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Cruhaven
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Reged: 11/22/11
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Posts: 10
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Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
12/06/11 12:55 PM
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Just in time for the holiday season I was diagnosed as HIV+ and after two grueling weeks, I got my CD4 cell count and I am officially labeled as having AIDS. My count is 48. Sucks, right? Yeah. But that is not the whole of the story. In my quest for seeking some random sexual experience I may have infected my wife unknowingly. Molested as a child, raped as a teenager, I thought getting married would make it better. Cold marriage, very little sex from the beginning. Adopted 2 kids. Thought it would be better. It is not. I began to wander and now I am HIV+. I am pretty sure I was infected 5 years ago. My CD4 counts dictate that hypothesis. Of course this is all after the fact. She is getting tested now and we will know the results soon. Even though I was unfaithful, I would never wish this upon anyone. I never had even thought I would possibly infect her. I used protection. I thought I did everything right. But it did not happen that way. I am crushed with the prospect of me getting my rocks off, I have engaged her in a battle for her life if she is positive. I pray that our complete lack of sex has protected her. I have placed a huge burden on her life and that is simply wrong of me. I feel guilty, shamed and extremely remorseful. She's allowing me to stay in the house until after the holidays and then I am on my own. She is planning on a divorce, keeping the kids and in her words, "I do not give a fuck what you do." And I deserve that. I am guilty. So now the question remains: do I start taking meds and live? Or curl up in a homeless shelter and die? I am 45 years old. I have been struggling with this question ever since the diagnosis. Would it not be easier to let this take me then explain everything to my family, friends and workers? This is the dilemma that I am in. This is so confusing and frightening and scary and alot of other adjectives.
Any ideas? Thoughts. Please post if you are actually concerned or interested. I do not want to hear from haters and flamers.. There is facebook for that kind of behaviour.
Post Extras:
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Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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Cruhaven
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12/06/11 12:55 PM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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jbjesus
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12/28/11 08:56 AM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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Pos_in_Thailand
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12/27/11 10:07 AM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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angelbear
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12/18/11 09:23 PM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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Cruhaven
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12/12/11 12:32 AM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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riverprincess
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12/29/11 12:27 PM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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ammexico
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12/16/11 12:27 AM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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njpozdad
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12/15/11 05:41 PM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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GentNearMelrose
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12/12/11 08:01 PM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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njpozdad
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12/08/11 02:33 PM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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lovinglife101
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12/07/11 09:56 AM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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lincolnsense
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12/06/11 10:40 PM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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GentNearMelrose
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12/06/11 10:34 PM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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ammexico
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12/06/11 10:02 PM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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njpozdad
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12/06/11 07:03 PM
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Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
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ablenwilling
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12/06/11 06:34 PM
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