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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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Reged: 04/01/11
Posts: 4
Conscience peaceful - subconscience tormented
      04/01/11 04:20 AM

I'm 34 years old - tested positive 3/8/11. Something in me always told me I would become HIV+ at some point. I'm of a generation of gay men whose earliest images and memories of gay life are of men in hospital beds covered in purple lesions. I literally remember being six years old or so and seeing this on the television, and somehow knowing that I was connected in some way to those men. Though much has transpired to give a wider spectrum of images of gay life -- that early and lasting impression had me always surprised when my tests would come back negative - though I was always safe until a year ago or so. I started to slip with the condom not long ago. I haven't felt loved by a man (in the pure and transcendental sense of the word) for over ten years. Unrequited loves that could meet me only a quarter- or half-way? YES... but unconditional loves? NO. I was raised by a smothering mother. So, being self-reflective and all, I think that I started to have unprotected sex (as stupid as it may sound), because I wanted to feel something... something intense, even if it only lasted as long as a fuck. On March 7th of this year I developed a rash all over my legs. It became painful, numbing but painful at the same time. My legs began to swell and the pain became so intolerable that I improvised a walking stick, dragged myself to a cab, and went to the ER. After several hours, with the rash on my legs turning to deeper, larger red spots, the doctors came back with preliminary results -- I tested positive. The images of men in hospital rooms covered in red lesions suddenly flashed into a mirror reflection of what I'd become. I knew even then that I had to disconnect the stigma form the medical condition, but these images... along with my abysmal sense of having failed or betrayed my mother's love, were overwhelming. They are still acting out in my subconscious and though I am staying positive, productive, and integrated in my circles of friends -- I feel more and more withdrawn form my family. I just can't allow myself to get close to them right now -- it hurts to much. My irresponsibility will cause them SO MUCH pain. I can't tolerate the though and when I even think of my family I break down and cry. So I prefer not to think of them in my conscious state of being. But I am not sleeping well. I urinated in my sleep the other night. I need to find a support group. I need to share this pain and regret with other people who will understand. I'm lucky to be in New York City. My life is changing - I feel myself changing. I don't want to become cold and distant and bitter. I want to continue to love life as I did before I sero-converted. I want to learn the healthy way to live now. I want to believe in love in the way that I'd given up on after so many years of not having love. I want to believe that someone can still want to be emotionally AND physically intimate with me, even now that I have a transmittable disease.
This is all true. It's all form the bottom of my heart. I am hungry for dialogue with others who are going through this. My friends have been accepting - but they haven't gone through this. My family, I can't share this with... certainly not until I know that my health is stabilized (my viral load is very high (130,000) and my t-cell count low (513)) and preferably not for as long as I can protect them from this. It will hurt them too much and it will in turn hurt and weaken me. So I don't see it as an option.
If anyone reading this can sympathize (without thinking that I want to be a victim or wallow in pain) and wants to exchange a few messages, ideas, or whateverz related to this, please post something or send me an e-mail ( Peace and calm.

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Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* Conscience peaceful - subconscience tormented Genet 04/01/11 04:20 AM
. * Re: Conscience peaceful - subconscience tormented brazilian69   10/21/11 03:52 AM
. * Re: Conscience peaceful - subconscience tormented karan9delhi   06/05/11 06:33 AM
. * Re: Conscience peaceful - subconscience tormented RayW   04/06/11 12:21 AM
. * Re: Conscience peaceful - subconscience tormented DJones   04/05/11 10:14 PM
. * Re: Conscience peaceful - subconscience tormented livinghappy   04/02/11 06:17 PM
. * Re: Conscience peaceful - subconscience tormented lucasviatri39   08/27/11 02:56 AM
. * Re: Conscience peaceful - subconscience tormented vbd1966   04/01/11 06:09 PM

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