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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

espoirnyc
Newbie

Reged: 10/25/09
Posts: 5
Loc: New York, NY
Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to?
      10/25/09 11:21 PM

I tested positive for HIV on August 19th 2009. I'm sure that date will forever be burned into my memory. I remember the counselor closing the door, taking a deep breath and saying "your result is positive." Then I remember feeling like I was falling. I could barely hear the questions he was asking me, much less find a way to sift through the racing thoughts in my mind to coordinate responses. I not only felt like I no longer had any control over my life, I felt like the life I had only lived for 23 years was now over.

In my darkest moment my mind flashed briefly on suicide. Once the ridiculousness of killing myself because I was afraid to die struck me I had to laugh. I then decided I needed to take control.

I hope I'm over the darkest emotional chapter of coming to terms with my virus now. Along with changing my diet and exercising more, I've taken to calling the invaders within "my" virus, all in an effort to remind myself that I can be in control. It was through my own recklessness and irresponsibility that I became infected, but I have found that the only way I can retain some semblance of sanity is by owning the mistakes I've made that gave rise to this situation and moving forward. I'm slowly beginning to accept and, to a certain extent, appreciate the new perspective my diagnosis has given me.

In spite of my efforts to stay positive (no pun intended) I have many moments when I feel like I'm barely holding on to reality. I go to work and am sometimes hardly able to focus on the task at hand. My new obsession is googling "HIV cure" or "HIV breakthrough," every hour in the hopes that some new advance will have emerged since the last time I checked. There are times when I want to burst into tears and scream until I pass out because I feel like I will forever be alone. I've tried spending more time with friends, but I fear being rejected if I told them I was positive. I tell myself that friends I'm keeping a keep a secret from are better than no friends at all.

Telling my family is out of the question right now. I can recall more than one occasion when my mother referred to AIDS as God's punishment for sinful f-gs. (I have not told her I am gay for obvious reasons...)

The point of my post is to reach out to you all - my new community - to see if there is someone in a similar situation (newly diagnosed, scared, and teetering on the brink of insanity) I could talk to. I feel like keeping everything I'm feeling inside is a mistake. I don't think I'm ready to sit down in a big group and talk about this, which is why I'm looking for one on one communication. An e-mail pen-pal or even someone I could talk to / listen to in person would be great. I'd also love to hear from anyone who could offer any advice on coping with the highs and lows I'm feeling.

Thank you all. I hope to one day be able to provide advice to help someone through the trauma of being recently diagnosed, because feeling like you have no one to talk to sucks. There's just no better word to describe it.

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Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to? espoirnyc 10/25/09 11:21 PM
. * Re: Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to? RandyNnyc   11/14/09 08:17 PM
. * Re: Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to? Starboy   03/20/11 04:49 PM
. * Re: Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to? espoirnyc   11/01/09 09:52 PM
. * Re: Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to? DJones   11/01/09 08:56 PM
. * Re: Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to? espoirnyc   11/01/09 09:53 PM
. * Re: Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to? BonkerzTX   10/31/09 11:21 AM
. * Re: Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to? Tom2002   10/29/09 05:57 PM
. * Re: Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to? espoirnyc   11/01/09 09:57 PM
. * Re: Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to? MrGiftig   10/29/09 03:42 PM
. * Re: Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to? FLOWERMAN   10/29/09 03:13 PM
. * Re: Is there anyone in NYC I can talk to? ruralguy   10/28/09 09:58 AM

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