycle has ended, no more, done. Perimenopausal is basically, everything a woman experiences leading to menopause and you still have a cycle.
This is true mainly because it keeps people in denial about the support that I need on the one hand, and on the other, young people look at me at a gig and think, "AIDS ain't so bad, she looks great." They think I got it going on, which of course I do, but having AIDS is no joke and requires a lot of work. For sure, my life would be different if I didn't have AIDS. For these reasons I am so candid about my journey. I want people to get the full understanding of this disease. Pictures in my case, can be a tad deceiving.
I learned something about myself this weekend that made me understand how far I've come in my thinking verses the application of what I know, as it relates to dating and sex.
I've been saying over and over again that it's not enough to know better, that at some point you have to apply the knowledge to your life so that you can be your best you. It is true that we are products of our past. It teaches us good, bad and indifference. It shapes who we are, which influences what we do. I know this has been the case for me. I also understand, that we do not have to be a prisoner to our past.
I've been blogging all week, and after sitting at my computer for hours trying to come up with something deep and profound to say on Valentine's Day, I actually drew a blank. Then it occurred to me that all I really want to say to you is, use a condom. No need to be extra in this last post in the series. I hope that I have given you lots to think about all week long and I hope that some of it will stay with you as you muddle through life and love.
It took me years to understand the worth of my vagina. When I was a young adult, I saw it as a tool to find and keep love.
I mean a bitch with some good pussy was a bad bitch who could name her future. I mean, what man wouldn't surrender to some good lovin' too, so I thought.
It occurred to me that sometimes I make dating with HIV look easy, but it's not by any stretch of the imagination. I started thinking about this after I received an email last night from a woman with herpes who is afraid to date.
When I was first diagnosed with herpes, I was afraid. I remember trying to get an ex-boyfriend to have sex with me and he flat out turned me down. That was a blow.