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HIV Life >> Women

Anonymous
Unregistered

Way out in left field
      03/21/05 11:04 AM

I was diagnosed in August of 2003 w/ a vl or 750,000... and CD 4 count of 169/w no symptoms. Since then I have been on Combivir and Sustiva, my VL is undetectable and CD4 is 280. I was initially devastated. I have 2 small children, that are neg and healthy. I contracted this "gift" from my ex-husband. I have just recently started dating, but life is getting harder. I constantly find myself wondering if I will be here to see my kids grow up, as they are now 6 and 9. I am 30 yrs old. I am so sad every single day. I see all my friends enjoying their lives and just sit back and wish it was me, but I can't seem to get over this. I often think that my kids would be better off if I wasn't here so they wouldn't have to see me eventually get sicker and sicker. There is a part of me that thinks this is not a death sentence but what good is life if it has no quality. I am a mere shell of the happy person I used to be and I am finding it harder and harder to cope day by day. I am so scared and depressed, but I do a good job of hiding it from everyone. All they see is this beautiful young mother and they can't figure out why I am still single and living alone with my 2 children. I always here "you are such a nice person", or "you are such a giving person"... there is a part of me that knows this is true, but the thought of death overshadows all aspects of my life.... I don't want to die and I am doing well, with my medication. But everyday is a struggle. If I could just here someone say you will be okay, and I believe it, it would make my life so much better. But I really don't see anyone "like" me. I have been to support groups, but they don't seem to help. In fact they make matters worse, always talking about death and preparing for the worse. I want to talk about life, and get a positive insight on having this condition. It seems as if no one understands me. I get rejected from poz as well as neg people. I feel very alone.

Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* Way out in left field Anonymous 03/21/05 11:04 AM
. * Re: Way out in left field Lynne   04/04/05 07:17 PM
. * Re: Way out in left field Anonymous   04/05/05 09:16 AM
. * Re: Way out in left field river   04/07/05 12:02 PM
. * Re: Way out in left field DaphneeLee   03/24/05 04:47 PM
. * Re: Way out in left field Anonymous   03/28/05 11:49 AM
. * Re: Way out in left field sweetpea9919   03/24/05 12:27 AM
. * Re: Way out in left field Anonymous   03/24/05 09:56 AM
. * Re: Way out in left field Anonymous   03/23/05 04:25 PM
. * Re: Way out in left field river   03/21/05 11:27 AM
. * Re: Way out in left field Anonymous   03/21/05 11:59 AM
. * Re: Way out in left field Anonymous   03/21/05 11:53 AM
. * Re: Way out in left field debtex   03/21/05 09:33 PM
. * Re: Way out in left field Anonymous   03/22/05 10:12 AM
. * Re: Way out in left field debtex   03/23/05 04:35 PM
. * Re: Way out in left field Anonymous   03/24/05 09:51 AM
. * Re: Way out in left field debtex   03/24/05 02:39 PM
. * Re: Way out in left field Anonymous   03/23/05 04:29 PM
. * Re: Way out in left field Anonymous   03/24/05 10:01 AM

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